I am homophobic

Gayhusband.....I'm 67. I was out at 17, but due to a terrible tragedy, I shut myself so tightly in the closet that I managed to repress the memories of being out until about 9 months ago. It was always in my subconscious and I always found myself looking at guys....I told myself for years that I liked the way they dressed. At about 45 I began to understand it was more than that. So I did the same as you, I hid it and I also hid it from myself as much as I could. Yes...the depression became worse and worse until it almost took my life three years ago. At the moment of crisis I came out here on empty closest. For a year after that I told no one else outside of EC. I held on...just barely, then I finally broke down and went to a counselor/therapist. That was when my life really started to change. I really can't tell you all the things he has helped me through. He was especially important when all the memories of when I was 17-22 came back. My best friend, my lover, the man who I would have married if it had been possible then died. His parents found out about us before he passed and I never got to say good by or go to his funeral. Without Jacob (therapist) I don't know how I could have handled those memories and the flash-backs. About the only way we can handle some things in our life is to seek outside help. Please try to find an LGBTQ qualified counselor/therapist, or perhaps one who is gay - Jacob is gay. They will understand what you feel and can guide you to a place of acceptance. I never felt like I fit anywhere, that I "belonged" anywhere. Now I can say out loud "I am gay" and I smile and know that I have a huge LGBTQ family all around the world. I know that when I meet one of my brothers or sisters that we can hug and have an immediate connection, something I haven't had since I was 22.

Please stay with us here on empty closets. Keep us updated on how you're doing. We do care and do want to help.
.....David

 

Hi, and welcome. I can imagine how difficult this must be for you. I think one of the first pieces of this is understanding yourself and how you are processing it. As we process any loss (in this case, loss of perception as straight), there are stages we go through: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. They aren't always sequential, and sometimes (as in your case) people can stay stuck in one or more stages for decades.

What it sounds like to me is that you are having difficulty genuinely accepting that you are gay, and that it is tied up in your worrying about judgment from other people. This is why you don't want to tell others. That, in turn, is rooted in your own shame... which also drives the homophobia toward others, as you're projecting a fear about yourself onto other people.

So the first step, if I were you, would be to work through the shame. Brené Brown is a researcher who has been studying shame and authenticity and emotional vulnerability for almost 20 years, and the way she communicates about it makes it accessible and understandable in a way that other researchers before her have not been able to do. I'd suggest checking out her three TED talks on Youtube (The Power of Vulnerability, The Price of Invulnerability, Listening to Shame) and see if that material resonates for you. If it does, that may hold the key to helping you work through this.

Going to therapy is also something I'd highly recommend. It will be a lot easier to discuss and work through these issues with professional help than trying to do it all yourself.

And sticking around EC and discussing your issues will be a huge help as well.

 

There's no reason to be sorry for feeling negative about what you're going through. I think that all of us who go through the process of coming out experience exactly the same feeling. It is part of the anger phase, and it's entirely understandable. I think if you read through the Later in Life forum, you'll see a lot of stories very similar to yours. I think it's the exception when people don't have a lot of upheaval where families and marriages are involved.

The good news is, nearly everyone who goes through this eventually comes out the other side a lot happier, and most are able to maintain reasonable relationships with their ex-spouses and family (though there are occasional exceptions, and it does often take time.)

I think the more you simply vent and voice the anger and frustration, and talk about whatever else is going on, the more quickly you'll be able to move through this.