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Advice on how to deal with this

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Lion4, May 19, 2018.

  1. Lion4

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    I've been questioning for like 8 months now and all the evidence would suggest I'm a lesbian. I want to be a lesbian so badly. I worry that I can't be, that my attraction to women isn't real. Anyway, that's not the point of this thread.

    I honestly don't think I will be 100% confident that I am gay or in claiming the label for myself until I either have sex with - or ideally - a real relationship with a woman. Nevermind that I'm terrified this will never happen (that I won't fall for anyone), but I'm not in a position to go out and date etc. at the moment and it will be a few months before I can.

    But I cannot stop thinking about my sexuality and analysing it, I'm so sick of it. I just want to be able to not think about it like I used to when I thought I was straight. It's distracting and I can't be productive. How can I stop myself from obsessing over this? How can I just forget about it and stop worrying for the next few months. I just want to get on with my life. What do I do??

    I'm the type of person who just has to know everything about everything and be 100% sure about all my decisions and I love research and being meticulous. But I'm at the point where this isn't helpful anymore but I'm so desperate to know 100% my orientation is that I'm always looking for that one post or video that will 100% confirm it for me. Argh please help.
     
  2. Limiteded

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    You sound a lot like me right now. Due to certain circumstances right now my ability to go out and find someone is limited. I thought for a while I was bi but now I feel like there is a good possibility I’m gay. But I’ve yet to have that real experience to confirm it. I have done a ton of research on how to tell if you are gay. I have a lot of the signs but there are some signs that point to being bi. I just want to get out there and find someone to be sure and move on from there.
     
  3. Dotwork

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    Hi @Lion4. Can I ask what makes you think that your attraction to women isn’t real??

    I completely understand about being sick of analysing your sexuality.
    It gets so tiring doesn’t it.
    I sometimes feel the same and I’ve been doing this dance for nearly two years.
    Funnily enough I was out with a friend last night and I was telling her about how sometimes I still get confused and she asked me a very simple question. She said ‘if you could be with a guy or be with a woman, which would you choose?’ The answer was easy, it was a woman all day long. She then said ‘well there you go, you know the answer. Stop talking yourself out of it and trust yourself’
    I’m not sure if this reply helps or not but I think you probably know in your gut who you are and how you feel. Also I think of you was straight then you wouldn’t be wishing that you was a lesbian.
     
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  4. Lion4

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    It's mostly self doubt. I worry that I won't fall in love with a woman or that any feelings for women in the future will just be forced. Like I'm 70-80% sure I've had crushes/obsessions with girls in that past (the kind that straight girls do not get) but I worry it won't happen again or it won't happen intensely enough or something. But yeah if I was to answer that question I would 100% say a woman too. I have a lot of the signs of being attracted to women it's seriously just a lot of self doubt that I don't think will go away until I'm in a relationship with a woman.
     
  5. Dotwork

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    @Lion4 i totally get how you’re feeling.
    Honestly I sometimes worry about the same thing too.
    Self doubt can be a b*tch can’t it. It’s amazing how much your brain can talk you out of things.
    But if you’ve experienced those feelings in the past then you’ll experience them again believe me.
    And I’ll happen when you least expect it too, that’s just how it tends to go I think.
    I’m very rarely attracted to anyone, I mean I can spot people who I think are attractive but I’m not necessarily attracted to them if that makes sense. But I do believe that everything happens in its own time and at the right time
    Try not to worry as you shouldn’t stress yourself about something or someone that hasn’t happened yet.
    Have a little faith and you’ll meet someone when the time is right. Promise.
     
  6. Mariana

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    I totally understand that self-doubt! I felt like that when I was questioning too. For me it was always clear that I liked guys, but for a long time I wasn't sure if I liked girls as well. I kept thinking that maybe I didn't like girls enough to call myself bi or that I should have realised it sooner in order for it to count, etc. Here's the thing though: since we live in a heteronormative society, your feelings and attractions towards women get constantly undermined by the expectations of society. You're primed to think you're straight, and confidently saying that you're not can be hard.

    I can also understand that you feel like you need to have sex with a girl to be sure, but honestly, I don't think that's necessary. You can try experimenting with thinking about sex with women and how that makes you feel. If you like the idea, that might be a good indicator. That said, I remember kissing a girl for the first time and liking it and feeling like that definitely confirmed that I liked girls - I was pretty sure before, though.

    While I was questioning I also looked for all these quizzes and articles etc. to tell me what my orientation was, but they only work to a certain extent. In the end, sexual orientation isn't as easily quantifiable as fitting a list of "signs". Questioning can be stressful, and it can take a lot of time, but that's perfectly alright and normal and doesn't mean anything. I understand why it's frustrating, but not knowing is okay. You'll figure it out eventually, I promise!
     
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  7. Love4Ever

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    Great responses so far. But here's my two cents. If you weren't attracted to women why would you be so worried you aren't? I think that right there is your proof. A girl who considered herself straight wouldn't be questioning as much as you are or feeling the intensity of feelings you feel or worrying that their feeling aren't legit. It's also okay to not be sure, heteronormativity can make things harder to see, and personally I like to focus on how much fun it is to go with the flow. It makes life exciting!