Hi, The last few weeks have been progressive and regressive. So far I have come out to my mother and, as of a few days ago, 9-year old sister, and they are mostly supportive. I can see some hesitation to accept me in both of them. It’s completely normal for them to be that way, and I think no less of them for it, but the “transgender tests” that my sister administers are making me feel bad about myself. I know she has no malintent, but when she says things like “Would you wear a dress to school tomorrow if I gave you one?” and I respond with “I have too much anxiety to jump into the deep end like that,” she tells me that I’m not transgender. I don’t know why I take her opinions so heavily — after all, she’s nine — but it sort of echoes a sentiment that I feel about myself already. After all, when you see so many people telling stories of how they’ve known since they were four or five and how they are ready to transition whenever they get the opportunity, it makes you feel like a fake transgender to have just examined yourself enough to know that you are transgender and hesitate to transition because of social anxiety. Throughout my childhood I never liked things that were hallmarks of either gender — I didn’t like princesses, but then again, I was never a very creative kid and didn’t like sports either— rather finding my passion in academics and computers, both of which I feel to be gender neutral passions. I went through an exercise clothes phase for about three months in fourth grade, mostly because my crush was too, but since then and before then I always wore more conservative clothing. Throughout the last six months, there have been two occasions on which I wore anything else than jeans and a sweatshirt. I don’t necessarily feel bad about my fashion choices, as it’s not necessarily masculine, but I do love coat shopping for men’s coats, not that my mom would ever let me buy a women’s coat. I really just wish I could have identified with this issue two years ago so that I could’ve gone on puberty blockers, but it’s too late for that and irreversible procedures like estrogen scare me. However, I do think that I will take estrogen at some point because I feel like lesbians and straight guys deserve better than a masculine looking woman. Are these fears normal? Do you think that, for lack of a better word, I am a real transgender and that I’m not lying to myself? I think I am, but reassurance or disagreement is always helpful. Sorry for the horrendous grammar, Cert
Hello Cert, Congratulations on coming out! There is no formula for being transgender. You cannot add up x many friends you've had of the opposite sex, multiply that by Y many non-traditional toys/activities you preferred as a child and then take the age-you-discovered-yourself-th root of the whole thing; assuming the higher your score the higher your transness. Unfortunately, it's not that simple. The age at which you recognize your gender identity has no bearing on that identity. You can be trans at five; you can be trans at ninety-five. The "hallmarks" of gender only go so far as our preconceptions of those gendered items/activities go. Maybe we just like certain things, maybe we like them because they represent our preferred gender. How can we tell? Well... Your identity is who/how/what you are internally. It is only something you can determine. We can guess about you based on your history, passions, and preferences, but it doesn't necessarily produce a valid answer. Don't think about what or how you did things as a kid, but consider how you felt about them. I'm going to play off your metaphorical language here: if you know how to swim, you still may not know what lies within the water. There could be something dangerous, and if that makes you nervous, it doesn't make you any less of a swimmer to wade in slowly, rather it just shows you are more cautious because you recognize the risk. Social anxiety is not an argument against being transgender. It took me months to finally break out my new wardrobe, and even now I'm still afraid to wear a tie around certain people. Some are rather dashing, I must say. Yes. You'll likely go through a phase of doubt, as you seem to be doing so presently, which can fluctuate and will probably fade once you become more confident with your identity. Most trans people have these fears because to be transgender is to be the "other" in society; we are told it is abnormal, and therefore we question ourselves. First, there is no such thing as a "real transgender." Experiences vary. Second, only you can make that determination. How would remaining as your assigned birth gender feel to you? Does it make you unhappy? Uncomfortable? How would transitioning to your preferred gender feel to you? Does it excite you (yes, it can scare you as well)? Your identity is completely up to you. I think the more important question is, what do you plan to do about it?
You deserve to be loved / liked for who you are. And even monosexual people can like people with gender expression and / or some physical features that are closer to the opposite gender. Ex, a tall athletic woman with large shoulders. If you wanna change something (gender expression or the body), do it for yourself. A masculine woman is not "worse" btw. It's a matter of tastes. Imo, true attractiveness is a mixture of feminine and masculine, whatever the gender; it's surprising, mysterious, original, authentic.
Let's change your sister's question around and ask it differently. If you woke up as female would you wear a dress to school?
Just about the title I felt the same way a few days ago like I kept asking myself questions to see if this is something I really want it’s so hard ahhh..! But once you find yourself I’m sure it’s the best thing
I don't think that a lot of cisgender people get that there is not just one way to transition. The media tends to show one type of transitional narrative, and that is the one that people now use to judge if somebody is transgender or not. Just because you don't fit that narrative, this does not mean that you are not transgender. It just means that you are taking the time to do your transition at the speed that you are comfortable with.
