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Bisexual, but reluctant to date women because I'm a bottom?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by usatanhani87, May 8, 2018.

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  1. usatanhani87

    usatanhani87
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    I hope this post isn't too TMI, and sorry for the wall of text.

    I've always identified as bisexual, as far back as I can remember. When I was younger I thought I was primarily straight, but now I wonder if that was cultural influence, because after having a few experiences I've come to appreciate men more, and learned that I can be just as sexually and emotionally attracted to men as to women.

    Now I'm starting to become biased towards men. For one it's much easier to meet men, especially online. It feels a lot more equal, hetero-normative gender roles become irreverent. I'm also finding out that I'm more attracted to men's bodies and facial features. I don't know if this is something that changed or if I just didn't realize it before. I also think I'm more attracted to masculinity than femininity (that's a complicated subject though, maybe I'm just more attracted to dominance and I'm conflating masculinity with dominance, I don't know). It could just be a shift on the bi-cycle but this bias toward men and masculinity has lasted a while.

    Here's the clincher though, while I have very limited sexual experience due to chronic shyness, the best sex I've had has been while bottoming. I've had one PIV experience with a woman and for whatever reason I didn't enjoy it. I also had to get really drunk before I could go through with it, not sure what that says about me. I've had a few more experiences with men, mostly giving oral which I really enjoyed (receiving not so much). First time I bottomed was with an older guy and I couldn't believe how good it felt. I tried topping a guy once and as patient as he was I just couldn't make it happen even though I wanted to, but when he was on top it was amazing, physically and psychologically.

    Last year I met an amazing guy, and while it didn't work out for a number of reasons when he told me he did not like any kind of penetrative sex that was the beginning of the end. I still continued to see him because I liked everything else about him, but it was always at the back of my mind, and it made me feel really guilty that I just couldn't let it go. I'm still not really over him, but we remained friends.

    Even before I was sexually active I mostly thought about bottoming, even when It thought I was mostly straight (I would mainly watch pegging porn) and was trying to figure out how I could meet a dominant woman. I've mostly moved away from that obsession, I'm a lot more open minded and can still be attracted to all sorts of people whatever their sex or gender expression. Humans are complicated I acknowledge that and I'm starting to appreciate that fact more. I still consider myself somewhat versatile, the idea of topping sounds exciting sometimes even if I've never successfully tried it (who knows maybe I'll like it better than I think) and I'm still willing to do it. But I'm at the point now where I'm not interested in anything long-term if it means bottoming is off the table. I'm just not willing to give up that sexual activity.

    For this reason I'm now reluctant to date women at all, I feel like why bother? With guys I can be upfront about this, I'm still new to dating men so I don't know exactly when it's tactful to bring it up but the "top or bottom" question does come up eventually. But with women they are going to expect a certain role in the bedroom, they are going to expect PIV sex. I suppose I could meet a kink friendly woman who's into pegging and that sounds exciting, but for me it's not so much a kink but the way I prefer to have sex, and it's not like she's going to feel it, she would be doing it for me, it needs to be something the other person wants and enjoys. I need to be with someone who needs to top me. I wouldn't even know how or when to bring that up, and if it's really a deal breaker for me why go through all that and string a poor girl along? It just seems unfair to the other person.

    Is it weird for this to be a deal-breaker? Can I even call myself bisexual at this point? Am I just gay and jumping through hoops to hold on to a label? A friend of mine who I've always known as gay told me he's attracted to women and has even enjoyed having sex with women (more than I can say) and yet he still identifies as gay because he prefers men and is more interested in dating men. That really made me question whether I should continue to call myself or think of myself as bi. Still I feel really shallow and kind of a pervert for it all coming down to wanting to receive anal sex, like that shouldn't matter if I really like a person.
     
    #1 usatanhani87, May 8, 2018
  2. Biguyjosh

    Biguyjosh
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    I think of myself as bi b/c I'm physically, emotionally, and sexually attracted to both. I think its self identified, but if you aren't sexually attracted to women and can't engage in sex with them then perhaps you're gay. You could be bi but way more towards the guy side than women. I know guys who like to be pegged and use dildos, but its not exclusive and they do PIV sex and identify as bi. I honestly don't know if one is really bi if the only way they can be with women is to be pegged.
     
    #2 Biguyjosh, May 8, 2018
  3. Mariana

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    I believe that labels should be picked by each person individually, and they don't have strict definitions. So "bi" or "gay" can mean slightly different things to different people. I think it's perfectly fine for your friend to identify as gay even if he has enjoyed sex with women, and it's also totally okay for you to identify as bi even if you prefer men or have a strong preference for certains sexual activities. It all comes down to what you're comfortable with and what makes you feel empowered. If you're comfortable calling yourself bi then that's your label, but if you'd rather label yourself gay, I think that's fine too. As I said, labels can mean different things to different people and I think it depends on what you feel is important in your sexuality that makes one label fit better than another.

    I think this whole thing of wanting to date one gender rather than another can be really confusing for a lot of bi and pan people, whatever the reason for that preference might be - you can still call yourself bi though. I'm bi/pan and for the past year or so I have had next to no interest in dating guys, even though I still get attracted to them and I know I can have romantic feelings for guys.

    If your partner not wanting to give you anal sex is a dealbreaker for you then that's just how it is, and I think you can communicate that to people you date in a respectful way. What I mean by that is that you can say it in a way that makes them realise that you don't judge them or anything if they're not willing to do that. It's just a question of sexual compatibility. I think you could definitely find a girlfriend who'd enjoy pegging, but I also understand that the conversation might be easier to have with men.
     
    #3 Mariana, May 9, 2018
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  4. Chip

    Chip
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    What you're describing is common to a lot of people who are just coming to terms with their same-sex attraction. As we process any loss (in this case, the loss of perception that we're straight,) we go through 5 stages: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. During the 'bargaining' phase, we accept that we are attracted to the same sex, but we still hold onto the idea we might retain our earlier identity, and that we could still end up in a "normal" relationship with a woman. This is why there's so much stigma about bisexuality: a lot of people use the 'bisexual' label during the bargaining phase, as a bridge toward accepting they are gay. This doesn't mean people aren't genuinely bisexual, only that many who choose that label initially eventually figure out it doesn't really apply to them.

    In your case, from what you describe, I'd infer that you are probably closer to the gay end of the spectrum than the bisexual end. It doesn't sound like you have any great attraction or desire for women, and that what attraction you do have may be more societally-influenced, as you suggested. Of course, this is what I take from what you wrote; you're the only one who can know for sure.
     
    #4 Chip, May 9, 2018
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  5. usatanhani87

    usatanhani87
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    Thanks Chip, you gave me something to think about.

    Alright, maybe I should stop worrying about how to label myself then, it's like an obsession. Whatever my orientation is, right now I just happen to have little to no interest in dating women. I don't know why I feel the need to justify it, but I'm just going to try and let it be. I do feel some relief when I let go of the idea that I need to have a girlfriend, that feeling has existed for a very long time, and the idea that it's okay to want a boyfriend is new, I'm kind of in uncharted territory with this and I'm not sure how to feel or think or act.
     
    #5 usatanhani87, May 10, 2018
  6. Mariana

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    I totally get the obsession to label yourself, I think a lot of people feel that way. Labels seem to give us some sense of security because then we know what we want and how to act and all that stuff, but they can also be restricting, and that makes them a lot less fun.
    It can be a bit overwhelming to realise that you might want a partner of a gender other than you previously thought, but as you said, it can be a relief to realise that you don't have to be with one specific gender. Since you said this is new territory for you, just allow your mind to wander and give yourself the time you need to figure this out :slight_smile:
     
    #6 Mariana, May 10, 2018
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