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i just want to sleep forever

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by swimmingfly, May 5, 2018.

  1. swimmingfly

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    i came out to my parents as a trans guy and they were accepting but neither one of them wants me to transition until i get to college. i live in a very conservative area and i'd have to wait 2 years speaking of college, i am failing chemistry, so i probably wont even get in anywhere. i am so stressed and i don't understand anything that is going on in that class.

    living as a girl is suffocating. it makes my skin crawl. my whole life feels wrong. my dysphoria is overwhelming and its the reason i cant focus on anything except art. i kind of just want to end it all because if i cant live as a guy, i dont want to live at all. nothing seems worth living for anymore.

    please give me some advice
     
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  2. HDIGH

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    Hey dude, I can't and won't even try to pretend to understand what you're going through dealing with your dysphoria but, if you're willing to take advice from someone who's been in some dark places himself, please believe that ending it all is NOT the answer. Please try to focus on what's good for you right now. Your art, the fact that your parents accept who you are, and any of the many good things there are still in your life. There are others on EC that can speak to trans issues much better than I can but even if you are not in position to transition yet maybe things like clothing and how you carry yourself can help? As to your school problems. Maybe a tutor would help? I know chemistry gave me fits too back in my school days.
    Most importantly don't give up! Its cliche but its true, it DOES get better. And if you're ever feeling alone remember the EC fam is always here for you and we want to hear your story, not see it end too soon. Goid luck and keep us updated
     
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  3. swimmingfly

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    thanks dude. i can't really talk to anyone except people on ec because my mo took my phone away. everything seems to come so easy to those around me, but nothing ever comes easy to me. i just want to be free to live as the guy i am. i'm not suicidal in that i would go deliberately jump off a bridge, its more like if i was crossing the street and i saw a car coming i wouldnt move.
     
  4. Flynn S

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    Hello Mason!

    Chemistry issues seem to be very common. I struggled with chemistry; many of my friends failed it or avoided it all together. Does your school offer after-school tutoring or time with your teacher? If not, getting a tutor might not be a bad idea. There are also review videos online that might help. Worst case scenario you do fail chemistry - is it a graduation requirement? Can you retake it? Some universities would probably still accept you despite having bad grades in chemistry, considering you are not planning a major in chemistry or related sciences.

    When you say your parents are not letting you transition, do you mean medically, or socially as well? Your parents probably cannot stop you from dressing the way you want (if you do not already do so). There are some things you can do pre-T, such as wearing a binder, getting a haircut, and training your voice to be deeper.

    Maybe nothing in the present seems worth living for, but you have to get through the present to obtain your future - a future in which you can transition. Life's not always as smooth as we'd like it to be. Stay optimistic. Keep the future in mind.

    Some people have to work harder than others. It's not fair, and as unfortunate as it is, it's reality. But here's the thing: once you reach their level, you'll have learned to improve yourself while all they've done is stay at their baseline level.
     
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  5. Destin

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    I'm a Biochemistry major at a university. Chemistry is hard for most people - especially in high school. The thing is, in most cases it's because people don't know how to study it (and high school teachers do a bad job of emphasizing the importance of that). Chemistry can't be approached the same way as other science classes. things like Biology and Earth Science are just straight memorization so people think it's the same way for chemistry, but it's not. Chemistry has to be studied like a math class - if you try to memorize it you will fail. You need to learn the concepts behind it and only memorize things like formulas. Everything else can usually be derived and worked out starting only with an understanding of the concepts.

    Just like a math class, the only way to learn it is doing tons of practice problems until you get them all right on the first try. Even if your teacher doesn't assign all the problems in the book, do them anyway. The links below are the two best free online tutoring options. You don't need to pay for the premium stuff, the free ones are fine.

    https://www.khanacademy.org/science/chemistry

    http://chadsvideos.com/
     
    #5 Destin, May 5, 2018
    Last edited: May 5, 2018
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  6. PatrickUK

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    I can only try to imagine how incredibly hard it must be for you to live with the pain of dysphoria and I'm sure the idea of waiting another two years is agonising. Is there anything you can do, perhaps in a very subtle way to lessen the pain and anguish? For example, could you wear more masculine clothing/underwear or use masculine toiletries just to give you a connection? What about a change of hairstyle? I know it doesn't totally alter the image you see of yourself, but subtle changes can make a difference.

    The way I read it, your parents are accepting and they are not attempting to prevent you from transitioning ever, but they do have concerns about how you would cope in a conservative state where trans rights are pushed against and subverted. I'm not siding with them, but I can see their perspective. How do you/could you answer their concerns? Have you tried already?
     
  7. Crisalide

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    A psychologist told me that physical exercise can help with symptoms of depression or emotional distress. Plus, there'll be more testosterone naturally running in your blood and being fit makes people handsome :slight_smile:
     
  8. anthracite

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    I know the pain of a conservative environment. Had I transitioned socially at school, hell would have broken loose. But they were fantastically ignorant about me wearing men‘s clothing, men‘s scent and having a sports bra all the time, which kept me really flat. Maybe talk with your parents about that and that these little changes help you a lot, but go unnoticed. I even heard someone get on T and for some month people were spectacularily ignorant to a point where they even oberlooked his incoming mustache.

    Also follow Crisalides advice and go work out, it will help you a lot. There are also some nuitritional and lifestyle factors that might help you grow taller. You might also start working right now on a student job so you‘ll have money for surgery sooner.

    Keep it going bro, we are fighters and you will go out of this as one of the manliest man. If you make it through this shit, daily problems of „normal“ people will leave you cold and unbothered. And their worry adds up over their lifetime, while yours is short and finished in a few years.

    So, mathematically speaking, you‘re gonna have the better life because once you tested your fighting powers, you‘ll always know that whatever happens, you can rely on it.
     
  9. Kodo

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    Hang in there. So many trans people have gone through what you're dealing with right now and they have made it. So you can too.

    Waiting is never easy. Try to focus on what you have control over right now and work with that. Even if you're only taking baby steps it's still progress - don't downplay it. You will get there. You have to choose to believe that.

    Even so, I would try to think of this time in a different light. It feels like maybe you're always waiting on something. For me, first it was waiting to come out. Then it was waiting to move out. Then it was waiting to start T. Now it's waiting to get top surgery. Always waiting for something. And it gets really hard sometimes because it feels like until you get to point A or B you cannot really live. But that isn't true.

    Identify the people in your life who support you and take strength from them. Read the stories of other guys who went through what you're going through. Do anything you can that gives you hope for tomorrow, but don't forget to hope in today too. Even if you're waiting, thinking about the fact that you're waiting will just make it harder. I cannot ask you to "not think about it" and you shouldn't, but try to stay busy and work on yourself in the mean time.

    If going to college is the time frame for when you can start T, do whatever you can to make that happen. Work hard in school, get tutoring if you can in subjects which are more challenging, maybe start saving money for moving out. Get your parents on your side and involve them in your life. If possible you may try talking to them about getting you to see a gender therapist -- just having that person to talk to can be invaluable as you're going through this process. Also standing up for yourself not only when it concerns your transition, but everything else in your life (future goals, personal health, education, livelihood, etc.) will show your parents you are ready and capable to start T sooner.

    Transition is possible. But it's a process that takes time. I always say if anything, being trans has forced me to become a much more patient and resilient person. It isn't fair or fun what you're having to go through right now, it fucking sucks. And my heart goes out to you brother. Just promise yourself to always keep fighting and believe me, it's worth it. It's worth every damn tear and every second waiting.