I have Problems

Thanks so much for your continued support! I will really try my best!

 

Ok, I just wanted to make a synopsis of this entire thread: I have no control over my sexual oscillations. With boys it's a natural attraction and it's not scary and it feels right and it is constant no matter where I am or who I'm talking about, but sometimes I hear or see or think about something and a trigger goes off in my head and I go for another round in the Court of Internal Conflict. With girls, friendship is love and it's wild and untamed because we don't guard our hearts from each other, not like with boys (Quote from somewhere). But when I think it's attraction, it's terrible and dark and I want it to stop and I just want to go back to my normal life, but I don't know how to and I'm afraid it's impossible. I'm either going to calm down and tell myself that I'm in control, or I'm going to talk to someone because I need serious help. If I find a girl sexually attractive, I'm going to think to myself: 'Do you really like her? Do you want to be her or do you want her?' Why do I have these intrusive thoughts? 'It's okay. Everyone is predisposed to be curious. Calm down and take a deep breath and think about whatever makes you happy.' What if I'm just trying to convince myself and end up living a lie? 'Do you want to experiment? Do you crave the company of other girls? Does the world light up when one comes around and sink into shadows when they leave? No, no, and no. That only happens with boys. When I see a boy-crazy girl, I hate her. I think: 'Why can't I be like you? Why do I have all these intrusive thoughts that make me want to crawl in a hole and sleep forever? Why don't you suffer like me? Why am I having these terrible, vengeful thoughts? I probably deserve it.' Love is a strange, convoluted, and fluid thing. It is not a monogamous phenomenon and it bursts and then dims and then flares again at all the wrong moments. You have to take it as it comes. Life gets better. And no, the storm clouds are not going to automatically lift and unleash sunshine upon the swamped earth. You have to thaw and freeze and thaw and freeze again and again. Talk to people. Relax. I may or may not just be comforting myself, but it doesn't matter. All these wonderful people have reached out to you and offered you their support. Get better for their sake.
Love, the person you'll probably never be, but try to be anyway.
Nobody is obligated to read this. I'm not fine and I probably won't be for a long time, but that doesn't mean I won't try, and you guys have just made it seem a lot brighter for me. Thanks for all of your support.

 

Hi guys,
So lately I've been thinking. Is 'noticing' other womens' physical proportions (but not being sexually attracted to them) representative of one's underlying 'urges'? I know this may be an uncomfortable and improper question, so I'm deeply sorry if it perturbs some of you . Right now, I identify as confused heterosexual, because I definitely do like men in that way but whenever people over-romanticise heterosexuality and then stare blankly at you when you broach other sexualities, it drives me off the wall. Open your eyes! Not everyone is as narrow-minded as you! I know that most straight people nowadays are open to other sexualities and are well aware of them, and some straight people may even have a select few same-sex encounters, but I've been having some sort of hormonal influx that tends to make me disproportionately infuriated with 'wrong' or 'ignorant' people, regardless of subject. Alternatively, it may be because I'm not an easily flustered or romantic person, or because my mind has been on the topic quite often nowadays. My feelings for men are still strong and existent, and I am highly dubious that any of my feelings for them before were forced or discomfiting to me personally (I just didn't like to discuss them because they made me feel flustered and like everybody could use my feelings against me, lol). I've never had a crush on a girl. Still haven't. There's a pretty girl I've been friends with for several years in my P.E. class. She's quite affectionate, but when she hugs me or leans her head on my shoulder, I don't feel a thing, but, you know, I'm still afraid of the concept. (She has a boyfriend, too, and IMO she's a bit young, but hey, more shipping for me ;p). I tend to avoid public showers or locker rooms out of this fear, but locker rooms are okay. I'm pretty indifferent, but I don't stare out of fundamental decency. However, when I don't involuntarily smile or feel as hot as usual around a guy, I become unreasonably paranoid, and that's becoming an issue.
My sincerest apologies for this massive post. I just wanted to get some opinions on whatever can be gathered from this. Tysm in advance!!

 

I also get super touchy whenever anyone gets all up in my personal space. Never had this happen with a guy. But today my sister licked my face purely by accident (Gross.TMI?) and I shoved her into the open closet behind her and told her to repent in the name of all that is holy. Also, whenever someone stares and smiles at me for a socially unacceptable amount of time, I stare back and smile ever wider and terribly in the hopes that they'll get the hint and look away first. I think I'm just an extremely awkward person. What's your verdict?
Edit: I'm sorry for bothering all of you and wasting your valuable time. I haven't slept well in ages .