mixed orientation marriage situation here. i am a bisexual woman, wife to a heterosexual man and we have kids in elementary through pre-teens. we live in a pretty open-minded town, or at least with a known gay community. our kids are homeschooled and attend art and theater classes, some of which are housed in the same building as our lgbtq support or pride alliance. they have attended schools with trans kids as early as grade two and we have not hesitated to ask any questions with honesty. there are gay people in our (non immediate) family and of course there is me... so yesterday i was on a long drive, just me and the kids and my middle (the very curious and chatty one) chimes in “hey mom, what is straight? like what does it mean if a person is straight?” i answered “people who may not identify as gay sometimes refer to themselves as straight... and that gay is an umbrella term, but there are actually many more than one or two ways to identify your romantic or sexual interests” he of course wanted to know more and so i explained a few identities and how to respectfully address them, and how glad i was that he asked me. i am only out to my husband, my/our closest friends, and my oldest child (the timing of coming out to them, i felt was right, and i don’t believe they’ve told their siblings)... during this discussion in the car i contemplated coming out to my kids.. they are pretty mature when it comes to conversation, but are kids after all, and of course bring up stuff at the most awkward times possible, and may put me to others.. but i believe honesty is always okay.. did i make my oldest feel i wasn’t being fully honest by not coming out in that moment? considering sometimes not saying something (like a sort of secret) can feel like dishonesty? am i overthinking this? they know that i am openminded about this subject, but maybe not saying something could make them question how openminded..? have you or would you come out to your kids? check back soon, because while i don’t want to write a novel i think i’ll add some more thoughts on this after some others chime in.. thank you for taking time to read this. -merry
It's good that you want to be honest with your kids. It's a natural parental instinct. Depending on how your kids are (which, by how it sounds, they are pretty mature) your approach to telling them should be specified. However, as it seems that your kids are new to the idea of gender and sexual identities, I would recommend you tell them about your sexual identity when they are more familiar with all the terms. I believe it would be better telling all the kids at the same time (when the time comes) so it is seen that you are not favouring any of your kids over another. This goes along the topic that you are all a family and important topics should be discussed together. You don't have to feel pressured into telling your kids everything about yourself. Some topics are more personal than others and should only be shared when the person feels like it's the right time to share it. I would come out to my kids. I don't have any at this point but I feel like coming out would form a tighter bond in a family. It would also ensure in comfort in case any of my children were questioning who they are.
thank you for your perspective, it is much appreciated. we have a great family bond and i believe it is because we are pretty open to family discussion, but i never thought about it like that. thank you for sharing. i will share a little more about our conversation and my thoughts in a bit. even though this is anonymous i’d like to share bits of my story without telling too much of other’s.. as i believe they each have their own stories to tell. i’d also like to hear some more thoughts on this subject before interjecting my opinions... i am just getting acquainted here and feel pretty comfortable in this community and that feels so great! has anyone here come out to their kids, like non-adult children?
It seems to me that of all the categories of stories here on EC, the ones that go the best are parents coming out to their kids. Children have fewer prejudices, and they probably already have a good opinion of you. (Sounds like it, mom.) Hemo may be right that right this moment might not be the time, but it could be time for you to watch for the next opportunity. Focus less on acts than on feelings ("I get crushes on women too"). Good luck, you have already avoided lots of obstacles that causes train-wrecks for other people.
Just read your "lonely but never alone" post... OK I see the equation has a few more variables in it. Maybe rocking the boat isn't the best idea for the immediate future. Although I still recommend coming out to one's kids, right now it could be perceived (it could actually be) an attempt to sow divisions by inviting sympathy. (Or something... people make the weirdest inferences about others' motives.) Sorry for the chaos. Good luck!
good point! of course i’m only sharing parts of these stories here as some details are not mine to tell... that being said, my partner has made discriminatory remarks (privately to me) in the past about lgbtqa.. people... tried to brush it off as a joke or even sometimes saying his beliefs are that exposing kids to the community is like convincing them to live that lifestyle... well, i saw a post from a counselor in regards to teaching kids acceptance early on and it had a list of books that are family friendly. so i mentioned the list to my partner. he was immediately defensive and i asked him why it is okay then that the kids witness violence in movies or other bs stereotypes in television shows about heteronormative behaviors, the mean girls, the expectations on them to fulfill said stereotypes.. i asked him why he thought reading a book featuring and lgbtqa family or transgender child would make them be that way if conversion therapy can’t make one straight?! they are what they are! my biggest fear is that he doesn’t love ALL of who i am and that he may not allow them to be themselves fully. i don’t believe it is intentional, and as i said, i’m not sharing some parts of the full story... even if not coming out to the kids i feel as though they should have healthy views of all lifestyles. growing up i had very little representation of what being gay really was and i wish i’d have known sooner...
and some more thoughts... as i want to branch out and make more friends in the lgbt... community in our smallish town, as well as let more of my close friends know, i am bisexual and in a mixed orientation marriage, i don’t want to have my family be the last to know, or especially to find out from someone else. last night my youngest asked me about someone’s rainbow make-up and then ultimately wanted to know who all we know that is gay.. i didn’t want to divert the conversation, but am also glad a simple “many people we know and love” satisfied as an answer. but it also felt a little bit like lying. obviously, i am here, asking for advice, and not fully confident on coming out to my kids quite yet.. i am however hoping to source some advice, input and ideas for when the time comes.
I was open with my kids from a very young age. My oldest knew when she was probably around 5 (she is almost 18 now). I was with their mother until June 2015. It was something that after a while was just "matter of fact". And because it was never made into a huge deal, there was never any problem with them accepting it. My girls have actually told several of their friends I am gay, and don't seem to have any shame or hesitation about it.
thank you for sharing that! i am not the only queer person in our family, and they have never been biased about anyone we know. kids are so great and they usually don’t seem to get enough credit for how open minded they are.
I definitely am very blessed with how my girls are. My youngest identifies as (at least) bi. It is very nice to see them be pretty certain, and comfortable in, their identities.
yes! yay! this is a big part of why i want to be open with them now. of course, i want to also respect my opposite sex, heterosexual partner’s feeling on the matter. he knows it is a big part of who i am, but is apprehensive as he thinks it will influence them to find themselves more queer than had i not come out. i don’t understand his logic, because on the other hand he admits you can’t simply influence one to be straight... while i don’t support his logic i do support his feelings. just hoping he comes around soon, because the last thing i want is my coming out to have a negative impact on my family (especially the kids). it is important to me that it is just very matter of fact and perceived as ok, as it is!
I think above all he should be glad that at least the kids may feel freer to explore. It isn't like you're coming out and wanting to make them drink the "gay kool-aid". If they had any same sex inclinations, it would be of tremendous help to them to know they have an ally within their own home.
just wanted to post a little update here, our family has naturally had many conversations since this original post.. some examples are new friends were coming to visit and our child wanted to make a bathroom sign, they made the men’s and women’s symbols we often see out in public. without critiques i asked “would all guests feel comfortable with that sign?” and together as a family we figured out who may be missing and it became a bathroom for all people sign, even including a wheelchair symbol. our niece came out to my kids as bisexual! i was super proud of the kids for not making a big deal or outing her (as this was at a big family event) by instead waiting to discuss it privately with me once we arrived home. it was a great teaching moment and they had lots of good questions. things have been asked like “was dad your first boyfriend or have you dated other guys?” and i said “or have i dated other people?” by the conversation i think they took it more as a signal to ask more inclusive questions. one of our children brought up our niece being bisexual again recently and asked if that meant half and half. we discussed that it more really means they are open to date someone they find attractive, intellectually or sexually, of any gender identity and not specifically because of their gender identity. to which they declared they wouldn’t reject an interested person before fully getting to know them. (parenting win?) my partner has been expressing more love, being more mindful and even encourages me to do more things out of the house. he even recently suggested i do more in the lgbt community, and said it is a bummer i don’t drink because the biggest place in our town to meet others may be the bars. he hasn’t been scoffing at or detouring my openness when it comes to discussing lgbtq stuff with the kids and we have all grown so much in a short time. i am feeling more hopeful about things in general, even if i haven’t made coming out an event, i believe who i am is clear. thank you all for your responses and support here! i am really enjoying having this community at EC
