Am I bisexual, or just a deeply shameful lesbian in severe denial?

Wow, that question was a mouthful.

Background: I'm a lady who's done a really great job with suppressing her true self around her family for nearly three decades now. I've only dated, had sex, and two years ago went as far as to marry, only with men. I recently separated from my husband because he's been very abusive and dangerous to be around, and I won't be surprised if we end up divorced soon. He never really liked me all that much, anyway. But that's a whole other tale that I won't get into right now.

During my abusive marriage, I met another woman. This was done online. We were only platonic, as she is a heterosexual woman. She seemed wishy-washy and very flirtatious with me despite her stressing the point that she only likes men. We had a deep friendship, but that faded away when she started dating around and decided to blank me. I was very hurt because I told her about my troublesome marriage and she was there for me. I thought we were good friends. It later became apparent to myself that I've fallen madly in love with her. Fast forward to around a year later after that realization, and I fled from my husband with the help of other friends and their support. I'm safe with my family now.

I've always told myself and to non-family members that I am bisexual. It just had to be true. I was only ever really involved with the opposite sex, though I have felt very strong romantic and sexual feelings for the same sex. I have, or think I have, fallen in love with men too.. But I'm not so sure if those feelings were ever really real, you know? I think they happened because I was pushing very hard to appear as normal as possible and the suppression has dug its way so deeply inside that my mind played tricks on me. But I don't know, I could very well be bi and that's okay too.

The experience I had with the straight woman friend really made me question a lot of things. Really deep, dark personal questions that I tried so hard to ignore before. She knows of my bisexuality, and kinda almost fetishsized it, if that makes sense. She has a boyfriend now and is supposedly happy. She never really seems that truly happen with any man she meets, honestly. There's always something wrong with them. Anyway. A mutual friend pretty much gave it to me straight that she's just not interested in having "intimacy" with me, and well, I respected that and was finally able to move on.

But.. she's back again, trying to get back into my life. I told a lot of people that I have left my husband and about the abuse. She was there and always sent me very supportive messages, gave me plenty of advise, and then almost started to seem desperate and was thanking me for being such a great friend to her back then when she was a hot mess over some other issue she was having. I was cordial but kept my distance. I think she felt it because she's now pulled back again.

I don't love her anymore, I think, but now it's making me wonder who I really am. Every time I kiss or have sex with a man, I have to think of a woman inside my head or else I can't get into it. I'm only ever really attracted towards feminine appearing or androgynous looking men.. like guys with longer hair or a soft demeanor. It doesn't disgust me doing things with men but I could very happily go the rest of my life not doing it anymore with them at the same time. I always freeze up and feel angry or scared whenever a man tries to flirt or pick me up. Any pornographic materials I try to get into, proves difficult unless I focus on the woman and what she's feeling. But again, I'm still not sure how I feel about men and if its genuine or if its because I thought I liked them when it's just not the case.

I don't want to go too long with this, but essentially, if there are any lesbians reading, how did you know you were actually gay and not just bisexual?