Okay so I have a friend that is questioning his sexuality and he has only told me. We go to college together and he is scared to tell his best friends back home especially if he ends up identifying as gay or bi because he feels like that would mean he's been lying to them his whole life. He's also kind of androgynous so he is asked if or assumed to be gay sometimes and so when he denies it he feels like that is lying as well. I want to validate his feelings but also feeling like a liar is not good for him so I want to make him feel better. But I'm not sure how. I am working on constructing an argument which I will add below but I'm not sure if that's even the right route. Any advice or story speaking (land before time anyone?) would be awesome! ----- On feeling like you’re lying by keeping your sexuality to yourself: This is a really common experience *perpetuated by media and some people we come out to It's valid to feel this way and I do agree that under certain circumstances, “lying by omission” is real lying. But here's why I think that this subject can be exempt from that: It's not your fault, it doesn't matter in a lot of cases, It’s not your fault: Heteronormativity We live in a society that assumes from the day that you popped out of your mother and the doctor said “it's a boy!”, that you will be attracted to girls and only girls. We do this through blue onesies that say “ladies’ man and Thanksgiving dinner questions from grandma about if you've found a girlfriend at college yet. “Why is straight the default?”: this is why. Or at least, this is why it seems that way. is not your fault that people assumed heterosexuality and therefore it is not your responsibility to say otherwise Danger Physical (physical abuse/assault, removal of access to resources) Emotional (verbal abuse, fear created by a homophobic society) No one - not even your best friends - is entitled to information about you. You are allowed to have secrets as long as they are not bad for your mental health. You don’t have to tell anyone you don’t want to and if there are certain people you would like to share this with, you get to decide where, when, and how that happens. It may seem like everyone ‘comes out’ but that is only because, by nature, we only hear the stories of those who do. Sometimes its not necessary until its necessary and thats okay. For the most part, your sexuality is irrelevant to your friendships. (The exception here would be if one of your friends was interested in you or you were interested in them back. But even then, you don’t always have to include your sexualiy in the conversation.) Bottom line: you are in control of your choices. There is no right or wrong way to handle this. You do what feels right and safe at any given time.
I know some people come out b/c they don't want to lie to themselves or others anymore. I don't consider it lying to keep it to himself. Its his private and personal information that he can share when he wants and to whom. Even if he denies it to someone who asks I don't consider it lying. I don't think he should think that he's lied to his best friends by not telling them. Probably didn't explain this very well.
I agree. Is it really lying if people make assumptions about you that you never necessarily even accepted as true? I mean, do a lot of straight people go around saying they're straight? No, they just are straight, and since everyone is assumed to be straight be default this works out for them and a lot of times they may never have to bring up their sexuality at all to anyone ever. This also happens for bi people who only date or have dated the opposite sex, people see you with an opposite sex partner and assume your straight. Must people would not even consider someone might actually be bi and just currently in a straight relationship. Even if you did go around telling people you are straight if you thought you were I don't see that as really lying either. It's not your fault that because everyone is assumed to be straight you believe you must be, particularly if you never know there is another option.
When you have to "fit in" instead of being who you are, then that creates shame, because you have to hide who you truly are and pretend to be someone you're not. That sends your unconscious the message that you won't be accepted, loved, or worthy of belonging if you don't hide your true self, and the impact of the shame that results is pretty harmful in the long run. Being closeted is being inauthentic, plain and simple. Whether you directly lie, or whether you indirectly lie (dodging questions about girlfriends if you're a guy, for example), what happens is you are conforming to someone else's expectation of who you should be, and that simply amplifies the shame you already have.
I agree with Chip though that in a perfect world none of this would be necessary. People would not assume and they would be okay with anyone being with whoever.
In my opinion it is no ones business what I’m thinking or feeling. If I want to share it I will. There are many things I don’t share with the world. Some secrets are fine. It’s not the same as lying
I think it really depends on what your actions are. If you simply have the attraction but aren’t doing anything about it I don’t think it’s lying. You wouldn’t act on every attraction to women either. Cheating is obviously a completely different story. In the end, it’s whatever you think is best. Ideally it would be best to be out, but that isn’t always the case. Sometimes it causes problems fir others. I’m just saying that if someone doesn’t want to come out they shouldn’t be forced
Although I agree with the "philosophy" of not lying, I wouldn't tell someone that they're lying to themselves and shaming themselves just so they come out. It seems like its indirectly outing someone. I think its each persons decision to come out and when/how or their decision to not come out. I was on another site and some 16yo discussed how his dad beat the crap out of him for being gay and even made a statement that he would rather the son dies or he dies before the family is dishonored. I wonder if someone forced the kid to come out so he wasn't living a lie or lying to his patents?
I'm totally with you. You don't owe information to anyone, but I also think that being in the closet to your closest support people is bad for your mental health in the long run. While you might not be lying, the only way to not lie about being gay and still be in the closet is by isolating yourself and not being vulnerable with people. It really doesn't work long term. But I do think that you don't have to be out to everyone if you don't feel the need. You do need a support system so you should have people who you are out to who you can talk about it with. Highly disagree with this statement. You sexually is not just about sex. Its about your dreams for your future, your anxieties of today, and being able to have friend who will have your back when shit gets tough. If you want good friends and if you want to be happy you HAVE to be able to be out to the people who you hold dear to your life. I agree with this most of the time, but one of the things that I think Brene Brown misses is that authenticity comes at a higher cost for some intersections when your authentic self is stigmatized in society. For example, for a Christian to be their authentic self is no big deal, but if someone is a Pagan then being authentic at work can be catastrophic. And I think it applies to sexuality. If your well-being is in jeopardy then you should stay in the closet to certain people. For me, I am a fundraiser by profession. I am out to pretty much everyone, but I will stay in the closet when I'm talking with certain donors because I know that I could cost our mission thousands of dollars, and I will personally not be affected if I'm in the closet with this particular person. Until our government protects us all under the law then yes lying makes sense in many different scenarios.
I agree totally with the above. And actually Brené does talk about that as well; she describes authenticity as a practice, and speaks about the costs of authenticity, and how we all, at some times, present different sides of ourselves; in her DVD "The Hustle for Worthiness" she describes how she acts one way with her social worker friends she describes as "left of Lenin" and totally different with her Texas family who support, as she calls it, "He Who Shall Not Be Named". And I think it's exactly the same thing for sexual orientation in the circumstances you describe. When I'm speaking about this issue, I'm talking about being (basically) out... to friends, family, the people who matter, etc. And there are exceptions: I've advised teens with crazy Christian parents to stay in the closet until after college if they risk losing having college paid for, and obviously in any situation where one's physical personal safety is at risk, one doesn't disclose. I think the circumstance you describe with fundraising is totally sensible. The core issue here is the shame piece; there would be very little shame associated with letting a potential donor think you're straight, because this (likely) isn't someone whose opinion matters. It would be a much bigger deal with a parent or close friend or loved one. So as with many things, I think there's a lot of nuance, and it can be difficult to describe (let alone to navigate) especially when the issue is still fresh and experiences limited.
If you are attempting to build positive and authentic relationships with people, I would say it's absolutely necessary to be truthful about your sexuality. In fact, I would go further and say it's necessary even in more peripheral relationships. For example, one of my neighbours asked about my "house mate" shortly after I moved into my home and I found it necessary to correct him and say that my house mate is actually my husband. To have concealed the truth and allow my neighbour to believe that we are just two friends living together for convenience would have unleashed a tidal wave of negative feelings within me. Put simply, it would have been a lie and I damn well knew it. All of the mental gymnastics in the world wouldn't have changed that fact. Yes, there are situations where it might be important to keep schtum (Chip and smurf both mentioned a couple above), but more generally there is nothing to be gained from concealing the truth about something that is a fundamental part of your human identity. It will do you no good at all. Of course, it's a choice for the individual to make, but my view is that lying (directly, or by omission) keeps people firmly within the closet... and human beings don't belong in closets!
"Lying" means there was an intention to deceive, which is why it gets tagged with shame. Saying something because you believe it is true, or even if you desperately want it to be true, is something different. I hope your friend will feel no shame, but instead have the determination to learn from the past and go forward with the truth. Hugs and best wishes to both of you! =Sevn
Don't think that because you're not out and are in a straight relationship that you won't get in difficult situations. I just managed to avoid the question "How far did you ever go with a woman?" for example. Now I would just answer that it's none of their business because it simply isn't. But at that specific moment in time I had difficulties with that because all the straight women were actually answering the question (although highly inappropriate because they wouldn't have answered the question "How far did you ever go with a man?" would they?) and if I said it was none of their business it would probably make it clear to them that I'm not straight. I was at the point back then that I didn't want to lie anymore but that I wasn't ready to come out yet.
Can you expand on this? I would like to use this but I bet he would want an explanation, especially what "something different" might be
I think at some level we're all trying to understand the truth about ourselves and the world around us. So if someone intentionally tries to prevent that, and says something that he or she know's is false but says it anyway just to gain some advantage, at least for me that destroys the relationship. There's the shame. Much of the truth is easy: the sky is cloudy today here where I am; the elevation on the Denver, CO city limits sign is 5280 feet. But things in human relationships and feelings are not so clear, and they change just like the weather. What's true today might not be true tomorrow. If you tell me something that you believe to be true and later you find it to be false, it's not because you were trying to thwart my own search for the truth, you just made a mistake, or you had bad information. The relationship between us is OK. That deserves understanding. Now, if you tell me something that's not true because you feel threatened, especially something that has to do with your knowledge of yourself, but then you come back and tell me your complete truth, that deserves understanding. And, that has the potential (but no guarantee) of strengthening our relationship. That's my take.
