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Too soon to define what we are?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by lovetoomuch, May 10, 2018.

  1. lovetoomuch

    Full Member

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    Hi there,

    I have been talking to a guy (lets say his name is John) for about a month now and I'm very into him. While I'm 22, this is probably the first time I have been talking to someone for this period of time and I'm still really into him. Between a combination of probably being too picky and just not being interested in guys into me (also I am typically into guys who don't like me back), I have never been in a relationship or even close to it. The longest I talked to a guy was about a month and a half.

    John and I have been talking and meeting up for a month, as I said. We don't live too close too each other and have extremely busy schedules, but we have met up about 6-7 times by now. I have enjoyed every date and really do like him. My one problem is I cannot really tell what he wants and I seem to be the one always bringing up this conversation.

    I have had to bring up conversations about what he is looking for and such. I have made it very clear I'm looking for a relationship at this point. He moved from the Midwest to NYC and said he wasn't set on finding a relationship but if it happened, he would welcome it. I also had to bring up a conversation about sex preferences just the other day. Sex isn't important to me, but I am asking all these questions because I want and see the possibility of having something really good with him. However, I feel like I am initiating everything.

    He will send me cute texts and he joked about his friends calling me his "hunnie," but he doesn't seem to want to define whatever this is right now. This is what is hard for me. Am I expected to talk to other people still? Does he see us as exclusive (I have basically been treating it like we are)?

    I"m scared of getting hurt because again, for really the first time, I am very into the guy I'm dating. I want to be in a relationship with him, but I don't know if he sees this as casual dating. I think I could accept that for now because it is early on, but I at least want to know. I'm afraid of pushing him away if I come on too strong, but again, I don't know what he sees us as, so I'm lost.

    If it was up to me... we would be exclusive right now.

    Do you think I'm trying to define it too soon? But if so, I'm just allowed to date other people then? Again, I fear getting hurt at this rate by seeing this as something more serious than he does.
     
    #1 lovetoomuch, May 10, 2018
    Last edited: May 10, 2018
  2. Gravity

    Full Member

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    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I don't think it's unreasonable to want to get to the point of knowing, after a month, whether the relationship is a relationship, whether it's exclusive, etc. Now, that said, everyone is different, and people approach the idea of being exclusive and/or committed with varying degrees of comfort.

    From what you've described in this post, it sounds like the idea has at least crossed his mind, and he hasn't been turned off by it. But, like you say, it doesn't sound like he's pushing the subject either. My suspicion (though of course you know him better, and I don't want to try to analyse someone in depth or at second hand) is that he is simply hesitant about the label. Could be a variety of reasons - maybe past experiences dating, maybe experiences he has been around (family life, close friends' relationships, etc.). Sometimes gay men simply have a lot of shame built up around intimacy - not only because men are typically taught/socialized not to express things like that, but because they're also taught/socialized especially not to express things like that about other men.

    I would try speaking with him about his own history with relationships. Not necessarily details of his past relationships, if any, but what has happened in his life and how he feels about it - provided he's willing to talk about all that. If there's something there that's affecting his perception of the situation, maybe knowing more about it will give you a better idea where he stands.
     
  3. Biguyjosh

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Since he hasn't really said anything I think it would be ok to ask him his thoughts on you two. Idk if its his first relationship so he might be shy.