I’ve said it before here on threads that only very recently have I admitted to MYSELF that I’m gay, and that I’m just starting to come out to family and friends, and that I have yet to be with a man in a physical way. But it occurred to me this morning that the more gay I allow myself to feel... the happier I am. It’s not at all what I expected and it’s very freeing. I’ve spent a life into my mid-40s of playing it straight while being attracted to men. A life hoping maybe I was bi. A life of spending endless amounts of energy and frustration trying to stop the gay thoughts if they were creeping too strong. A life of doing stupid stuff like forcing myself to masturbate to women-on-women porn hoping with practice I’d be straight. A life constantly being hard on myself because I wanted to be straight. A life unfulfilling in such a big way... sexually. After finally admitting to myself I was gay there was no turning back. And after telling a few others there’s certainly no turning back. Sure, being gay wasn’t my dream... but I feel the way I feel. And that’s fine. Why be unhappy trying to be something I can’t be... straight, when maybe I can be happy being something I can be... gay. It is what it is and that’s okay. The people that say it’s not okay are idiots. Or at the very least have some seriously idiotic thoughts. And the ones that say it’s not okay based on religious beliefs? Wow. All I can say about that is it’s BS to judge people being true to their sexuality, something they can’t help, when those same people doing the judging are basing it all on on something they can help... a belief based on faith. A belief! My sexual orientation isn’t a belief! Plus it’s none of their damn business! At its simplest... why spend a life being emotionally unhappy and sexually-unsatisfied as a closeted straight? That doesn’t make sense. I mean hell, if I was told I was going to be emotionally-unhappy I may as well at least be sexually-satisfied, right? So I’ll go be an unhappy gay then, right? That’s the thing though, it’s really been a load off... and that’s a happy thing to have a load lifted. So being open is actually creating happiness. I didn’t see that one coming. The more I allow myself to be okay with being attracted to men, after so many damn years fighting it, the more I actually am attracted to them. And that’s because I’ve finally told myself it’s okay. It’s nice to feel a peaceful sexual attraction and not have to push the thoughts back in. Feel the same kind of sexual peace the straight world does. I mean shit, we all deserve that! Sure there’ll be hard days to come. And likely forever. But they’ll get easier with time and experience. To those struggling with their sexuality - I’m not a doctor by a long shot... but there’s something to be said for admitting something to yourself loud and clear that you might not want to. It’s a great beginning. And believe it or not... it’s gets better in your head starting right then. Some people on a few years in their lives will have a lot more baggage they need to work around, but start with getting peace in your own mind and take it from there. And to the young ones? You’ve got your whole lives ahead of you... don’t wake up at 45 one day like me and wish you’d done this 20 or 25 years ago. I can’t get that time back but many of you still have it ahead.
It really surprised me how quickly I started feeling better about totally unrelated things once I allowed myself to acknowledge I am not straight. Admitting that to myself cleared a mental block that was harming other aspects of my life. I remember the very next day when I walked outside something immediately felt different... it was that I noticed it was a nice morning, good weather, peaceful and with birds chirping in the distance. I never noticed those things usually, I was always just oblivious to small nice things like that. Even my grades in school went up for no apparent reason after that. Being true to yourself is so important, avoiding it just causes harm even in ways that don't seem to be related at all.
It’s crazy isn’t it?! I mean life still isn’t perfect, nobody’s is, but this is one less thing that looms over me. And the most amazing part is I never allowed myself to even think about men past anything pornographic before... but once I admitted I was gay I can even see myself wanting a man passionately and emotionally. I’ve cleaned cobwebs out of the attic that is my brain. I feel like I’ve found the same inner peace with myself that straight people must have. The same except more gay. Lol
For me, I don't think I truly accepted myself until I started coming out. Like you said, once I did I found that I felt so much better about the shitty, unrelated things going on in my life. Things still get me down, but things feel manageable. All I can do is change the things I can change, and try to change my attitude but the other things
fvpa01...When I finally accepted that I was and always had been gay...and when I could actually say out loud "I am gay" I discovered that every time I said it I would feel happy and smile! Just saying those words could make sunshine come into my day. ....David
I'm still a work in progress...I don't know if I'm bi or gay. If I'm gay I'm definitely in the bargaining stage. Hoping maybe I can settle in a traditional family framework, hoping I can avoid all the difficulty that comes socially with it. Then if I'm bi I really suck at it you know lol I'm happy for all of you guys! I wish you to have the most awesome experiences!
I am the same way. I’ve considered myself bi for long time. But the last couple months it feels like it was only because I had this mental block that I’m not gay. Maybe because I still do sometimes desire an attractive girl? But once I admitted to myself I really like men a lot I’ve never wanted to be with a man more, emotionally as well as physically. I am finding myself looking at men more in public, finding more guys attractive and starting to come out to close friends. It feels amazing.
This is so true! Honesty is an important thing to every person and honesty to ourselves even more. For me, when I realized I'm gay few years ago (I was about 14 by that time), it was so sudden that it felt almost like a punch in the face. For almost a year after that, I struggled with this realization, trying to force myself to believe that I'm actually bisexual, although I deep down knew that I'm not attracted to women. I remember that I was in a pretty bad mental state by then, I was really shy and even though I was doing well at school, I had problems with communicating with other people a lot. Then I somehow managed to accept the fact that I'll never marry a woman, and since then things got much better. My shyness dropped a lot and I found a couple of beautiful friends that I can trust and be honest with, the same way I became honest with myself.
I think it's so funny that even after all these years this still works for me. My husband and I have both been out for more than 25 years--there's not a lot left on the self acceptance front. But still the sort of social aspect of being gay still lifts our spirits pretty dependably. Every once in a while we will still look at each other and say, almost in unison, "we should go do something gay!" I remember once when my husband was out of town for work--I really don't like it when he travels for work, I don't sleep well alone and I just generally miss him, and frankly if he's gone more than a couple of days I can get a little mopey. Well one evening two of our more flamboyant friends show up at the door to drag me out. Apparently my husband had called them and asked them to drag me out somewhere scandalously gay, like strippers and pink unicorns gay--which they proceeded to rather persistently do "for (my) own good". It was just what I needed. My husband's a wise man.
Congrats! Your story is a lot like my story- I wish for both of us to find happiness some day soon. I agree, coming out was liberating!
I’ve considered that I might be gay and not bi, but I just don’t think it’s true. I’ve looked back over my life to see if I’ve been faking it with women And I’m certain I wasn’t. I actually thought it would be exciting to be gay and part of me wanted it to be true, but I love women too much. I’ll just have to settle for bisexuality
It's similar for me as a woman. I've had a block towards the possibility of being just gay instead of bisexual. Something still holds me back form being entirely sure, but I'm sure I'll figure it out.
Some of mine is because I’m in a relationship now with a female I’m not out to. I am attracted to her but just tying to figure all this out.
Well I think self acceptance is important, whatever it reveals. Accepting myself as bisexual but sexually mostly gay has made me feel more relaxed with myself. I do not have to keep endlessly going through the self diagnosis and self analysis thing that literally frightens, confuses and ultimately paralyses my thinking with fear, doubt and self loathing. All of that crap isn't important anymore. Knowing who I am and being happy with it, is.
