Can I be bi if I only watch lesbian porn and fantasize about women?

Do you see yourself with a woman in the future? Can you picture yourself being in a relationship with and eventually getting married to a woman, maybe even starting a family with her? How does that make you feel? Now imagine the same future with a man. Do you notice a difference in terms of feelings?

 

I understand it's tiring. You say you only fantasize about women when you masturbate. So you never fantasize about your own boyfriend? If not, why do you think that is? And only fantasizing about women doesn't make you any less of a bisexual, if that's what you are. I've heard bi people can experience different levels of attraction for different genders, so you may enjoy sexual fantasy about women more but also enjoy commitment and sex with a man in real life

Who do you want to grow old with, a woman or a man? Have you ever felt attraction to another woman in real life?
Oh and look back at your life and examine past experiences. Can you recall any signs that would suggest you were attracted to women earlier on?

 

Then again if you absolutely cannot picture yourself with a woman in real life that doesn't sound very bisexual to me. There must be some level of genuine attraction. You do seem more sure about your attraction to men though. You say the idea of a future with your boyfriend puts you at ease, and that you enjoy sex with him. Sorry if this is personal, but are you in love with your boyfriend? And how did your past relationships with men, if any, play out? I would rule out the label lesbian for now and focus on the unexplored part of you, attraction to women.

 

Sexuality isn't just about who your attracted to its who you fall in love with. You could be a lesbian and enjoy sex with your boyfriend but you could just be bisexual. If your relationship feels calm it sounds safe.I think you should experiment but to do that you'd have to get of your boyfriend and you don't want to hurt him. But if you are a lesbian is it fair to him if you stay with him. I don't know if it's possible to find the passionate relationships described in books. But there may be more than what you have. Try fantasising about your boyfriend when you masturbate. If you can't feel anything when fantasising about him or other men you may want to try a lesbian relationship.

 

@Loves books: “Who you’re attracted to” is quite literally the definition of sexuality. I once read a quote that said something along the lines of “sexuality isn’t just who you’re active in the bedrooom with. It’s the person you bring home to introduce to your family, the person whose photo you keep on your desk, the person you raise children with, etc.

Sexuality encompasses so many different facets of our lives, and that’s why it’s important to know. Obviously, it’s not my place to say, but OP sounds legitimately attracted to her boyfriend. If this is her first time questioning sexuality, it’s possible that she’s just bored with her current boyfriend and looking for some excitement in her sex life? This is esspecially possible given OP’s original description of not wanting to commit to her boyfriend before she knows what else is out there for her. OP, you are free to identify however you want in the end. But from your description, i would look in bisexuality, pansexuality, demisexuality, and other polysexual identities, or into the idea that your romantic and sexual identities may not lines up (e.g, biromantic-heterosexual, etc). Hope this helps!

 

I can somewhat relate to what you are saying. I consider myself bi. I am engaged to the most wonderful man in the world. That being said I am rarely attracted to men. I exclusively fantasize about women and never about men. On the other hand I do know that I am attracted to men because not only do I find my finacee attracive but on occasion I will find another man attractive. I believe that sexuality lies on a spectrum and that it can also be a bit fluid. I am bi but I lean more towards females than I do males. Maybe its posible that you might be experiencing something similar. Dont rush yourself though, give yourself the time you need to connect the dots. I started doubting my sexuality when i was 14 and i didnt come to terms with it until i was about 19. Even now try to not use lables, i like to say that i am “not straight” and I simply just leave it at that. I understand how confused you must be and how uncomfortable all of this is. But with time you will know what is right for you.

 

Morene, your description of yourself, to me, sounds like you might be Homosexual Biromantic. Have you considered that?

Sexuality is fluid and it's possible to be attracted to one gender romantically and then another sexually.

You might also be dealing with internalised homophobia causing you to feel forced into a romantic heterosexual relationship.

Look up on Google things like heteronormativity etc. (Heteronormativity is fundamentally how society brainwashes us into idealising heterosexual relationships.) Opening your eyes to social conditioning will help you see yourself clearer, as a human being independent of socially constructed "norms". Also, remember you are young and there is no rush, so don't give yourself a hard time.

Maybe bring this up with your boyfriend? I understand why you feel conflicted while dating him, but could you open up to him about your feelings? How you feel about women etc.? At least you could stay good friends with him. That would be fair on him. It sounds like your relationship is more platonic and friendship-based than passionate. Whilst it is not the single most important thing in a relationship, I believe deep physical attraction is crucial.

Just my two cents. Best of luck!

 

Hey there. Sexuality is confusing isn't it? But it's okay to not know what you want right now, or to want something today and something else the next. It's all part of the fun. Personally, from what you have written you sound bi to me. You are attracted to your boyfriend, but I don't think you would be fantasizing and feeling aroused by two women together in sex scenes if you weren't bisexual. One sign for me that I wasn't straight was that scenes from The L Word really turned me on. I didn't just like watching it I wanted those things to happen to me. I really craved a feminine touch but I also love men a lot. So that's how I knew. Of course I subscribe to the spectrum analogy. You can lean straight or lean gay, and romantically and sexually another way. I won't worry about being inexperienced though, with men or women. I am a virgin in my early twenties and never kissed anyone. But that's because I am really picky and the timing has never been right. Feel free to message me if you need more help.

 

I think what Closeted13 was trying to say is that society normalized homosexuality so much that it is subliminally in our minds as the way it should be. I have heard so many accounts of people realizing their sexuality later in life, often after an event of someone famous publicly coming out or after starting to see more “realistic” examples (which is another topic for another day) of non heteronormative relationships vs not knowing anyone at all or only having seen stereotypes of non straight people.

i think the generation of kids now will find it easier earlier on to not only realize their sexuality but to identify much younger in life having society starting to welcome a variety of lifestyles.

personally, i didn’t identify as bisexual until much later in life (read after marriage and kids) and looking back i believe it is because the only few examples i had seen of lesbians were very butch “aunts” my jr high sporting events (ahem softball games) and in the media they only examples were portrayed as sluts or girls making out for some sleeve ball guy (what was that movie, wild things? neve campbell and that one chick?) and i surely didn’t relate with those examples.

however, now, looking back i can see it all along! i played sports and was nervous about the locker room (not self conscious about my body, but it made me feel things) i was *really into “chick flicks”, like Now and Then and couldn’t get enough Brooke Shields in the Blue Lagoon... i totally didn’t know why at the time, but looking back I wasn’t hanging posters of hot boys all over my bedroom walls like most of my friends... these realizations keep coming to me, even a few years after realizing i am sexually fluid.

 

typo^ society normalized heterosexuality so much

 

No problem. Your descriptions of choosing to turn down men kind of reminds me of grey-area asexuality. Being grey-asexual would also fit your description of not feeling homosexual in particular, but feeling "different", though with some attraction to both genders.

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Gray-A/Grey-A

Anyway, best of luck!

 

One more thing, Morene; demisexuality. It sounds like the emotional bond you've created with your boyfriend has led to you enjoying sex with him, when you normally don't find random, unfamiliar guys attractive. That definitely sounds like demisexuality.

http://wiki.asexuality.org/Demisexual

I myself am about 90% gay, and find myself attracted to women without any emotional connection. With men, there are certainly men in my life that I find myself sexually attracted to, and I have enjoyed sex with two of them. But that attraction only happened once I had created deep emotional intimacy with them. My ex-boyfriend is a good example. He was a great friend of mine, so that when he asked me out, I was "emotionally ready" to enjoy sex with him. But I never would have been attracted to him, if I met him as a stranger walking down the street.

Good luck in all this. Just don't stress. The reason I'm so keen to help you, to see yourself clearer, is that your situation reminds me so much of my younger self, back when I was going out of my mind over why I loved women so much!

 

I totally get it. I am in the same situation. Execpt that I feel like my feelings are drifting from my relationship. I think about being with a women. My desire for my boyfriend has really gone down. If you will take a suggestion from me, make sure you are open and honest with your boyfriend.