1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Always wanting people I can't have

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by MattF1, May 13, 2018.

  1. MattF1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2013
    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm interested to know if anyone is going through or as been through this and can give me some advice. It seems everyone I get feelings for is straight. Maybe it's because I'm a masculine guy, but it's so hard to ignore wanting someone I can't have - and when I want someone, I REALLY want them badly, like can't stop thinking about them. It hurts to know they'll never feel the same way, and I find myself getting lost in fantasies where it would work out. I have a bad case of pleasebegaydar lol - trying to associate anything someone does to them maybe being gay.

    I have apps but I dunno I really just wish I could meet someone in real life from the start, not chat before meeting. I want that movie-like experience where a couple strangers meet and fall for each other in secret or when friends become something more, not just swiping by someone on an app. It just feels manufactured to me. I don't really know what my aim is by writing this to be honest, I think I just needed to vent these feelings that make me wake up some days feeling like shit. Anyone else wanna vent?
     
    #1 MattF1, May 13, 2018
    Last edited by a moderator: May 13, 2018
    Guywest79 and Robishere like this.
  2. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Messages:
    6,943
    Likes Received:
    2,359
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I answered a thread on this sort of thing some time ago and I'm copying below what I wrote before and adding an extra perspective:

    * When something or someone seems hard to get (like an attractive straight guy), you become more aware of it and it makes you want it even more. I read somewhere that it's like being on a restricted diet; when you know something is 'forbidden' on the diet, like chocolate or cake you become even more aware of it and you end up craving it. Suddenly you have a voracious appetite for chocolate/cake. If you were not on the diet and these things were within reach, you'd probably not show any interest... but now you really, really want it.

    *You don't like to feel, or be told that you can't have something, do something or that something is beyond your reach, so you react against it. It's a response to that. It's almost like you're saying "just you watch me do it" or "I'm going to do it anyway".

    It's human nature really. When something seems out of reach, you want it even more. Does that make any sense?

    Another thing to consider is, seduction. Many people find themselves more enthralled in pursuing someone when they have to work hard in order to win them over. It is more difficult to make someone interested in you, who wasn't before or wouldn't normally be. Most people feel more attractive and empowered when they are able to do that.

    Of course, it's far better to go for what you need and what's achievable, rather than what you want, but we humans are not hard-wired that way. Maybe you (all of us) need to be more attuned to needs and achievable outcomes, rather than wants and impossible desires - and aim for those instead?
     
    18breanna likes this.
  3. DRobs

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 4, 2018
    Messages:
    145
    Likes Received:
    37
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Any gay bars / clubs in your area? How about Gay meetup groups?
    Good way to meet other gay people. Maybe make some friends or find someone worth your affection.
     
    18breanna likes this.
  4. MattF1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2013
    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Really interesting and thought-provoking stuff here. Thanks! I do try and aim for gay people but it seems I'm always landing in that same spot over and over. But you're right, I need to focus up and look at what I can get.


    I don't really want to go to gay bars, I dunno it feels like a situation where everyone just wants a quickie and I think the majority of people there would be feminine and that's not my type. I'm not sure about the meetup groups either. I think for now I'll stick to online dating and see how that goes for me.
     
  5. DRobs

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 4, 2018
    Messages:
    145
    Likes Received:
    37
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Good luck.
     
    MattF1 likes this.
  6. Robishere

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2016
    Messages:
    102
    Likes Received:
    52
    Location:
    U.S.A.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I used to feel exactly like you a while back. Always falling for straight boys and not being able to do anything about it. My last experience was especially painful. I really thought I'd never find a guy because I always found myself falling down that same rabbit hole with straight guys. I found that allowing myself to admire their appearance but nothing more has worked for me. You're always going to be attracted to straight guys, it's in your nature. After all, they're male and you're gay.

    When you least expect it that one guy will pop up that will be exactly what you're looking for and gay. Until then, don't bring yourself down for not being able to find someone.
     
    Guywest79, MattF1 and DRobs like this.
  7. MattF1

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2013
    Messages:
    45
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks! That really helps :slight_smile:
     
  8. RainbowGreen

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 11, 2013
    Messages:
    1,442
    Likes Received:
    44
    Location:
    Québec
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I have the same problem.

    I'm mostly attracted to straight guys because they're the majority and frankly, it can be hard to know if someone is gay. I'm not one to flaunt it either. Then, you add being trans on top of that, and you've got a recipe for unrequited love!

    I'm the same with apps and bars. I avoid them. I'm the kind of guy who wants to develop a friendship before the relationship, so having the other person expecting to date (or sleep with) me is off putting.

    Honestly, I think if people give you advice, I'll read it too xD
     
  9. Guywest79

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2018
    Messages:
    70
    Likes Received:
    12
    Location:
    British Columbia Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I get your comment re meet irl....as we speak I've seen like 8 or 9 hot guys today...man I wish one would approach me...tired of guessing lol
     
    MattF1 likes this.