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remembering things about a hookup from 2yrs ago, it doesn't seem right

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by nailbug, May 16, 2018.

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  1. nailbug

    nailbug
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    I'm a 19 year old queer trans man. Two years ago, I lived in a different state. Back then I used ###### a lot and lately I've been remembering specifics of a certain hookup I had, and in short, I discussed these details with my boyfriend and he and I agree that it sounds like rape.
    Everything about it weirds me out. It bothers me that this happened two years ago and I haven't been able to process the events until now. I feel so stupid. I thought that I knew how to stay safe back then, I thought I knew when I was in danger, but apparently I really didn't. I guess I've just repressed the details until now. That night I talked to my boyfriend about it, everything just came rushing back and I haven't felt right since then. I just feel absent, like I go through the motions but my mind isn't grounded in reality. I feel spacey, empty, and just overall really depressed.
    Basically what happened during the hookup was, I had a condom with me and told the guy it would be good if we used it, and he kind of ignored me. So no condom or lube was used at all. Needless to say, it hurt a lot. But before that, we were in the two front seats of his car, and I gave him head. That I was nervous about but okay with and sort of enjoyed. Then he put the seats down (as he did this I mentioned the condom) and I got really scared but I went with it anyway. He put it in me and I was trying to take it but I just couldn't, it hurt so bad. I told him to stop because it hurt. He did not stop until he was close to orgasm. Then he got on top of me and (excuse the language, I don't know how else to put it) fucked my face until he came. He drove me back to my car and I went home, noticed I was bleeding. This terrified me. I took a shower, and forgot about it until we met again the week after. I think I just gave him oral, I can't really remember. It's just this interaction I remember everything about (at least now, I forgot about all of that until I told my bf two days ago).
    The more I go over it in my mind, I know that it was rape. I feel so awful. Since me and my bf talked about it, I feel empty and broken and depressed and I just don't know how to heal from this and move on. I wish I had never remembered it, but I guess it's for the best, I would have eventually anyway.
    So, I guess what I'm looking for is some advice. What is the next step I should take? I feel so lost. I don't want this to take control over my life. Thanks for reading, please, any advice or input is greatly appreciated.
     
    #1 nailbug, May 16, 2018
  2. quebec

    quebec
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    comapill.....I don't think I can help you much with how you feel about being raped. The experience was obviously awful for you to have repressed the memory. That is what I can talk about. I also went through something terrible that caused me to repress the memories for over 40 years. When the memories started coming back I went through exactly the same kind of feelings that you have. It was like the thing had just happened and I was angry and hurt, depressed and frustrated and just didn't know how to deal with all the emotions I was feeling. It took time. And it took actually talking about it instead of keeping it inside. When I first remembered the death of my boyfriend and how it happened, I could not talk about it, even allowing myself to think about it sent me down a dark tunnel. The more I thought about it, the worse it got. I learned that I had to talk about it to get it out of me...to be able to see how to handle it. Only when it was in the open could I begin to heal. You say that you've talked to your boyfriend about it....that's really good....but he may not have the experience to help you work through it. I had to talk to a therapist who had an idea of how to help me work through the whole thing. Think seriously about finding a counselor/therapist who can help you with this. This kind of experience can cause you terrible pain and sometimes we just don't know how to work through something this serious. Finding someone who can help is really important. Please consider it.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #2 quebec, May 18, 2018
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