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Trying out the lesbian label

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SoulSearch, Apr 29, 2018.

  1. SoulSearch

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    I'm not comfortable with labeling my sexuality. Partially, it's because I'm not sure. And I don't like labels in general. I'm also wondering if giving myself a label is bringing up some kind of shame that I'm not totally conscious of. I just changed my profile label from Questioning. I'm not exactly questioning anymore. I'm 95 percent sure I'm not straight. I sat here and looked at the labels and none seem to fit. I might be bisexual -- that's what I would have chosen last year. But lately ... I'm not interested in men at all so it doesn't seem to fit. For today, I chose lesbian. I'm going to try it on for a bit and see how it feels. The lesbian day of visibility got me thinking about it more and I envy those who wear the label proudly. That's not me yet, but we'll see.

    Anyone else struggle with the labels?
     
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  2. justme2018

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    how did you become certain? I am just starting to acknowledge gay feelings but don't know where to begin...
     
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  3. LostInDaydreams

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    I was really uncomfortable when I first changed my label on here. I've been back and forwards a few times. For me, I felt I didn't really have any right to the label "lesbian" even though it fit, because I was (and still am) in a relationship with a man.

    What you're doing is essentially the advice I was given; be "lesbian" for a day or two and see how it fits/feels.

    If it fits then it fits. Don't overthink it. :slight_smile:
     
  4. SoulSearch

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    I'm certain I'm not 100 percent straight (ha ha. Is anyone?). I've been talking to lesbian friends, listening to music, reading a lot of articles, watching movies, and the thought of being with a woman turns me on. I also have a pretty intense crush on a particular woman. I am still not sure I want to leave my husband, but the feelings I'm experiencing are strong enough that I think I have to talk to him about how I feel and see what happens from there.
     
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  5. SoulSearch

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    Thank you. Yes, I'm going to be lesbian for a bit. :slight_smile: And I know what you mean about not having the right to claim the label. I'm married to a man too. I'm getting closer to a conversation with him. Scared out of my mind.
     
  6. LostInDaydreams

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    I think this will be different for everyone. There's no one place to begin. The two things that made up my mind:

    1. I have no interest in fantasizing about men (and I never did, to be honest).
    2. A future with only heterosexual relationships looks bleak and boring.

    It took me several months of going around in circles to reach clarity on these two points.

    Do you relate to them at all (from a male perspective)?
     
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  7. LostInDaydreams

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    Yes, I know that feeling all too well.
     
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  8. zumbaqueen

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    I remember those feelings. I will say since I’ve told my husband I have been much better.
     
  9. justme2018

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    omg... YES!
     
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  10. LostInDaydreams

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    OK, so that's a starting point. Do you want to elaborate? No pressure. Share what you feel comfortable sharing. :slight_smile:
     
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  11. Dotwork

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    Hey @SoulSearch
    Yep I can 100% relate to struggling with labels. When I first had my realisation that I wasn’t as straight as I always thought I was, I initially labelled myself as bisexual...I was in a relationship with a man at the time and so didn’t think that the label of lesbian fit me at all.
    After a lot of questioning, driving myself mad, breaking up with my boyfriend and a whole load of other stuff, I actually came out as gay. Not lesbian, not bisexual...but gay (although this did transcend as lesbian to everyone else). This label seemed to fit right as I had zero interest in men, and i mean none whatsoever but Like @LostInDaydreams has said, I also didn’t feel like I had the ‘right’ to call myself a lesbian.
    However, over the last month or two I’ve been thinking about whether or not the label of gay even fits me correctly and I’m actually circling back to bisexual.
    Whilst I have no interest in pursuing anything with a man, I don’t think that I can fully rule them out either. Plus I’m considering my past behaviour which up until a year and half ago only consisted of men.
    The thing is, labels are tricky. Sometimes they help and sometimes they hinder. Sometimes they fit and sometimes they don’t. It used to really stress me out trying to figure out what one I thought fit me best and I also stupidly thought that if I picked one then I had to stick to it and then move forward in my life sticking religiously to that particular label.
    That’s obviously silly and so not the case and so you see how the label lesbian feels to you. Take your time with it, It may suit you 100% and feel completely right or it may suit for a bit and then you may change again as you work through things.
    Either one is totally ok.
     
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  12. SoulSearch

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    Thank you. I think I'm fluid. Bi is probably more accurate in the long-run, but doesn't feel quite right where I am today. Glad I'm not the only one changing labels. :slight_smile:
     
  13. justme2018

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    never much interest or excitement about a relationship with a woman, looking back, it was always women who started the relationship and I was always sort of detached..
     
  14. Limiteded

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    I’m a guy and have felt bi the last 6 years. Just recently I’ve felt like I’ve trsnsitioned to bring gay and like you have struggled with the label aspect. Time will tell.
     
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  15. Peterpangirl

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    I feel similar. Right now I find it hard to imagine being interested in pursuing a relationship with a man in the future. However I have been in love with a man and I have felt various attractions to men in the past...though never as frequently as my peers...I alternate between thinking the label "gay" seems more accurate or the label "bisexual"....I really don't think I can say I am 100% gay...though I think I'm closer to gay than straight.
     
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  16. Contented

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    For another male perspective, once I acknowledged honestly my attraction to another man I felt that the label bi was right. In a short time I knew that the bi label was not genuine at least for me. Within a month or so of my first sexual experience with the man who has become my BF I lost all interest in my girlfriend of the time. Frankly lost all interest in females period and could no longer even visualize being in any type of relationship with a woman. The bi label would have been a continued lie and I just could handle that any longer. The only label possible was 100% gay, that was over a year ago and I have totally embraced it. Best decision I ever made.