I'm thinking of coming out to my parents and I just phoned a hotline for support around this and the guy asked me this question- do I really need to come out?- and it really threw me. Then he asked me why I wanted to come out to my parents and I didn't really have a solid answer So, I was just wondering what other people's thoughts are on coming out. What are your reasons for coming out to your family, is it really necessary? I mean obviously if you are dating someone then, yes it's necessary to come out then, but if you're still single, what are your reasons for wanting to come out? And for people who have already come out to everyone - why did you do it and what do you feel are the benefits of coming out? Sorry these questions might seem elementary it's just when the guy asked, i didn't know how to respond and made me think, maybe I'm beating myself up over nothing by not coming out to my parents and maybe I don't really need to come out at all while I'm still single, what does it really matter anyway?
I think its a good question. I did it as I felt they needed to know in case I wanted to date a guy or they caught me lol
Yeah it is a good question and it has really got me thinking. I don't really have the kind of relationship with my parents where we talk about sex or relationships very openly so I wonder what's the point of having to awkwardly craft up some kind of situation to tell them, I'm gay, for them to be very uncomfortable and for me to be very uncomfortable too and then what...? What are they going to say? "congratulations" ... ?!! Part of me thinks, what if they die without knowing the real me, that I'm really gay. But then what is the real me anyway,? Being gay is only a very small part of me, like being straight is only a small part of them.
Ultimately, it is up to you to decide if you need to/should come out now or wait. in my case, I knew I would need to come out at some point since I knew I liked guys so I decided that I wanted to come out at that time instead of waiting until I actually had a boyfriend.
Cashew.....In a perfect world, no one would need to come out...but we're not in a perfect world. Some people may not need to come out. I have a friend who is gay and has never needed to come out. He has pretty much always been sure of himself and just went about being who he was. He is a friendly, happy person who gets along with just about everyone and no one seems to care at all that he is gay. That's rare. There are a lot of reasons to come out, but I'll just share my reason. I hid my sexuality from the world and myself for 42 years. The depression, shame and self-hate that caused nearly killed me. It was that secret that was controlling everything I said, everything I did and how I did almost everything. The only way for me to "kill" that secret permanently was to come out....to tell someone so that it was no longer a secret. That was the only way that I could break the power that the secret held over me. So for me, coming out was absolutely necessary. There are many other reasons....but that's what happened to me! .....David
Yeah. Some people like to be open and not have secrets or feel like they're hiding anything. Guess its how you feel and the relationship you have with your parents. Guess if there is no reason to tell them or tell them now.
I am myself. I accept who I am. I come out as me. it is all I am able to do the closest label I can come up with is bi in reality I need love from a guy and a girl, close friends what ever you call it sex will happen with one or two that are close to me in my lifetime. I at 55 just know this, I like sex, I am human, and I only want someone I love that loves me back when it comes to a sexual situation. That is where I am with it now. I need women and men in my life. Sex not so sure where that fits in at 55 almost 56. Time will tell.
While we are closeted all relationships lack authenticity. We are more guarded and make a conscious effort to avoid some conversations, particularly conversations about sex, dating and relationships. We can never speak freely and have to consider every word and sentence, just in case we say something that lets that hidden part of our identity slip out by mistake, and over time the pressure of living like that builds and builds and builds, with all the detrimental consequences that quebec referred to in his post. So I would ask some different questions. Do you want inauthentic and stunted relationships with the people you love and care about? Do you want to exclude yourself from strong family and friendship bonds, while you hide behind the closet door? When we choose not to come out that's really what happens. That's what life becomes. Do you want to live in a state of perpetual denial and carry a secret about your human identity for years and years? Instead of asking if you really need to come out, you should ask yourself what it means to not come out.
This was a huge issue for me when I was in the closet. I was relatively popular at school and church, the teachers and other adults in town liked me, and it was all a huge lie. They liked the me that I showed, not the me that I am. The homophobia of the people in the town I used to live in was their fault, but the fact that all of these friendships were fake and built on lies was my fault. Coming out was amazingly important to me. I wanted to be me instead of being who others expected me to be.
I know I should come out as bi, but I’m not sure I will. I’m married and have no plans to cheat on my wife. I go back and forth on this, but I’m leaning on staying in at this point
Thanks David. I'm so sorry for your suffering. I've been living with this secret for quite a long time now too. I have told a few of my friends a few years ago, which wasn't too difficult, they're very liberal people. But yeah, just to be completely open about yourself with everyone seems like it will be very freeing. This is why I initially phoned the helpline because, I don't sleep well and I suffer from anxiety and I thought, maybe this is the thing that is keeping me so anxious all the time... maybe it will be like a huge weight lifted from my shoulders and I can finally relax (!!).
Thanks Patrick. YES! This is what I needed to hear and this is why I know in my heart that I need to do this. I just forgot it or I wanted to forget this reason as I'll do anything to put this awkward situation off !! I hate not being able to be totally honest with my family. I hold so much shame, not mainly around being gay, (admittedly some I'm still working through) but mainly my shame is around it taking me so long to figure this out and how people are going to react to me coming out so late (im mid-30's). I've been holding on to this shame for a long time, and obviously the irony is that the longer I leave it the worse it becomes !
For me, coming out to my immediate family and close friends has been an integral part of accepting myself. I had admitted being bisexual to myself but until I(accidentally lol) came out to a friend for the first time it didn't feel "real". Since starting the process I've been much happier and relaxed with myself. And being honest, with myself and others, about my sexuality has made me be more honest with myself about other aspects of my life.
Hi @Cashew: For some whether or not they are financially independent of their parents is a critical issue that needs to be reviewed before deciding to come out as parental backlash can leave them high and dry. Another thing to consider.
Thanks everyone for your responses. I've finally come to the decision that I do definitely want to tell my parents. I just want to be able to relax and not freeze up every time someone talks about relationships or me being single etc...I feel that not being fully open is preventing me from fully exploring this side of me & I'm tired of looking over my shoulder every time i try to. I recently told another friend that I am gay a few weeks ago and I was kind of stunned by her reaction which was really indifferent. I think I can build up in my heads people's reactions to be worse than they are actually going to be (unless the person of course is homophobic). So I've decided I'm going to do it.... wish me luck .
I love this post! I think both David and Patrick made extremely important points that really stick with me and explain how I feel.
