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Sexually gay Romantically straight?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by youknow201, May 5, 2018.

  1. youknow201

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    I have always know that I have liked guys, I didn't realize that I liked woman until I had my first girlfriend and then later on another woman who I feel in love with. However I feel like my sexual attraction to men is stronger than woman but I have never really wanted to be in a long term/romantic relationship with a guy. Full disclosure I have never been on a date with a guy but its not something that I see for myself long term. Is this something others have dealt with?
     
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  2. BiBarefeet

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    Hi, kind of, but maybe not to the same degree. I think that "homosexual" is used to define people 'who like the same sex' a lot. That may be true in some cases, but I think it's more complex than that...for instance, I am technically bisexual as I am sexually attracted to both sexes...but my sexual leanings at this time are much more homosexual. But, emotionally/romantically, I feel more straight than gay, and aesthetically I much prefer the soft rounded curves and smooth skin of a beautifully shaped athletic woman. This means that i actually enjoy looking at beautiful women on the street and gain a lot of satisfaction from it, and just never look at guys like that...however, in a sexual context I find I am fantasising about gay sex exclusively, partly because it is considered more taboo and kinky to me than straight sex. It's hard to explain sometimes.
    So I can totally relate to where you are coming from.
     
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  3. Chip

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    Only you can ultimately know what your truth is, and that's something that takes time to come to terms with.

    That said, what you're describing is pretty much the textbook classic way people who are just coming to terms with being gay describe themselves.

    When we process any loss (in this case, loss of being straight), we go through stages: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. So the 'bargaining' phase looks like "I know I like guys, but I can still like girls too". It's a way we process loss.

    This isn't to say there aren't people who are genuinely bisexual. Yet, in your case, I suspect that isn't the case, since you're already stating that you are attracted more to the sexual side of men, and more to men than women. I suspect the attraction to women is more about being in the bargaining phase. Also, before somebody suggests it, there's -zero- credible support for the idea of a separation between romantic and sexual orientation, so that's pretty much a no-go, except in the deluded minds of a small-but-vocal group of people who are pretty much entirely research- and fact-free in their beliefs.

    I think it's very common to be really scared of the idea of being in a relationship with a guy, because that means being gay and... everyone who confronts that idea doesn't want it to start with. Nobody wakes up and says "I really hope I grow up to be gay." So I totally get it.

    What typically happens is that as we begin to accept our same-sex attractions, we also find our opposite-sex attractions fading away. And that, too, is part of our conscious and unconscious minds processing and accepting who we are.

    The good news here is that you're talking about it and thinking about it, which is a huge step in coming to acceptance of yourself. Wherever you end up on the scale, the important thing to realize is that you are you, and whomever you are attracted to is pretty much hardwired. You can't really change it, so simply allowing it to be, letting yourself experience and accept it, and coming to terms with it is the best plan moving forward.
     
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  4. Limiteded

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    I think to want another guy emotionally you have to open your mind to it just like you do with women.
     
  5. youknow201

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    Hey Chip thanks for your insight, I actually thought for a very long time that I was completely gay but when I had sex with a woman I realized that I wasn't. And then later on I fell in love with a woman and was ready to marry her but she had other plans (long story not related). So my attraction to woman has actually gotten stronger over the years. So I know that I'm bisexual I just think I lean more towards the gay side on the spectrum. I see men and woman that I'm attracted to all the time. The difference is that when I ask woman out I see things long term I want a relationship, I was very close to asking a guy out at work when I realized that all I wanted to do was hookup and that was it. I've accepted my attractions but I'm still just trying to figure things out and I don't know how to do that. I really want to live my life "authentically" but I'm finding it difficult.
     
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  6. Chip

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    I think the challenge is most likely that you aren't yet ready to comfortably admit you could end up with a guy. In other words, what's keeping you from dating a guy is the fear that you might really connect with him. I know that right now it feels like the only thing you want is a hookup, but my guess is that is likely a rationalization that keeps you from coming to terms with being truly bisexual.

    This is something that simply takes time. And one thing that can speed it up is basically taking the plunge and trying to date a guy to see how it feels. And, if you are comfortable exploring it, having a sexual experience with a guy. And maybe with more than one guy.
     
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  7. Love4Ever

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    You sound bi to me. If you were close to marrying a woman then you obviously are attracted to them. You just sound like you need experience with guys more to feel comfortable with that. I would try to get out there and try it out.
     
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  8. OGS

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    I think Chip's pretty spot on. The split you describe seems pretty typical for gay men in the early stages of acceptance, myself included.
     
  9. Love4Ever

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    Also I think some confusion in the responses is because of your post title. Maybe you should put sexually bisexual romantically straight. Because it's not that your attractions are split by gender down the middle, one being your sexual attraction, and the other your romantic attraction, but that you are sexually attracted to both, slightly leaning towards men, and romantically only to women. If I understood that right. From this it seems more clear that you're bi, not gay.
     
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  10. youknow201

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    Fair enough chip, appreciate the feedback.
     
  11. youknow201

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    Yea I see what you mean, thanks for the feedback.
     
  12. Love4Ever

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    No prob. I could just tell some people were thinking you were gay and not bi, and you seemed pretty confident you were bi from what you wrote.
     
  13. Chip

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    Wellll... if you read our "Later in Life" section, you'll find thousands of posts from people who were not only close to marrying, but in many cases actually married an opposite-sex person... and later figured out that basically, they were deluding themselves and trying desperately to convince themselves they were straight.

    This isn't to say that the OP isn't genuinely bisexual, but simply being close to marrying a woman, when one has clear attractions to men, is no guarantee that someone is actually bisexual.
     
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  14. HDIGH

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    One of the first steps for me admitting my bisexuality to myself was when I first heard the term "heteroromantic bisexual". Meaning someone who is only interested in hetero relationships but sexually interested in both. I've since realized that it's more than that for me and have since come out as fully bi/pan but maybe that's a term/concept that would work for you? Whichever the case, my advice would be to stay flexible and not worry too much about the labels. Hugs!
     
  15. El enfoiro

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    This is pretty much the textbook classic way you are responding to similar threads, but that doesn't really make sense here. Even using the silliest mental gymnastics, I really don't see how OP could be "processing the loss of being straight" or "coming to terms with same-sex attractions" since he thought for a very long time that he was completely gay.
     
  16. Chip

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    If you understood the nature of how the conscious and unconscious work together, and the nature of the stages of loss, and how they are often not sequential, then perhaps it would make more sense to you. Some people take years to fully come to terms with who they are, especially if there are issues with shame, a religious family, and, in this case, a lack of actual sexual experience with guys, but experience with girls.
     
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  17. Himo

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    This sounds hard. But at the same time it gives (me) hope! I red before, that some people wrote „i am sexually attracted to men, but romanticly attracted to women“. This sounds nice, but it‘s living hell! At least for me and i am shure for others too. I mean how do you imagine youre future? Being with a woman without a satisfying sex life... and on week ends you hook up with men? It will be hard to find a woman that accept this. And it‘s very questionable if both will be happy like this.

    I feel like i‘m in a stage „i am sexually attracted to men, but romanticly attracted to women“ too. And i hope chip is right, so it goes away...
     
  18. Miss Kitty

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    I only fully realised my attraction to women relatively later in life. While I'm still processing everything, I still believe that I'm more likely to end up with a man. I could see myself in a relationship with a woman and love being around women, but the energy that I really find interesting in a romantic sense belongs to men.

    I'm not saying for definite that I won't change my mind, but it's what I understand right now.