On the verge of having feelings for him, but not sure how to proceed.

I’m in one of those “does he like” me predicaments -- but I'm almost at the point where I know he has some feelings for me (let me know if you disagree) but what I also need help with is the best way to proceed.

We're both extremely closeted, although our actions toward each other make me believe neither of us truly believes the other is straight. He's 25, I'm 26.

I'm a quandary where I'm on the verge of developing feelings for someone I never in my life would have expected developing feelings for. My inclination would normally be to just pursue it. But we're going to start living together next year, and also working at the same place. So if this blows up, not only am I stuck in a terrible living situation, but also have botched working environment.


There’s this guy I’ve known for six years, ever since our first year in college. He claims to be straight. We’ve been mainly acquaintances, although there have been times where I’d say closer to friends. At first I thought he was kinda annoying and immature. I also disliked the fact that he’d randomly touch or hog attention from a different guy I liked at the time.

But fast forward to about a year ago. We would hang out much more frequently, often just us — maybe once a week. Nothing ever happened, but whatever dislike I had for him stopped as he’d become more mature.

Fast forward to about six months ago. Through a bunch of random circumstances, we ended up hanging out and talking ALOT more. I then definitely considered him a friend.

In March him and others were on a trip to Vegas with me. The two of us ended up sharing a bed. I was sleeping far to the left of the bed, and he rather than doing the same he kinda just slept next to me, where his almost his entire body was touching mine. I think we drunkenly wiggled around a bit and got closer, but nothing else happened.

Then over the next few months I started having fleeting feelings for him - like hoping he’d sit next to me vs someone else in a group setting, etc. Due to some issues with his roommate, he ended up spending most nights away from his apartment alone with me at my place between April-June at my place until we graduated. It was here that he’d do stuff like reach over me to use a computer and touch me in a way that felt like he was testing to see whether I’d move away. Generally I didn’t - we’d keep touching until one of us stopped like 10 seconds later.

At my place we also drank frequently, started singing musicals together (some songs which have strong gay or sexual undertones, like If You Were Gay from Avenue Q, which we’d sing as a duet lol). It sounds really cheesy, but of our friends we’re both the only ones who know of each others interest in musicals. He’d often get really touchy with me, putting his hands on my shoulder when singing. I didn’t really reciprocate, but didn’t mind either. I didn’t really have a crush on him but didn’t mind the attention either. Or maybe more accurately, I was trying to avoid developing feelings for him because I was at the time in one of those blissful states where I had feelings for nobody and could focus on myself. We did this a lot, it sorta became our go-to thing.

Fast forward to early June. Me, him, and this third guy got incredibly wasted around graduation week. The three of us were hanging out and somehow (I really don’t know how our bodies ended up like this), I ended up with my legs on his lap while he was sitting on my bed in an affectionate way. Then one foot moved to the ground, and the second one between his crotch. For the next 30 minutes i was basically playing with him with my foot, and whenever i’d stop he’d squeeze my leg and smile, at one point saying “more”. He eventually put a pillow over it, cuz it was kinda awkward i guess to be doing that when there’s another guy in the room talking to both of you lol. He eventually passed out in my bed (which he’d never done before), and then I jumped in and joined next to him. He again moved closer to me so that we were touching.

He had to get up early, but first send an email. He got out of bed, soberly, and to my surprise came back with a computer and got back in bed and sat next to me. We just kinda hung out there and talked for an hour before he had to leave. It was kind of nice because it was clear whatever happened the prior night wasn’t awkward (although I had no idea if he remembered it, and its sorta embarrassing what i was drunkenly doing).

Through some strange series of events the next weekend we went on a trip together, just him and I. We had a hotel with two beds. Whatever plans we had for the trip were moot due to the fact that we could hardly leave the hotel. We basically just sat in the room watching our favorite TV shows and drinking and talking. At first this was at the table. But then something strange happened. On the first night, after we were both quite drunk and sitting as close to each other as two chairs can be, he lunged over and kissed my cheek. I didn’t really want to kiss him back because im a bad kisser, didn’t want to make it awkward the next day, and my breath was awful. Then he grabbed my hand and put it on his leg. When I rested it there, he was actively trying to move it to the inside of his leg, and also move it up his leg. I let him move my hand as much as he wanted to, but didn’t do much proactively myself.

After realizing it was quite obvious he subconsciously remembered what happened the last time he as at my apartment, I suggested we move to bed and resume what we were doing there. We basically just sat there cuddling with my hand near his dick the hole time. It felt great.

Then the next two days and nights he was being pretty aggressive with me, like holding my hand whenever we sat in bed, leaning into me, resting his head on me, etc. We then facetimed this girl we knew whose extremely sexual and basically just flirted with her and talked about how hard she was making us. The whole time I could tell he kept looking to see through my pants (and I kinda did the same). Throughout this trip we ended up in the same hotel bed each night despite there being two beds. One time he moved to the other bed, and I asked him if I could join him in his, and he was completely okay with it.

He then went on vacation and kept telling me how much he missed me. we probably talked for 1-2 hours each day he was gone. he ended up leaving his parents a few days early and when he got back really wanted me to come visit him at this house (a few hours away from me) for a few days while his parents were gone. I was down. We cuddled more, held hands more, but he was less aggressive. The main difference was our friendship just seemed a lot closer. It felt like we had an implicit understanding that cuddling and hand holding etc was fine between us - only when no one else was there. It didn’t feel like he was constantly testing to see what i’d do.

He let me sleep in his bed the first two nights, and the last night we slept together in his bed. Nothing happened but again more body contact. I’ve never shared a bed with a guy who always ends up touching you.

We’ve obviously become much closer friends on an emotional level. What i have no clue about is whether he actually likes me.

He’s asked me many times if I was gay, or what I thought of gay people, and every time I’ve always non-responded by saying most people are not perfectly attracted to one sex and I probably fell somewhere in the batch with most people. He’s always said “good” and stuff about how he dislikes gay people - but doesn’t hate them, just the ones he’s known earlier. He’s obviously not perfectly straight, but he’s also from a religious family who would likely be unaccepting if he was out.

1) I’ve never asked him the same question. Do you think his answer would be different if, next time he asked, i just said I was bi, or lied and said I had no experience with guys but wouldn’t necessarily rule it out?


2) I’m not really sure whether I should come out to him. I feel like we sorta have through our actions, because literally ever time were in a room together alone we can’t keep ourselves off of each other haha.

At the same time, never once have we talked about what’s happened. It’s all just been sorta implicitly understood, because we both do the same thing each time we are in the same situation.


3) Here’s the issue. In the next month we’re going to start living together, sharing a room in a 2 bedroom place. We’ll also be working together at the same office, likely carpooling together. I don’t mind this (we basically already lived together for a few months earlier), but it greatly increases the stakes if something were to go wrong. I’ve already had one botched living situation when I lived with my former best friend, where both of us were closeted and had feelings for each other but were too immature to handle it right.

I think the signs with my current friend are much stronger, but so are the stakes as we’ll be working at the same place too. Is this living+working together thing a recipe for disaster?

I feel like I’m on the cusp of having strong feelings for him, and really don’t want to ruin our friendship. I don’t know how strong his feelings (if any) are for me, but I’m not sure if the best approach is to keep just passively accepting his advances. I don’t really care what happens, but it’d be cool to live with my best friend in a way that brought out the best of both of us and maybe had something more on the side? I just want to decide now before I lose control over my feelings and set myself up to be let down.


4) Ever since the June stuff, we’ve been best friends on snap chat with the red heart thing, probably a few days away from it becoming the pink heart lol.

He’s never had a girlfriend in his 25 years, I’ve never had one in my 26 years.

He's had some mental health issues in the past (I suspect its in part due to suppressed sexuality?), so I also really don't want him to get hurt either. Regardless what happens I care about him and don't want to set him up for another round of depression.

The problem with the job situation is I'll technically be working above him, and possibly even giving him assignments. So I feel like I'm basically walking into a landmine.

What do I do?!

Is a secret relationship an option? He rarely gets with girls anyway, neither do I, so I'm not threatened by it. And if doing so would make him happy and able to express himself (and to a lesser degree myself) publicly in a way that he's comfortable with, i'm all for it.

 

Here's a brief update on this situation.

We're still great friends to this day. I came out to him in December, we've talked about it a few times since. His reaction has always been pretty supportive but he claims he's not gay.

Then, on at least a dozen occasions in the past month alone, we'll end up sharing blankets cuddling on the couch holding hands, lying in bed in just our boxers embracing each other with our legs and feet intertwined telling each other how much we love each other, and basically cuddling whenever were alone. This is especially true when we're slightly drunk but also happens when sober. There's times he's even kissed my hand and cheek.

He's also been extremely helpful for me with some other personal issues I've been dealing with. We basically know everything about each other, in a good way.

It's an amazing friendship, but I don't know what to do. I wouldn't be opposed to taking it further, but I don't want to ruin what I have. Also, for the life of me, I do not understand why we cuddle so much, hold hands, etc. one minute and then later says he's not gay. (One time, when we were discussing my situation, he said he's maybe 10%/90% bi, and that he sometimes wishes he was gay, but he's never said that since).

• Do you think he likes me?
• What should I do?
• Do you think he's just super closeted? Or am I fantasizing? Do truly straight guys cuddle, hold hands, roll around in bed together, and say I love you so much? We've been extremely intimate over a dozen times this past month alone.

Thanks for the support.