I never once questioned my sexuality until I was 20 years old. All my life I grew up obsessed about breasts, p***y, and women's asses (excuse my profanity). I remember the first time I felt a real sexual rush (felt something really going on under the belt) when I saw a picture of a woman in a bikini when I was 11 or 12. I soon began masturbating constantly to recordings of unrated movies with boobs in them, swimsuit editions of sports illustrated, and thoughts of girls I went to school with. Over the years I developed a pretty significant pornography addiction (1-3 times a day, and only to straight porn), but I would still masturbate to Facebook pics of girls I knew in bikinis. Other than on one occasion that I thought a trans-woman looked kind of "pretty" when I was 13, I never once was aroused by men or the thought of being with a man. Hell, I even went to an all-boy summer camp from 8-19 and was surrounded by shirtless guys constantly; never thought or felt a thing. Anyway, I always crushed on girls throughout grade school and my freshman year of college, although I am socially awkward and was never very successful in getting a girlfriend or attracting a girl that I actually liked. I had a couple of physical encounters with a couple of girls my junior year of high school, but I wasn't really too into it (as they sought me out and were honestly just really unattractive). Needless to say, I didn't get an erection. I ended up getting diagnosed with depression halfway through my senior year and got prescribed an SSRI, which are known for lowering one's sex drive. About a week after I started taking it, a girl in one of my classes that I talked to here and there texted me saying that she always thought I was hot and wanted to have sex with me before we graduated. She was okay looking, better than the other two that I had hooked up with, and since I was a virgin I said sure, let's do it. I decided to go over to her house about a week later when her parents were gone, but before I went over there I masturbated as I was worried I might not last very long. Anyway, I got over there and my heart was pounding from anxiety. We started getting to it and although it took me a moment to get an erection, I did get one and she started giving me a blowjob. It felt great, but I knew I wasn't going to cum anytime soon. After a few minutes of that she asked if I was ready, I said yeah, so I put on a condom and she lowered herself onto me. My heart was still pounding, and within seconds, I lost my erection. I was super embarrassed, and she was upset and said, "well, you either don't find me that attractive or you're gay." I didn't know what to say except that I was sorry and that I guessed it was the medication. She left, and I didn't have another sexual encounter until my second semester of sophomore year of college. I spent most of my freshman and sophomore years of college smoking weed, playing video games, and watching more pornography. I didn't go out much, but I went to a party one night near the end of the semester and somehow managed to start chatting it up with a girl that I found fairly attractive. I vividly remember feeling really aroused just looking at her ass from across the yard, but anyway, one thing led to another and she came back to my place. I didn't really have any trouble getting an erection, and she gave me a blowjob to completion, granted I had to think about one of my favorite porn scenes to help me finish. She texted me the next day saying that she couldn't stop thinking about me and that she wanted to come back over and have sex with me. I got really aroused at reading that, but also really anxious at the same time, thinking back to the last time I tried to have intercourse and failed. So she came over that night, we tried to have sex, and of course, I lost my erection immediately upon penetrating her. Needless to say, it was embarrassing and I never saw/spoke to her again after that. I decided to google why I was struggling so much to maintain an erection for sex and came across some sites dedicated to spreading awareness about porn addiction. It talked all about the damaging effects of porn addiction and how It can lead to problems in the bedroom, especially for guys that started watching from a young age. I read many other accounts of guys that experienced the same thing and managed to eventually cure it by abstaining from pornography and masturbation for a prolonged period of time. I decided to give it a shot when the semester ended and I went back home for the summer, as I was (and still am) definitely a bonafide porn addict. I also decided to try and quit my antidepressants and marijuana at the same time. And this brings us to the issue at hand. About ten days into this "abstinence," my social anxiety was through the roof, which I associated with withdrawals. Anyway, I went to the gym one afternoon and was greeted by the guy working the front counter who was (no offense) a pretty flamboyant gay guy. He startled me a bit and when I looked at him to say hey, I noticed a tingle in my groin, which felt kinda like arousal and completely mindfucked me. I'd seen him and said hello a hundred times before, and this had never happened. I spent the rest of the day thinking about it and analyzing it over and over again in my head. The next day I went to the gym and was asking myself if it would happen again, and sure enough, it did. At this point it put me into a panic and I got online to test my reactions to pictures of men and women online. The old feelings I used to feel looking at hot women weren't happening anymore, and instead they were happening when I looked at the men, although there was more anxiety than pleasure. I decided to fall off the wagon purposefully to test my reactions to porn and see if I paid more attention to the man or the woman, and low and behold, I started paying more attention to the penis and abs instead of the woman's anatomy, which I had always focused on in the past. I soon started to compulsively check out every man and woman I would come across out in public to test the reactions in my groin. At first I would only get a movement in my groin to guys here and there, but it gradually evolved into getting the reactions to just about any guy who isn't plain hideous. To make matters worse, I started getting them around my friends who I've known and hungout with forever without ever thinking about them sexually. Now I can hardly even make eye contact with them without getting filled with anxiety. So I went back to college for my junior year, which I just finished, and things were just as bad there, and now I'm back at home again for the summer. I'm constantly anxious, be it around my friends (who it seems I'm suddenly becoming sexually attracted to), watching television/movies or playing video games I used to love (where my groin is responding to male characters I never once thought about because I was busy fantasizing about the female characters), etc. It seems like my entire life has turned upside down. Occasionally my sexual attraction to women seems to come back, but it's only for brief moments before my brain chimes in "that doesn't do it for you anymore. How bout some abs and whatnot?" I don't know if I just watched porn and masturbated so much that I conditioned myself to think that I was attracted to women, and that I was getting erect simply because of the physical stimulation rather than what I was seeing, or if all the masturbation and the antidepressants mellowed my sex drive out enough in public which caused me to just not notice men until I quit both of them or what. Even if I cave and watch porn and masturbate, I can be out in public ten minutes later and have my groin going off to every half-way decent guy that walks by. It just feels like in this past year I've gone from having never thought twice about being straight to being the gayest guy on Earth. It also doesn't help that I have the finger-digit-ratio commonly associated with homosexual men (longer index finger than ring finger), which I've found to be accurate like 75% of the time. Although I must say, the idea of actually being intimate and in a relationship with a man doesn't really appeal to me, but maybe that's because I just don't want to think I could enjoy it. Now I apologize for the giant article i just wrote, but I'm just so fucking confused and could use some guidance. I also just want to point out that I have nothing against LGBT folks (hell, I might even be one). I have several friends who are gay and an older brother that is gay, and I view them no differently or care for them any less than I do my straight friends/family members. I felt compelled to post on here before talking to my brother about it, as when he came out to me years ago and I told him that I couldn't care less, it never even crossed my mind that I might also be gay. Furthermore, my family and friends are very liberal and accepting, so I don't have to worry about anything in that regard. It's just that my mind is occupied by this from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed, and I spend all day every day checking my responses to people (which now seem automatic). I'd love to just say "Fuck it, I'm gay," and quit worrying about it, but there's part of me that just can't accept that due to all of the memories I had from the earliest age up until a year ago indicating that I was attracted to women. Anyway, thank you for any words of advice in advance.
Hi! So, yes. I think you might be gay. I'm not exactly sure what role the porn addiction/masturbation/antidepressants play into it all, but it sounds like some gayness has been released. That's the way I like to think of it, as being 'released,' because I think a lot of gay people go through their early life confident that they're straight and then one day realize that they might not be (and I'm not just talking about bi people, but gay/lesbians too). Sexuality is literally so confusing and doesn't work in a nice, recognizable, sensible way like we'd like it to. I think the biggest indicator in your story for me was the part where you said that you felt your body was saying that girls "just don't do it for you anymore," cause I started having similar feelings for guys (I'm still not sure how I feel about guys, but when I would have those thoughts, it made me more confident that I did like women). I don't think you have to swear off girls completely if you don't want to (I always hesitate to ID as a lesbian because I'm worried I'm actually bi and I can't stand the thought of committing and then changing labels), but I definitely think you should explore your attraction to guys. Oh, and about your experiences with girls- again, not sure how porn/masturbation/antidepressants play into it, but I've been with a few guys before, and they never had problems getting or keeping it up, and I don't think that they had to fantasize about anything other than what I was doing to get off (at least I hope not). The fact that that wasn't the case for you makes me think you're pretty gay. Side note: I am sincerely jealous of people who have dicks. I wish I had something like that to make things clearer, cause I do that thing you were describing where I stare at every person I see and try to gauge my attraction to them, but it's honestly really difficult to know sometimes cause you overthink it.
Hey, I can't really say what I think you are but I can relate to the 'flood gates opening' kind of experience. I took the contraceptive pill from early teens & I feel it may have messed up my hormones because I didn't have any feelings of sexual attraction until my mid twenties. I therefore assumed I was straight & had romantic non-sexual attraction for men. I realised my feelings one day when I was watching one of my ex boyfriends porn films and realised I was very interested in the women in the films and had no interest in the men whatsoever, in fact i kind of wished they weren't in it (ha,ha!). Then for about two years it was like the flood gates opened I was literally attracted all of a sudden to SO many women. It was very weird. It was like it had been suppressed for so long and then came flooding out. Before this happened I was able to have sex with my boyfriend but I never really fully enjoyed it, I always felt there was something missing and then after I started having these attractions, having sex with my boyfriend just felt wrong. I have never had any sexual attraction for men and never felt aroused by them. I always enjoyed kissing but any further than that and I would just get pretty bored. Having such strong sexual feelings for women when you were younger might indicate that you are bi-sexual? I definitely agree that sexual attraction just is not as clear cut as it's made out to be for many people. There is a famous radio DJ in the UK called Tom Robinson who lived up until his early 30's believing he was gay and then he fell in love with a woman and married her.
Im not sure if this is entierly correct, as i thought that anxiety and pressure to perform are know to "kill" erections and arousal. And i also believe that its fairly normal to fantasize while having sex, since the mind often is refferd to as the most important sex organ. Im not saying that everyone does it, but i dont think its out of the ordinary. And personally i wouldnt get offended, as people know best what gets them over the edge, but thats just my opinion. To comment on your post OP: i can relate to a lot of things that you write. Not the actions or chain of events, but the conflicting emotions and thinking. I dont know what your sexual orientation is. I wish i could, because i know how confusing it is. But what i can tell from your post is that to me, it seems as if you have had and still have attraction to women. It also seems that you are experiencing attraction to men in some way. So, maybe bi is suitable? I dont know. But what i do know is that you wont be able to find peace with all this thinking and constant analysis of every interaction with other people. This anxiety is not good for you. This obsession wont lead you anywhere. I know this because im walking that road. I am obessed with my sexuality : "who am i? Who do i like? Do i like her? Do i like him??". This has been going on for 6 months now. And let me tell you: im not that much closer to any kind of conclusion. All this thinking has only brought me tears, stress, fear, nausea, isolation and poor sleep. I am seeing a therapist because of this. And before my first session with him, i was sure that he would help me sort out my sexuality. That trough his knowledge, he would help me unfold my sexual identity, by making me talk about crushes, porn preferences, sexual interactions and so on. So that in the end, i could say "im bi!" Or "im a lesbian!" Guess what? Thats not the reality. Thats not the case. Because my - and your problem - is not neccesarily our sexuality. Its not that maybe we like men, or women, or both. Because that in it self is fine, its fine either way. Our problem is that we have so much fear, stress and/or anxiety in relations to our sexuality. And thats not fine. Thats not OK - because its making us miss out on life. Are you happy now? Right in this moment while possibly reading this comment? I know im not. But i am better. Which is why i am continuing seeing my therapist. I want my life back. And i hope you also are motivated enough to tackle this challenge. Please reach out. Please seek help. I promise that it is worth it, because i promise that it will get better.
Hi there. I found your thread title particularly relatable for me because I was you for eighteen years give or take. I'm bi now, but my attraction to women was buried so deep I didn't even know it existed. I think this burying thing is common and I wouldn't be surprised to learn that a lot of "straight" people are this way and never find out. I found out because I made a conscious effort to explore my sexuality and to stop thinking of myself as straight. Only then did my attraction to women surface and it's actually getting stronger. You say you are now attracted to men, but are worried you are no longer attracted to women. I think based on what you described, your feelings for women were genuine, they sound way too strong and were present for too many years to not be, so I think it's safe to say you're bi. A gay guy wouldn't have been so attracted. It's very common also for people to "switch" what gender they like and be into that gender for a while and then it will switch back again. I experience this and you might just be in a men phase that will be followed by a woman phase and back again. Either way, all the feelings you wrote here are perfectly normal.
