1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Anyone else feel like they just can't seem to meet anyone?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Ryan5154, Apr 4, 2018.

  1. Ryan5154

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2016
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    London, England
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Good evening

    So, before you all tell me that I am young, have plenty of time, hear my story please.

    I am a 22 year old gay male, from England. I came out when I was 18. I have been dating for four years. I have been pretty open about my sexuality since I was 18.

    I am coming to the end of my time at University. University was the time I thought most people manage to meet a partner. I am coming to the end of my 4 years, and this also includes living abroad in Europe for a year.

    It sounds sad, negative, and self degrading, but maybe I was just never meant to meet anyone. They say someone is out there for everyone, but I can't help but question the validity of this statement.

    I get told constantly, that I am good looking, cute, attractive, by girls and guys. I accept I am also not a supermodel either, but point aside, I don't think my looks are really that relevant.

    I have been on endless dates. It never goes anywhere. Either they are not interested, or it doesn't go anywhere. Or they are hung up on their ex. Recently, I seem to be attracting a LOT of guys who are not over their ex's, still in love with them. Infact, it has been the case with every guy I met the past year. They might be interested for a short lived time, but realise they are in love with their ex, and then go back to them. Or a guy will be very persistent with me for sex, and when I finally give in, I get the cold shoulder.

    I understand a few rejections every now and then is an inevitable part of the dating world but when you simply cannot seem to get past a few dates with a guy, and a guy never feels any sort of connection to you, or develops any feelings, you begin to wonder, what is wrong with me. Clearly something is missing. I just know that I will turn 23, then 25 with the same issues that I have before. I feel that I am always going to attract guys who only want me for sex, or not over their ex's. These guys who want me for sex however, will often then 6 months down the line commit to someone else.

    And before you all throw the line 'stop looking, it will find you'. That is what I have been doing, but to no avail.

    I just don't see myself ever finding a solution if its been a problem as long as it has. Maybe I just wasn't meant to find anyone, is the sad, but unfortunate reality of myself.

    Does anyone else feel like this?
     
  2. 21zephyr

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2018
    Messages:
    216
    Likes Received:
    135
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I really wanted to say- “You’re young, you’ll find someone!” However, I know that will make you want to punch me in the throat.

    I’m 52 and just out.... no dates, I don’t even know a gay person!!! I’m really feeling really defeated, too. However as lame as it sounds, you can’t give up- you’ll find someone. Why do I say that? If we lose hope we lose the drive to keep looking.

    Honestly, you sound like you would be at the top of the dating pool!!! Sometimes people have bad luck, but just remember it only takes that one person to change your life forever. Please don’t give up hope, because there is someone out there for you. Besides, if you can’t find someone, then I’m totally screwed because I’m sure I’m towards the bottom of the dating pool.

    It’s frustrating to find a mate, too damn many of us in the closet!!! Don’t give up hope, you can do this!!! Keep us posted!
     
  3. Gleek99

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2015
    Messages:
    138
    Likes Received:
    41
    Location:
    Montana USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I feel you man, it sucks

    I had 1 straight relationship 4 and a half years ago and 2 dead end ###### dates.

    I'm just keeping an open mind and trying to focus on my crazy life atm
     
  4. Limiteded

    Limiteded Guest

    I have found you just have to put yourself out there. Put some feeler ads on some dating sites. Also if you have any bi female friends they are great support and you possibly network through them.
     
  5. smurf

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2015
    Messages:
    1,645
    Likes Received:
    638
    Location:
    Florida
    This is starting to look like a pattern so I would look into this a bit more.

    Attraction is not created in a vaccum. People don't just randomly get attracted to other people by luck. Many times, people will attract a very specific type of guy because of some bad habits that they are displaying with other people. Trust me, is not just lack of luck that you keep attracting emotionally unavailable guys.

    Figuring out what the bad habits are is way trickier and it takes getting outside feedback from people that know you well and are okay with telling you the truth. A therapist will also be a helpful tool in figuring out how you handle relationships and dating.

    A good place to start with is analyzing how your last relationships went. At what point did you figure out that they had feelings for their ex? Are their signs that you missed? Were you too forgiving with certain things? What are the things that they all did that could teach you how to avoid the next guy?

    Think about the word connection for a bit and it might help.

    How do you know you have connected with someone? What do you do to get there? From the sentence it seems like you connect with other guys, but the guys aren't connecting back. It might also mean that you might be connecting too quickly with people, which can happen for multiple reasons.

    But again, this is me guessing. You would have to put some time into looking inward to see if anything resonates.
     
  6. Ryan5154

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2016
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    London, England
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hello Smurf

    Thank you for your response. It was honest and helpful.

    In answer to your questions- I realised they still had feelings for their ex's when they go back to them, or they tell me they aren't ready for a relationship because of something that happened with their ex. Or I just feel they don't feel the level of chemistry towards me that they feel to their ex's. In terms of signs, I guess it's quite obvious in retrospect. They tend to go cold after sleeping with me, or they tend to talk to me more in a sexual manner rather than seeming to want to get to know me.

    In terms of the word 'connection'. My personal definition of feeling a connection is, wanting to see them again, I think about them, I feel sexually attracted to them, it feels nice being intimate with them and feel comfortable around them on top of all of this. In some cases I guess I did not necessarily feel a connection to the guy either. I don't want you to get the impression that I tend to fall in love with all these guys and they reject me, it is not quite like that. But overall it does seem whenever I feel like I have established a connection with a guy, it is unfortunately not reciprocated. I think you could be right that maybe I connect too quickly with these guys, but I am sure it is not the only reason.

    Thank you
    :slight_smile:
     
    Guywest79 likes this.
  7. smurf

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2015
    Messages:
    1,645
    Likes Received:
    638
    Location:
    Florida
    This is a good start. Perhaps you can start changing your parameters on only sleeping with people who you have a connection with. I'm not saying that you must be in love with them or wait a specific amount of time/dates/ or any other made up metric, but if you feel like they aren't asking questions to try and get to know you then maybe don't sleep with them until you feel that. Of course its up to you to determine when the right moment is, but this will also help you control the feeling that you are being used and tossed out.

    Do you have other LGBT friends who you feel this level of connection with?

    Something that has happened to me in the past is that I was lacking feeling connected to friends, so when a guy would come in and sparks flow, I would crave that connection and I would put all my needs on this one person.

    Its much easier to find connection to friends and family first, then when a guy comes connection becomes the bare minimum that you expect and it allows you to be able to see the connection between you and this new guy from a place of love and not from a place of craving any connection.
     
    Guywest79 likes this.
  8. Devil Dave

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2015
    Messages:
    1,077
    Likes Received:
    305
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    This has been the killer for me. What good does it do, to have people telling us "you're so good looking/you're such a nice guy/you deserve to have a boyfriend" if we're only hearing it from people we are not interested in? It's never the gorgeous single men who tell us these things and want to make us happy. It's either the women who would shag us in a heartbeat if we were straight, or the unattractive gay men, or the gay men who are quite attractive but are are already in relationships, or the hot gay men who live in a town thousands of miles away. It's never the sweet and sane guy-next-door type (who is usually straight).

    It does seem like there are a lot of forces working against us when we only receive compliments from people we can't reciprocate for, and have friends making us feel guilty for staying single, and pressuring us to find someone immediately, and we see people around us effortlessly meeting the love of their life and developing a successful relationship where they buy a house together, get married and have kids, all the while we've been single. We are constantly surrounded by disheartening reminders that we suck at romance.

    So, my way of coping is to stop paying attention to these external influences. If somebody tells me I need a partner, I ignore them, or correct them. No, I don't need a partner. I don't need some guy to come along and make me happy. I know what I like and dislike, I'm capable of making myself happy. Having a partner is optional, not essential.

    And if you're looking to meet someone through dating where it doesn't lead straight to sex on the first meeting, that's great. Don't let yourself get discouraged if it doesn't lead to a relationship. I don't think a date should be seen as a means to an end. It doesn't have to be about finding the love of your life. A date is nice because it's nice to simply meet someone. To put a portion of your day aside and make plans with someone else who you don't have any history with. a fresh experience with a fresh face. Even if they aren't the type of people you want to spend any more time with, don't see it as having lots of failed dates, see it as something you enjoy doing - meeting new people. Socializing with someone from outside of your usual routine. We all need that at some point, and you don't get that fresh experience with a partner you've been involved with for years.

    And if these guys happen to be hung up on their ex, that's their problem, not yours. They've approached you with the wrong attitude, looking for someone to cure them from somebody they were/are in love with. You've approached them with the intention of opening up your world a little bit more and sharing it with a new friend.

    So that's my advice - change your attitude to being single.
     
    Guywest79 likes this.
  9. Guywest79

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2018
    Messages:
    70
    Likes Received:
    12
    Location:
    British Columbia Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Dude...I'm at a diff stage in life and ironically feel your comments are more for me..lol..jk.

    I won't go To a long story but mi think what I'm hearing recently, is try a variety of things. Certain apps etc seem.to be full.of hookup only ppl....try to expand circles and see where it goes...i agree don't isolate....but also don't assume u meet someone in university..not always the case. Don't give up..maybe analyze what's orked or hasn't
     
  10. Guywest79

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2018
    Messages:
    70
    Likes Received:
    12
    Location:
    British Columbia Canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    You'e similar to me..with some guys I'm interested too much too quick...there seems to be a game one has to play
     
  11. TrevinMichael

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 22, 2017
    Messages:
    650
    Likes Received:
    266
    Location:
    St. Paul MN
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    just seems so hard to have a good relationship or a great friend too

    I think I found someone who I just love dearly, we are just becoming friends.

    Time will tell.
     
    Guywest79 likes this.
  12. kscurious

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 25, 2017
    Messages:
    73
    Likes Received:
    12
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I totally feel you. We're meant to die alone.
    I have accepted this.
     
  13. James09

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2018
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    Brentwood
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I really empathise with you and could of written your post myself. However i can't say dating gets easier once in your 30s either. Its just difficult meeting genuine guys in 2018. Where ade you meeting these guys? Online or in real life situations?
     
  14. kayteaugh

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2017
    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Virginia
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I
    just wanted to saw, I love your avatar. That is all.
     
    Gleek99 likes this.
  15. kayteaugh

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 2, 2017
    Messages:
    49
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Virginia
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people

    Yep, feel very similar. I'll let you know if I come upon a solution.
     
  16. MzMrAlexa

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2017
    Messages:
    123
    Likes Received:
    65
    Location:
    South Central North Carolina, USA
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Family only
    Similar boat, and I'm 55, and have been married three times and in several other ltr's.. But yet alone again and wondering the same thing.

    So what I am again coming to realize is that rather than looking for a relationship, I just need to work on making myself happy and growing as a person. Because the truth is that I've never found love by looking for it, but instead by just living life and being open to the possibilities.

    Perhaps because too often we are so busy focusing on what we want that we can't see what we need even though it's right in front of us. Just a thought that even I have to remind myself of from time to time.
     
  17. Humbly Me

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2017
    Messages:
    2,072
    Likes Received:
    311
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Whenever you say I just know is basically how you that the statement you are about to say is almost guaranteed to be wrong. It means there is no evidence of the statement being correct and that you are in a negative mindset towards the issue which distorts your brain's ability to calculate probabilities.

    Perhaps rather than focusing on the issue which we clearly can not evaluate unbiasedly, we should break our mental set and explorer more creative solutions to the problem. This may include - looking for people in places you have not tried, reconsidering how you think about dating and communicate your desires to your partner. Perhaps you do not seem as committed to the other person as you think you do and it indicates to them that you are the uncommitted type and therefore committed people cease their relationships with you. This is not necessarily your fault, or you being incompatible, we just simply sometimes have behaviors that have results counter to our desires. The same way fear might prevent you from asking someone out fear might influence you to seem distant and less committed in a relationship even if you really want it to succeed.
     
  18. Sawyer

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 11, 2016
    Messages:
    199
    Likes Received:
    41
    Location:
    Toronto
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I think the majority of people have been in the same boat as you. After one bad 3yr relationship, when I finally put myself out there I too was either rejected, or they were still in love with their exes. It hurt, so I cooled off searching, and went back on and still kept getting rejected. I took myself off again for a month to figure out what I wanted, and thought maybe it would be best to keep an open mind about a relationship (if it happens, it happens kind of thing).

    Long story short, I think I was attracting the wrong people because I wanted a relationship so badly. I think it was off putting to some and can't really blame them. When my intention wasn't a relationship, I found someone.