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Moving On After An Unhealthy Relationship

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Helios, Apr 19, 2018.

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  1. Helios

    Helios
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    Late summer of last year, I had my first relationship.

    She was pan, poly, genderqueer, my best friend's gf, and we seemed to click almost instantly. The relationship was pretty good, though she moved super fast. At first I tried to keep things slow but then finally just let myself go with the flow. After all, what's the worst that could happen? Was actually something I told myself.

    Then we had sex. My first time in general, her first time with another woman.

    And that's when she realized she wasn't sexually attracted to women. (or whatever reason she uses now, as she always had a different theory)

    What followed was five months of a ridiculously emotional on and off again relationship and my ignoring every red flag in hopes that things would work out. Tensions would build over issues, she'd feel guilty, we'd break up though I didn't want to, she'd suddenly want to get back together. I felt like I was having to compromise the majority of my desires and wants for a relationship to make things work and it still wasn't enough. She never really seemed to know what she wanted and was always trying to come up with different things to fix it and even if they worked at first, she'd quickly figure out she didn't want that and it just made things worse. (example: Wanting me to be in a triangle relationship with her and my friend, who I'd had a bit of a crush on, then as soon as I became okay with it and wanting that as well, ending it because she became jealous)
    I also became pretty passive-aggressive. Both her and my friend were also my roommates and seeing their relationship work out so well while ours just kept going downhill didn't help. Didn't feel like I could really talk to her without something bad happening, so I started stuffing my feelings but they came out other ways.

    Eventually I became so hurt and passive-aggressive that it became too much and they made me move out earlier than planned.

    We're all close enough that we're still trying to be friends and it's kind of working. Sometimes I feel like I move on but then something reminds me of everything and then all the hurt and anger and bitterness just rises back up and I'm not sure how to really deal with it. It's embarrasing writing all this but not sure what else to do.
     
    #1 Helios, Apr 19, 2018
  2. Sawyer

    Sawyer
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    it's difficult in your situation because you are still friends with them, but as someone who has been in an unhealthy relationship, the best way to move on from it is to cut off all contact.

    It's hard at first, but it gives you time to process all your feelings, so if you guys end up back in each other's lives, your heart will have had time to heal from the yo-yo-ing of your feelings. That happened with me and an ex. I didn't have closure, so by the time she reached out years later, it was either going to be a rekindle, friends, or the closure I needed to move on. It ended up being the closure, only because I realized the second time I met her, that I deserved better. From what you said, you deserve better too.

    If you want to pursue a relationship down the road, use this as a teaching tool. I am now in a healthier relationship. There are still some red flags for me, just minor things that aren't deal breakers, that keep my guard up (but it's hard dating when one is in the closet). But I am still treated 1000000x better than my ex ever treated me in the 3yrs I dated her compared to the 1yr now.

    The choice is yours, but it is possible to move on. You just need time.
     
    #2 Sawyer, Apr 20, 2018
    Richard321 likes this.
  3. Helios

    Helios
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    One of the hard parts about cutting off contact, is that I don't want to because I do see her as a friend, but also because I promised I wouldn't do something like that :/ But maybe that's what I should do...

    I'm sorry to hear you had a bad experience as well. It's great you found someone better! ^^ Sharing experiences like that can give people hope.

    Thank you.
     
    #3 Helios, Apr 22, 2018
  4. Sawyer

    Sawyer
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    Each situation is different, generally cutting off contact works but it may not work for everyone. I guess the real test is what you feel when you see/talk to her. If it's more than friends and you still have romantic feelings towards her, or even negative feelings about what went down--then maybe just lessen the contact. Not too sure who generally reaches out to who first or if it's equal, but if say, you were the one always reaching out, try stopping and see what happens?

    It's really hard to say because generally people advise on what has worked for them or people they know who have gone through similar situations. Best of luck to you.
     
    #4 Sawyer, Apr 23, 2018
  5. anniesims

    anniesims
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    i kind of wonder if shes controlling? i was with someone once who really screwed with my feelings. shed push me away snd reel me back in. she wanted to stay friends and I usually dont have a problem with that but with the way she abused my feelings and trust over and over I wanted to take that control away. I had to see her now and again at work but otherwise was the best thing I did and realized i didnt need her in my life. sorry you are dealing with this. it sucks I know. be good to yourself and try to figure out what really may be best.
     
    #5 anniesims, Apr 23, 2018
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