I've known I'm (mostly?) gay ever since I was 14. Now I'm 21. I'm just not comfortable being gay, I'd much rather be straight. I don't have an issue with other gays, it's all about me I can't and also don't want to accept myself. No, I'm not religious. I just wanna be in the majority (straight), live a traditional life, have girlfriends / a wife, etc. Ever since I read that mothers pass the male loving genes onto the male (thus gay) offsprings Ive hated my mother and hasnt been able nor willing to forgive her for making my gay No I dont have issues with other gays, I support them etc and Im not saying being gay is wrong or they're bad people, no. It's just... I wanna be able to live my life the way I want to. If I can change the color of my eyes with contact lenses I should have the right to be able to choose my attractions and feelings as well and this makes me furious because its messed up I cant Is there absolutely no way for me to change my attractions? To be attracted to females? To be able to be sexually and romantically attracted to them? Because I so desire to... Damn Cant I change with time possibly? Am I doomed to be this way for the rest of my life? This makes me angry and Im not even religious. This is all about the contact lenses analogy for me
The problem with your analogy is that the contact lenses don't actually change the color of your eyes, they just change the appearance. You can try to appear straight, but just as wearing those contacts for extended amounts of time will irritate and harm your eyes, so too will lying to yourself harm you. I'm sorry you're having so much trouble with how you are feeling and can only hope you can find peace with yourself. Also, medical science still doesn't know exactly what causes sexual orientation but it's almost certainly not your mother caused you to be. Please don't take it out on her.
Can you change your sexuality? Naw man, sorry. It's gonna stay like that unless you suddenly start feeling sexually emotions for the female gender, which once again, isn't possible. The best way to be happy is accept who you are I'm afraid, because going out and possibly marrying a girl when you know that you CAN'T have sexually feelings for her is going to backfire big time.
So you’ve known since 14 that you were gay, which was something you can control, over the gene situation which your mother also couldn’t control, and you’ve hated her for 7 years because of that? Not sure I read that right. Either way, there’s nothing really to “blame”, and unjustly hating your mom isn’t helping anyone. I hope you work through these issues and try to accept yourself and enjoy life while you can.
I don't know you and I wouldn't want to presume to know what's going on in your head, but... Ask yourself this - What would happen if you accepted yourself as gay? What if you made an effort to love yourself for everything you are and for everything that makes you, you? I ask this because I'm 35 and I didn't come out until about a month ago. Thank God my husband was also bisexual, it could have been really messy, I was lucky. My point is this, we only get one life and one chance. I understand the anger and wanting to change yourself, I really do. I also know that the moment I finally accepted myself the way I am was the first moment in my life that I was okay with being me. You are beautiful just the way you are, but you will only see that beauty if you accept yourself enough to look into your own eyes in the mirror.
As we process any loss (in this case, loss of perception of self as straight), there are stages we go through: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. It sounds like you've spent a lot of time in denial, and are now starting to move into the next stages. This, as much as it may not seem like it, is a good thing. The others are correct: There's no way to change sexual orientation. This isn't even remotely controversial; the APA did a large, exhaustive study of 50 years worth of studies trying to change sexual orientation and soundly shut down the idea that it is possible to change sexual orientation. The only people who still believe it's possible are the ignorant religious folks, and even many of them are coming around slowly. I totally get why you're angry and why you don't want this. I doubt anyone who figures out they're gay immediately runs out and goes "Wow! I'm so happy I'm a poofter!" But what I can tell you is that once you get past the anger and process and accept yourself... you'll be able to find happiness and come to accept and love yourself exactly as you are.
I feel like Im missing out on so much. I just dont wanna be gay, why is that too much to ask in life. I dont like being gay and it takes pleasure in life a2ay from me
I understand what you're saying. And I know the feeling you have. And I think that realistically, what you have to realize is, just as a black person can't become white, or someone 5 feet tall can't become 6 feet tall... there's no way that a gay person can be straight. So basically, you have two choices: Stay miserable about what life has given you, or begin to work on accepting and loving yourself as you are. I hope you can see that the former isn't very fulfilling. I know that the latter seems unappealing, but I assure you that when you let go of what isn't possible, then the possibilities of loving who you are start to make more sense.
I can relate a lot to what you are saying... It's hard when you are torn between two vastly different lifestyles. The thing is that you can change you behaviors, and to a degree who you are (I'm talking about progressing and evolving, not just turning something off) but your inner drives are still going to be there. For me it's being stuck somewhere in-between genders and needing to express both at different times. Sure I would love a non complicated existence and to be just be accepted for who I am, and I am sure there's a place somewhere I could do that, but that would mean losing pretty much everything with no guarantee of being better off. Just throwing this out there, but have you thought about being open to dating someone who is TG? or Non-Binary? Sometimes we all get stuck too much on labels when really Love is Where you Find it, and way too often people of all spectrums miss out on having special and meaningful relationships because a person doesn't fit the category or list of criteria, when if the chemistry is there everything else will fall or work into place. My last LTR was very much like that. It ended up having to end, but not because of anything having to due with gender or sexual preference.
I get OPs feelings I think. As someone who was a teen in mid 80s, came out to self as in dating at 31..mid 2002...i wasted my 20s visavis dating....never had much success getting girls to date...was overwhelmed...finally dated guys at 31 and I tried to go str8 in mid 30s....more lost time..7 yrs approx...so I don't think.u can change it....sorry......I'm not a professional but maybe you should find a counsellor if possible....not a psychiatrist..many are not helpful.imho.
Honestly call me crazy but I think I will kill myself. While im glad gay people are happy I just cant be the way I want. I could be dating and f...ing gorgeous chicks but nope I cant have any of this because i was born the way i didnt ask to be. I know im not gonna be happy as celibate but also not the way I was born. So Im not gonna be able to change so im not gonna be happy.
Dude don't joke about killing self.....if you can imagine doing girls then maybe you'e bi...see for me..vag kinda scares me..lol...if u get turned on by it..assuming u do...then u could be bi....ive never gotten hard consistently over girls...never got why
Kellynec I urge you not to throw around the idea of killing yourself because your gay. I see people in cancer hospital I work in fighting for even one more day! I assure you they would accept gay in a heart beat over their condition. Chip and the other voices on EC are steering you in the right direction. As you work on acceptance of being gay, it will get easier and you will be able embrace and begin living a gay life. I guarantee you eventually you find everything you are looking for in another man. Emotional , intellectual and sexual support that leads to a very fulfilling life. We have one life, it’s our duty to live it to fullest, embrace our real essence and try to make a difference. You have plenty of time to accomplish this.
Ditto on Suicide even Jokingly.. Far too many folks spend their whole life never finding their place regardless of their gender or sexuality. Be patient and be open minded. We're all on a Journey, some easier and some harder, but most with their ups and downs and seldom everything being perfect and in balance. So please take it in stride and when those moments come where there is balance, or at least in a lull relish in them. Nothing lasts forever Good or Bad, but life is still precious no matter what.
Since I don't know you I'm going to take your suicide threat as the "real deal" (if it's not, then I will just have wasted words and not opportunity). Life is complicated, and sometimes crappy. I don't think anyone can say that they haven't been where you are, but, the truth is, this isn't about them - it's about you. The words on this screen will not sway you one way or another, but please don't make a permanent decision based on something that is likely temporary. When I was a teenager I hated myself and I did try to commit suicide. I knew during those days that I was bisexual and I hated myself for it and I was willing to die for my self-hatred. Then, in my 20s, I married a straight guy and who didn't know I was bi. Time made me hate myself even more and again I tried to kill myself and again I was unsuccessful. I divorced that guy, who was an abusive tool to begin with. I accepted that I was going to spend the rest of my life alone and miserable. Then I met someone. I met a guy who was also bisexual. We married and now have to beautiful children (we use porn to fill in our bi needs). I'm sure by now you are wondering "what the hell is the point of this?" My point is I believed once that I would never be happy, I tried to kill myself twice, and I did not like myself. But time, like it always does, heals all wounds. You may hate yourself today, though I don't know why - you seem like a highly passionate guy (which is attractive on both sides of the fence, btw), but you may not always hate yourself - in fact I know you won't. I didn't ask to be bi - childhood sexual abuse and genetics made me this way, but I made the best of it and have learned to love myself. I have been where you are, and I cannot stress this enough, I'm sooooooo glad that my suicide attempts didn't work out because the life I have now, even though it's full of backward thinking bigots who can't see past their own egos. My children are beautiful and my life is perfect, not because I'm rich or famous or dating some really hot guy or girl, but because I'm alive and I have the ability to appreciate life, something you cannot do once you are dead. Don't make a permenant decision based on something temporary because you won't even get a chance to regret it if you go through with it.
Well, I can relate to a lot of what you say. I never chose to be gay, and I definitely wasn't happy about it. The thing is... this is the hand you've been dealt. Now it's up to you to think and plan how to make the most of your life and reach your goals. The end result may look different than you've imagined - which doesn't make it bad or good. It just is. Don't blame it on your mother, it's not her fault. It just happened. Now it's up to you to live your life. Good luck.
Don’t kill yourself, because there are worse things to be than gay. Why do you feel that your life is over if you’re gay? Is it because of family members? Friends?
