hi Does anyone know what this means? It’s very annoying. I get it sometimes and it feels like I’m supposed to be doing something, but the is no image or more specific concept associated with the feeling. This is why it’s so annoying, it’s like an itch on the back...
I might be able to relate, but rather than assume I have some follow-up questions to see if I understand. When you say empty, what does "full" look like? Doing something, does that relate to taking action in your transition? It's obvious from your message that it's super intangible and hard to describe... could you tell a story about a time when you felt the feeling? what were you doing before, what thoughts came into your head, how did you react?
Thank you for your reply Kay! 1. Full is when I feel I want something and I can picture it in a more or less specific way. If I want a cake, I feel “wanting” and picture a cake. If you understand what I mean... that is a full want. The empty want is the feeling of wanting not attatched to anything. But. I somehow know this specific want relates to gender, but that is all I’m able to figure out. 2. It’s a very general thing. Doing something might as well mean buying and eating the cake in the cake example. I am also not sure if it relates to transition specifically, this trans feeling. Maybe it does not, in a way, I have had that before that I need a “regular dose” of gender related things. Previously it was e.g. about playing sports or dressing masculine. I mean not specifically, but I was able to materialise and let out this energy. 3. Which leads to: maybe this specific energy is just too weak to be understood? Because I can’t recall anything specific relating to it. It’s like I wake up in the morning or do a math homework assignment and just “hear” it whisper. But what is it whispering? No clue. Which makes me think I have felt something like that before and it makes me afraid to think about it because that thing is like a bad omen... that I’m going to crack soon. Maybe it’s the cognitive dissonance and it might mean I’m missing something hidden and subtle. Maybe it means that I don’t really like something I believe I like.
I think I can relate to those feelings... it's almost like this sort of extra layer of problems that comes from being NB... At least binary trans people get to have conviction and a goal line that they can look at someone and say "I want to be like that"... but with NB folx while there are roll models and people who are showing how they live their lives outside of the gender binary, there really isn't a set of "here is what I can copy from what they are doing"... for example as a transfeminine person with slightly more fem leaning perspective I find myself relating mostly to AFAB folx who bias towards maybe being a little more of their birth assigned gender but with other enbyish traits. The type of AFAB person who says "you can call me she or they"... they're the closest I have to role models, yet their experience is still very different from my own. I cant see myself in others and so I have a tough time seeing myself as valid... there is no reference point to say "They experienced this like I did, so I can confirm that I'm on the right track"... it's a lonely feeling. I do want a something... I'd love to have a clear path towards transition for myself... I'd love it if I could explain to people who I am and they say "Oh, I know what that means"... rather than "but there are only 2 genders, do you mean like you want to be a woman"... I dunno... not sure if this is the stuff you meant... but I definitely feel the empty, invisible desires. Those are normal for me though. Neurological I have a tough time connecting my thoughts on expression and stuff with reality. So I am kind of used to a thought of "I am going to do this" but then not being able to do it exactly that way so I tend not to let myself believe the concepts in my head... ** shrugs ** I do hope you feel better though ♥
I'm the same! But the opposite way. I'm not 100% masculine, but still lean this way despite some androgyny, being FAAB. That's so spot on! That's exacly it. Thank you a lot. Yup, I feel better, I think.
Yeah, I have issues with identity stability due to other mental health issues, but I definitely feel gender stuff overlaps in this field since they’re related and I experience both. I often feel like I’m empty in the sense that my identity is lacking something, or maybe moreso that I’m lacking something that I feel is crucial to my identity because I’m unable to express it properly in a way that comes across clearly to others, or the way I want it to, or when I do feel “noticed” or affirmed, this feeling doesn’t last and is often situational, which can lead me to questioning if I’m real because I don’t know what to feel the rest of the time.. sometimes it can be more subtle than that though, like just wanting to achieve something with my transition or identity or something and feeling stuck on how to get there when it’s so largely subjective on other’s perspective of me.
You know... there is this episode of the Cleveland show where Junior (a boy) is dating a girl after getting a makeover. After he asks her to prom the girlfriend is jazzed about how people will react to them being a lesbian couple at the prom... He looks in the mirror... doc martens, chain wallet, quiff in the hair, plaid shirt... he says "yeah, I see it".... That kind of ambiguity, would be GREAT! I've said to some of my friends... the perfect gender presentation for me is not when straight people start calling me by the correct pronouns... it's when queer people aren't quite sure which direction I am coming from... If I could get to that point I'll feel as though my gender is expressed in the right way then I'll feel like I am expressing my gender as my true self. I've seen people online who are like that but they're mostly a bunch of skinny stick figures and I am extra plus size (I don't mind too much, only working to change it for health reasons otherwise I am not too bugged by it)... So sometimes I have to define things for myself... That makes it a lot tougher, especially when I am depressed... but sometimes when I get it right, and I can be my own gender role model... that's a good day
I can relate to that.. It's hard when we feel a hole that is intangible.. And if you can't visualize it then how can you fill it? Almost as difficult is being able to visualize it but not having a path to progress towards it.
Just as a question, is the empty feeling directly related to being Trans? The reason I'm asking is because I identify as "fluid" I often feel out of place regardless of where I am at on the spectrum, like a part of me is missing. Sometimes I think that because there are so few people and resources for needing to express all of me that that is where that emptiness might come from.. Being in a lonely place even within a relatively small group. I don't know if you can relate to this, but I often tell myself that I'm OK and it's ok to just be me, even if it's a lonely place and that somewhere out there is someone else in exactly the same place if not the exact same boat.
Yes, this is a feeling that is about being trans, I think it must result from lacking a point of reference and "okay I see what you mean" on the part of others.
yeah, it's two ways isn't it... There is one side of it... and that is "I can't see someone else like me to be able to compare"... no reference point to connect the dots for my own head to who I am and how I fit in... but then there is also the side of... When I describe my experience to others, no one will ever perfectly understand it because even with all the specific gendery terms none really quite fit what my experience is really like so all I can do is approximate. Those who understand gender divergence will understand at a broad level but probably never quite know that detailed feeling that I have, and those who don't understand gender divergence don't even believe I exist most times
Hi Emery! I understand you, I used to feel the same thing. It's probably either because you feel like you're not actively transitioning or because you don't feel your gender. Like, comfortable with yourself and stuff. Idk what do you think
