Several girls from my cosmetology college are getting together in groups and taking road trips to a hair show together. By chance, my crush is going in my group. I don’t want to tell her my feelings before or during the trip next weekend. I don’t want things to be awkward if she doesn’t have the same feelings, and I think I’d be a great way to get to know each other first. (I know she’s gay and she knows I’m gay, so that’s not an issue.) She’s very shy though. I’m a little shy myself, but not like this. I noticed that she isn’t so bad around other people, it’s just me, and I’m afraid I’m scaring her away trying to just be friendly. How do I approach this trip? Any ideas for conversation topics? I noticed she likes to do interesting things more then talk. What should I do?
I understand completely your issue with talking to girls, especially quiet ones. I have the same problem. My best friend is like this too. By no means consider me anything like an expert on this topic, but at least in making friends and getting close to people, I’ve found the following helps: Make an effort to be around her a lot - not shadowing her, just somewhat close by. Maybe ask how she’s doing every once in a while. Those of us who prefer silence over conversation when the latter isn’t strictly necessary aren’t quiet because we hate people, but, often, because we find it hard to talk to others, so that makes it hard for them to talk to us. In fact, at least for me, there’s a strong desire to be loved and cared for - shyness doesn’t demonstrate a lack of that, but simply a lack of the ability to properly express that. Maybe it’s hard for us to talk to you at first - and likewise for you to talk to us - but hanging around shows you aren’t scared or off-put by our shyness, and at the same time that you respect our space and our need for peace and quiet. At the same time, don’t overdo it - you don’t want to come off as a stalker! - and whatever you do, don’t force a conversation. While the cautious, respectful presence of someone who seems friendly and genuinely interested in getting closer to you, despite your shyness, can be comforting, having someone who’s always trying to chat when you’re an introvert is quite the opposite. Be both encouraging and non-threatening. Show her that if and when she’s open to it, you’d be interested in getting a bit closer. You said she likes to do more than talk. Suggest things to her that sound interesting and maybe ask if she’d like to do them together. If she’s doing something on her own, you can try approaching her and asking what it is - be interested and curious - and ask if you can try it with her, if it’s an activity that allows for that, and if you don’t object yourself. Beware, though - as above, back off if she seems to be uncomfortable or not in the mood to share her space at the moment. It doesn’t necessarily mean she doesn’t like you, just that she isn’t ready at the moment to open up that far. If all else fails, and she seems to be getting self-conscious, upset, or closed-off no matter what you do, try to find ways to respectfully compliment her next time you speak with her. Some, though not all, quiet people are quiet partly because they’re afraid the other person secretly doesn’t admire, respect, or like them, so they become afraid to let themselves out around those people. If you can give her encouraging comments about things she does or things she likes - “hey, I love that book too!” or “wow, you played violin? That’s so cool - I wish I could play a musical instrument” - you’ll be that much closer to gaining her trust and showing that, yes, you’re genuinely interested in her as a person, and open to being friends, maybe more, if time goes on. Plus, these sorts of comments make great conversation topics if you’ve had trouble getting beyond small talk in the past! Since I and my best friend are both quiet people, I’d like to think I understand the weird world of introverts fairly well. I am, however, just one girl, and I really can’t speak for every special lady out there. If the above doesn’t work for you, I’m afraid I’m fresh out of ideas, but regardless, I’d love to hear how things go for you and see if anyone else can help you better! I read your story in brief a few days ago and was excited to hear how it turned out, and I apologize for not writing this post sooner. Now that I have, I’d just like to finish by saying good luck, and I can’t wait to read the results - if and when you should decide to post an update, of course!
It’s been such a busy week since the trip! But I’m back and while there’re was no magical moment where we suddenly clicked and now we’re girlfriends and everything is great (though that would have been ideal ;P) I’ve noticed that she’s more comfortable in my presence. She talks to me more, made a few jokes and I feel like we are a lot closer. The trip provided a few opportunities for me to be there for her, and show that I cared. And boy do I care! I learned more about her personality and I’m totally head over heels. She’s shy and sweet but so independent and capable and strong. Now that we’re back, we’ve talked a little more then usual and I don’t sense reservation from her. We did stay in a little apartment with six other girls and one bathroom together. We went to he beach, sat in hot tubs, drank, did other crazy and totally fun stuff together that you’d typically do more with friends then six random girls from your school. Though today I accidentally hit her in the head with a broomstick during cleanup at school. So, fml. I think I apologized like four times but I don’t know how I’m going to recover from that.
