I have been lurking here and reading for awhile but I never had the guts to post anything. i identify with a lot of people's stories and feelings One in particular was the 'signs' thread. Several men reported being attracted to male ballet dancers. i had this too and I always just wrote it off as a fetish, and because I also found the women beautiful I just thought there was some 'wrong wiring' that made me aroused when I masturbated. After all I never ever saw any guy I was attracted to in real life so I couldn't be gay, right? A couple of months ago i started taking a ballet class, and there were a lot of pretty women dressed in ballet stuff and I found them attractive so I thought, see, I am not gay. The few guys in class would just wear sweats - so you really couldn't 'see' much. There was a young good looking guy in there that did that the first week, but the next week he came in full ballet gear- a tight fitting shirt and ballet tights. I caught him out of the corner of my eye and I felt this pleasant uneasiness inside me. but i kept my eyes off him. I do 'look' at the women and like their bodies but never really get aroused. In fact I was trying to rationalize that for years... I finally let myself 'look' at him the way I look at a woman...I could explain away gay porn, fantasies but not this...the thought of being sexual- or just touching him made my knees weak...and I also felt something I have never felt about fantasies - a deep romantic attraction. I realized that I have never allowed myself to look at a man sexually in public, when I let myself look at his rear end... the words and thoughts that came to me - 'sexy', beautiful., sensual. even now just thinking about it my hands start to shake and I tremble all over.... then comes the realization or the thought 'I am gay'.... I just feel lost and overwhelmed Part of me says 'you're gay' the other Part of me just says NO NO NONONO!!!!!! Part of me still just says its a fetish...
Welcome to EC! I can imagine how uncomfortable and disorienting it must be to have these feelings to become more present for you. Only you can know for sure, and I think this is a question that may take some time to really answer. That said, I were to guess, I'd be inclined to guess that it isn't a fetish, and that you are, in fact, gay. Straight men generally don't fantasize and masturbate over male ballet dancers; they wouldn't find that the least bit sexually arousing. And the other feelings you're describing are also consistent with someone who is gay. It can be pretty overwhelming when the true feelings we've been suppressing first break through the careful denial and rationalization we've built up for years or decades. I think the best thing you can do is to just breathe and give yourself time to process. You may notice, as you begin to accept the feelings, that they become stronger, and attractions also become stronger. This is pretty common as well. I hope you'll stick around and continue to share your feelings and ask questions.
Honestly, when I start to think about being with him. everything just seems so natural and easy...and it's stronger than anything I have every felt about a woman. But i wonder if it's just because it's new ? Yes! Scary but also I feel this warm glow inside if think that I might be gay... then I get really scared and clam up, or I just say I am talking myself into it...
You may be bisexual. I don't know your age, but you seem young, so it's normal to be confused. You're the only one who can know if you're straight, bi, gay, or anything else, they're just words, you're just who you are. The only thing that I want you to remember is that you mustn't be scared; if you wanna try new things, go and experience it (just be careful ). I hope you find a nice person. You seem a good boy
not young I should have mentioned that. The young guy (looks like he's in his 20s) is way too young for me, but I am very attracted, much more than to any woman.... Another weird thing I have an on again off again GF and I have lost sexual interest in her since this happened...
For me the "duh" moment that made me fully accept myself as bi(not questioning, not curious, not "well maybe if I was...") was recognizing the same stupid gut-punch celeb crush reaction to a male singer that I'd had towards certain women before. There were plenty of other signs but like you I'd always been able to play it off in my head. Also like you, since admitting it to myself I've found myself positively obsessing about guys, even if my main leaning is still towards women. For me I think its that for the first time Im allowing myself to truly and fully explore this side of my sexuality. Also as a friend I am out to put it, guys are the "ooh new shiny" to me lol. Maybe the same for you maybe not. Bottom line is try to let yourself be honest with yourself. Try not to worry that your "talking yourself into it" and just let your feelings develop honestly. Good luck
