Being Closeted is Ruining My Life, Causing Depression

Hey all.

Just writing these words here is pretty tough.

I'm a 20 year old woman, gay as a handbag full of rainbows, but in the deepest denial imaginable.

- I have no experience with women whatsoever, due to shyness and internalised homophobia.
- However I've known I'm gay since I was 4 or 5 years old.
- My family is EXTREMELY homophobic. This is a huge factor in my depression.

Well, it's come to a turning point now. I can't ignore my homosexuality anymore.

I've got to be free. I've got to allow myself to live an authentic life. And hopefully to love a woman truly.

BUT, as I listed above, my family - mother, father, grandmother, mostly - are extremely homophobic. My grandmother is a right out racist, sexist, and homophobe. Sexist in the sense that she turns the other cheek to feminism, racist in that she despises any other race than hers... which just so happens to be caucasian. Despite their very traditional, fundamentalist, conservative values - with which I heartily disagree - I love my family very much and I need them for support in my life.

Ironically, I need my family's support mainly because of how vulnerable I've been feeling the past few months, due to my struggles with being in the closet... and my family certainly is not helping with that, unknowingly fuelling my struggles with their homophobia. In a way, I'd be much better off going somewhere without them, moving away altogether, but I really would struggle on my own.

I've lived abroad and on my own before, and it just wasn't right for me. So, as I said, I really value having my family around, and yet they are contributing to my "closet depression" every single day. And how so?

- They've made dehumanising homophobic remarks since I was a tiny little kid, as well as racist and sexist remarks of course
- My grandmother CONSTANTLY belittles a relative of ours who just so happens to be a lesbian. My grandma hates her guts and freely uses words such as "disgusting", "worrying", "alien behaviour", and such to describe this woman. Obviously they are not on good terms at all. She was pretty much disowned when she came out.

- My mother is also a huge homophobe, especially towards LGBT women. Also a huge transphobe. A colleague of hers is Male-to-Female transgender. When my mother heard of it for the first time, she used similar words to my grandmother: "it's just so wrong", "it's so stupid", "it's so pointless", "these people have SERIOUS problems", "it's honestly disgusting". Regarding lesbians I vividly remember her saying once "it's so wrong to see two women together. Disgusting. I can't even take it seriously."

- My dad is pretty much the same, plus he's very temperamental and impatient, so I imagine he would not even give me the time of day to explain myself, if ever I did approach the topic of my homosexuality.

But I am not planning on coming out anytime soon to them, if ever.

And yet I really really really need to be true to myself, because my whole life is starting to get affected by my being in the closet. I genuinely feel like I have something I like to call "closet depression" - i.e. clinical depression, at least mild, caused by being closeted. I never suffered depression before, though I was close at times, and I'm pretty sure that being in the closet has tipped me over the edge to serious depression.

My "closet depression" symptoms include: insomnia, fatigue, lack of interest in activities I used to enjoy, hyperawareness, sadness, headaches.


So, I feel like I am stuck in this huge dilemma between

A) maintaining a positive relationship with my family, but hiding my true identity and taking crap for it due to their extreme homophobia,

or

B) moving away and starting an independent gay-friendly lifestyle somewhere, but missing my family and possibly dealing with a lot of adjustment issues, through which my family would not support me

As I said before, I've moved abroad on my own before and, even though I liked it, I really struggled with being alone and living alone. I hadn't come to terms with my homosexuality so I didn't relish the chance to live a gay lifestyle back then. But now I am back in my city and it would be impossible for me to live a gay lifestyle. It's a very neat and compact city where it feels like everyone knows everyone, and I would definitely get "caught" sooner or later.

I cherish living here, being close to my family; I never feel lonely or vulnerable in this big world. But, simultaneously, they make me feel like crap for being who I am, even when they have no idea that I am gay. It's just that their 20 years of spewing racism and homophobia has taken a toll on me, to the point where I have felt suicidal. Not because of their homophobia, but because of the notion that if I were to live an authentic lifestyle, they might reject me. And then I'd have lost such a valuable part of my life, because they really are good people who love and support me... surely, not through everything, but through a lot of things.

Of course I sometimes wonder if they can't accept me for who I am, then why should I bother with them?

But the love I have for my mother and grandmother runs so deep that I can't imagine life without them, really... codependency, perhaps..


Anyone in the same situation?


Anyone got a nice word or two?


Have a great day, everyone, and keep spreading the love, showing the world that this lifestyle is OKAY. It's so important because it really lessens the amount of hatred that people have to suffer. You are all great. <3

 

Wow, you are lovely, thank you so much for the advice. It's a really good idea to make a list of potential places that I could move to. Thanks for that pointer! I will definitely get to it asap. And yeah, I guess the LGBTQ community probably makes for a more supportive family than my own, at this stage in my life. It will take a lot of courage to move somewhere on my own but I am pretty sure that's my only option. As you say, the poison would eventually get to me. So I will try to be brave and find a new place. Thanks again for your advice and best wishes to you in everything!

 

This is really helpful, thanks! I like how you presented it in manageable chunks... it definitely seems easier this way. Thankfully my depression is only caused by being closeted, so I think it will subside gradually as I start to plan my life away from my family. And, as you said, I will then join LGBT groups and try to live an authentic life. It will take courage - I've been so scared of involving myself in LGBT stuff thus far, for fear of being outed - but knowing that it will eventually lead to a true and authentic life is enough encouragement A virtual hug to you too, have a great day!

 

I like your advice! Strangely enough I had never considered contacting my relative, so thank you for coming up with that idea I guess I never considered it, because I've been so brainwashed by my family into thinking that she's a persona non grata... but, thinking about it, she is happily married to another woman and they have a little boy together. They might help me out and it would be nice to establish a bond. I will definitely look into confiding in them. Thank you again and best wishes to you

 

Oh yeah. Do you have a plan for a better life?