Ciao! I came here to EC as a way to be connected to the LGBTQ+ community other than my friend circle and the GSA club at my school. I have helped out here on EC and now I'm on the other side of the equation. I want to come out to my family before June 25 this year. I already have a letter plan. It's written already as well. I just don't know when. Do I leave it on the table before I leave for school? Do I wait until the sleepover my friends and I are planning as an end of the year bash? All I know is that I don't want to be around when my parents read it. My parents are accepting of LGBT but how about when their "daughter" says she "wants" to be a boy? Could I get a little help out here? If you would like I can type out the letter.
What are you coming out as? And I’d like to see what the letter says..but it’s interesting that people write letters i didn’t have to go that route so I’m not sure what to expect if you feel better not being there leave it when you feel you have a safe place to go for as long as you can for support in case there is a negative reaction but I would think a parent would know their child enough to know something is up but really it depends on what you are identifying as too
I'm coming out as trans. As for the letter it says, Dear Mom and Dad, Don't skim through this. Everything said is important. Trans is an interesting term. Transgender means the same thing. It means someone who identifies as a gender other than the one they were born as. Surprise! I identify with this term. No, this does not mean I'm gay. The fact that I am a guy and I like guys makes me gay. Before any confusion or hatred leaks into your reaction, I should specify something. Sex and gender are two different things, what you are born as and what you identify as. I've told some of my friends and they accept me. I asked them to call me Ky instead of ~Birthname~ so that I could feel more comfortable. Learning your gender identity is part of development according to therapists. I am not changing. I don't want to be a boy. I am still myself. I can go by a different name if you want me to. I hope you still accept me, Ky~
I think you should add that you have come to accept yourself long before they have so you know it’s something you’ve thought about( I know most have to go through a year of therapy before a procedure) and that it makes you happy knowing that you identify as trans and that it may be an adjustment for them as well and that you are understanding in whatever reaction they may have and that you will have a future and relationships just like everyone else and that they shouldn’t worry, something along those lines
The right time is whenever you feel it is right for you. I know coming out can be scary to do but if you want to feel happy and free it's the best thing to do. I'm not out to any of my friends that go to my school right now, I'm only out to family, some other trusted adults, and one of my long distance guy friends who's also bisexual, but I'm planning on coming out to my future college friends (I'm a senior in high school now) within the next 3 years. Going to a Christian college, it's going to be a little scarier, but I am probably just gonna bite the bullet and do it because I want to feel free. Plus, I've heard the Christian college I'm going to is pretty accepting of that stuff and they even have a GSA there.
It may be difficult for them to accept at first, but if your family is not super religious and/or homophobic/transphobic they should get used to it eventually.
I'm a little confused with your letter. It says you're not gay. But then says "No, this does not mean I'm gay. The fact that I am a guy and I like guys makes me gay". To me it says you want to become a guy and be with guys. If that's wrong, then maybe rewrite that part. Unless, its clear to others.
Yeah, I worded it in an odd sense because my parents will most likely understand it easier. I don't like how it's worded either but if it helps them get the message across it seems my best option.
Hi Hidden One, I'm going to be honest, okay? It might not be what you want to hear, but you should hear a variety of viewpoints before making decisions that are really your own to make. Your letter reads like it was hastily written, without a lot of thought put into it. I agree with above poster that the portion about you being gay is confusing. Specifically, these are the things that stand out to me: 1. Starting off with defining transgender might not be the best way to begin. I would suggest starting with something much more personal. Nothing in your letter really tells them why you feel this way, or for how long you have been feeling this way. You have struggled with these feelings for a long time, but I don't get that sense from your letter. Your parents may think this is "just a phase" or some person put this thought into your head. Parents will often think that their children are being coerced by others. You didn't come to the conclusion that you are trans overnight, so explaining how you came to this realization is an important part, and one that I think you can't overlook. 2. Going right into explaining how this doesn't make me gay, but yes I am gay because I like guys is simply confusing. Perhaps the reasoning should be more like explaining that your orientation is still the same as it has always been - you are attracted to guys. As a woman, that made you heterosexual, but as a man it makes you gay. If your parents are struggling with you being trans, however, you might just leave this part out for round 2. 3. You spend more of your letter defining terms and explaining LGBT concepts than giving real honesty to your parents. They will need to know "why" this is happening, and why you are telling them now. 4. You say "I am not changing." While I understand what you mean, the fact is that your parents will see this as a monumental change. Please don't discount how difficult it is for parents to come to terms with their daughter telling them that he is really a boy - and saying "I'm not changing" will be just a throwaway line because it flies in the face of reason. It is a change. It's a change from everything they know. You should acknowledge it and help them to see the real you - the one you've been hiding from them while you have been figuring this out for yourself. 5. "I don't want to be a boy." I'm not sure what exactly you mean by this. I'm assuming you mean that "I AM a boy" instead of "I want to be a boy." This is an important point for parents who may think their child who says "I want to be a boy/girl" means there is a choice here. Perhaps you may want to have a little more detail here by explaining that you are a boy who was born a biological girl. Something like, "It's not that I WANT to be a boy, I simply am a boy in my thoughts and my feelings, despite the fact that I have the body parts of a girl." Maybe something like that? 6. If you decide to come out, then I think you should own who you are. Suggesting to your parents that they can call you a different name if they want to is missing the point entirely. Plus, I think your name will be the least of their concerns. I would suggest that you tell them the name you have picked for yourself, and then own that. Overall, the most important part, in my opinion, is that you share with your parents what is happening to you. Share your feelings, your thoughts, your reasoning behind what is happening. I'm assuming this will be a shock to them, so helping them understand why this happening is important in your letter. I hope my thoughts help you. As a father of two children, I know what I would want to receive in a letter like this. Take care.
Hi Hidden One! It's wonderful to hear that you're plannin' of comin' out to your parents! I do know how somewhat frustratin' that could be since you really wanna tell 'em straight away in such way you prefer, in this case via letter. I was scared to death when I told my parents, it was less than a week after when my little sister got to know that I'm trans MtF. I've been strugglin' so many hours thinkin' and plannin' about the right time, tryin' to trigger that thing in my mind where I just wanna (and be able) to... well "burst out" ain't exactly the word but at least feelin' abit more brave to be able to say it. Cheeesy as it might sound, I do believe that there ain't a right moment that we can plan ourselves too It's suppose to come from nowhere, when you least expect it^^ Not gonna say that this applies to everyone, just speakin' out from my personal experience when I came out out(A) The right moment comes when you feel ready to do it, when that thought suddenly strikes you "Yes, this is it!." Might sounds cheesy, does it?? I wanted to leave a handwritten letter first inside an envelope for my family to read when I was not around. Always thought of makin' a trip somewhere and let 'em read that letter once I've left but no matter how I planned and twisted that plan around for other ways to come out, it never happened. So how did my 'right moment' came? I was in Bulgaria together with my friends. We've been havin' a blast of a trip and just got back to my friend's hometown after he got married. Some of us joined for a little trip to eastern Bulgaria for a couple of days. Re-united at last, we were enjoyin' the sunset from the balcony as we started to talk about feelings, emotions and how this trip has evolved ourselves into. Like grown as people, learn somethin' new and such. It felt deep and inspirin' as we were sittin' there sippin' our sodas and shared our beliefs and thought about the world, of peoples' way of thinkin' and such. I came into this what I'd like to call my 'sensitive stage' where you feel more open than you usually feel. Me and my best male friend were sittin' abit longer there and since he knew about my true self, we started to talk around that area among other subjects. At that moment, I felt that I needed to tell someone about my true self and it has to be a relative. My friend did recommended me occasionally and that has been somethin' I wanted to do: To tell my little sister first all. Despite the late night hour, I remained up a bit longer to write a text message tellin' her what I think, feel and believe. I talk about how I felt about this and how long I've been feelin' like this, bringin' up certain occasions where I might've hinted it or why I've been reactin' strange sometimes (like bein' tired from overwhelmin' thoughts and such since I always came up with other stories.) Since I'm into fantasy and super powers, I told my little sister how these characters I've created has reflected pieces of me in their way, in hope that she would understand the big picture in the end and how I managed my everyday livin' of livin' a life hidden from others I did explained many things why I've been thinkin' the way I've been thinkin', how happy it'd make me if I can be finally free (hintin' that I'm still shy and wouldn't dress in women's clothin' in public or in front of anyone but myself for now, we'll see how that'll be in the future). It was truly an emotional one explainin' that this is not a phase and I'm truly sure that this is who I am and how I want to live my life in the future. I wish that I want to add so many more details of how I wrote that letter but I'm seein' already that my post is turnin' longx) To give a way shorter one: I just let my heart do the writin' there and wrote exactly the way it wanted to say Felt like my fingers moved on its own, it just went on and on in one pace I turned off my cellphone and went to sleep right after I sent these text messages (all too many pages, hahaxP) The next mornin' I woke up, I found myself a brief answer from her where she said how happy and proud she was of me and accepted me right away Despite the long message, she considered that one as a quick response for she wanted to write more properly later on (which she did(A)).
Everyone! Thank you for the help! I have rewritten the letter and I am coming out tomorrow or the next day! This is the new letter feel free to add your input! Dear Mom and Dad, It would mean a great deal to me if you would carefully read this. Thanks. “I’m the boy who has to tell his parents I’m not their little girl anymore.” Transgender is a word that means a great deal to me. Mostly because I personally identify with this word. I knew how I felt years ago but I thought I was crazy. Wanting to be a boy? Am I crazy? Turns out not. Only last year did I learn about the term transgender. I was glad that I wasn’t alone in how I felt. If this really is just a phase then it sure is a long one. One person is never too old nor too young to learn how they feel. 84 or 5 years old it is OK to find out. I was made this way for a reason as was everyone else. Since you watch shows where main characters are gay, I’m referring to Pretty Little Liars and Champions, I knew I had hope for you guys being okay with me being different. My best friend here is trans as well. His parents don’t accept him though. He has to live hating how he is because of them. That paper you wanted to see, Mom? It was the original version of what you’re reading now. At that moment I was terrified, so I froze up and got defensive. I’m sorry for doing that. I don’t know if I’m ready or if I ever will be but right now seems the best chance I’ve had yet so I’m taking it. I started going by Ky. It would mean the world to me if you could call me that and use he/him when referring to me. You told me you would love me no matter what, time to put that to the test. Love, Ky
Good luck mate. Coming out is always nervewracking but parents are the hardest (for me it was anyway). Proud of you. Keep us updated
Hey Ky, I'm glad you decided to make your letter more personal. I wish you the best of luck and I really hope it goes well. Please don't be too discouraged if they don't immediately accept you. It may take some time and more discussion. Remember, this letter is just the beginning of discussions, not the whole thing. They will likely have lots of questions, so be patient as they work to understand what is happening to you. Take care.
~UPDATE~ I'm worried more than scared now. My parents didn't react at all. So I have no clue if they are both transphobic or if one is or if they just don't know what to do. I just know my dad seemed to want to refrain from using 'she' when on a call with my mom before she got home. Maybe my mom is transphobic. I don't know.
