I was talking to this guy a few weeks ago on Snapchat about...things and after I was finished I felt an enormous amount of shame. Like I've done stuff like before and never felt as shame as I did in that moment. I guess because it was a live video without person rather than pictures or text it was different. I don't know. I honestly thought I was past feeling guilty or shameful, but I guess not. After years of trying to figure this out (I've been on this forum for a while), I feel like that moment, and others before it, pretty solidified that I'm bi, but I can't seem to accept it. Like I'm pretty this isn't a phase anymore, it's been way too long and these feelings aren't going anywhere. But yeah, I just need help accepting this.
Speaking from my own acceptance the first part of self acceptance is a hard thing to swallow. But I just started slowly opening my mind more and being comfortable with everything and that helped a lot. What is holding you back? What wall are you hitting?
Theshreks, Limiteded's words seem accurate and true for me also. You just get to the position where you kind of realise that a) what you are thinking, feeling, doing is not "abnormal" and it is just part of your make-up, as it were. Then, by meeting similar people in a safe environment, it reinforces this view and brings about full acceptance which then removes the shame, embarrassment and internal angst that you are feeling. Things then progress to a state of "I would rather it was like this, but seeing as it's not, I am going to deal with it and make it part of my natural life, as this is so powerful a feeling and cannot be hidden, changed or removed". You will get there. But making more homosexual and bisexual friends who have similar hobbies and interests definitely helps I think.
Shame and guilt are defined by doing things that you know are wrong. If you are feeling shame and guilt, then in your mind you still have belief, even subconscious, that this is wrong, and therefore you are doing something wrong, bad, immoral, etc. In order to find true acceptance of your sexuality, you will need to remove the "this is wrong" barriers. You should examine your childhood experiences with parents, family, friends, religion, school, and any other area where you learned that homosexuality and gay sex are bad, shameful things. Think about how you learned these things, pick apart the details of those experiences and how they made you feel. Journaling these experiences can be really helpful. Make a list of them, adding as much detail as you can. Uncovering the sources of your feelings and beliefs is the best step toward understanding them and ultimately being able to eliminate them from your life.
I was in denial to myself for many years then I realized but did not tell anyone then accepted then ou. This process was many years and I did talk to people that had been there and a therapist till I could finally get comfortable with it We are all here for you
Thanks for all comments. There were definitely anti-gay sentiments in my house growing up, whether said in jest or more seriously. I think that has made it a bit difficult for me to accept myself. And I guess I don't feel bi? I feel like I don't belong in the community, if that makes sense. I guess because I amused I was straight for most of my life.
Actually no. Shame and guilt are completely different. Shame is the deeply held belief that we are not worthy of love and belonging. Shame comes from thinking we don't have a place in this world, that we cannot be ________ enough (good enough, handsome enough, smart enough, etc.). There is no positive value to shame. Guilt is recognizing that we made a bad choice or decision. Thus, guilt helps to drive more positive behavior. So, for example, you have too many drinks at the bar on Sunday night, and on Monday you drag yourself into work, looking and feeling like crap. If your self-talk is "I'm a really awful person, and of course I'd make a stupid decision like that"... that is shame. If your self-talk is "Wow, that was a really poor decision. I don't want to do that again."... that is guilt. A shortcut for shame is "I am bad"; a shortcut for guilt is "I did something bad." Understanding the difference between these two is really crucial for helping ourselves heal our shame. This I completely agree with. Understanding that the "I am bad because I am gay" is an entirely socially-constructed false belief (in other words, people have put these ideas into our minds, but they have no rational basis) is key to letting go of the shame and learning to love ourselves.
