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Problems with friends

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by starmotive, Apr 21, 2018.

  1. starmotive

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    I have feelings for my best friend. I told her and she doesn't like me back. We're still friends and I've been trying to move on but it's been rough. I'm away at college and I've been trying to get her to come visit before I go back home, and her reason is always her mom being annoyed, her mom not letting her, etc. I felt like we were finally getting somewhere when she told me that she had gotten permission and I was waiting for her to tell me when she was going to come, when all of a sudden she flat out stopped answering me for a whole day. And when she finally resurfaced she just said that she had 'checked out'. Then she didn't answer me again for a whole day. I didn't want to bother her because I was worried that something bad has happened so I tried asking a friend back home if they knew if anything was wrong and they said that they didn't think so. Then all of a sudden the girl I like comes back online and sends me a screenshot of the friend I had asked asking her if she was alright. Like wtf why is she answering the friend but not answering me... And then she told me that her mom was unhappy so she's no longer allowed to come over.

    I get the impression that she doesn't really want to come over but that she's just playing along because she doesn't want to tell me to my face?

    And I feel betrayed by both of my friends because she answered the friend but not me. And also because the friend keeps rubbing it in my face that they're hanging out etc. when the friend knows full well what happened. I know they're in the same city and obviously that means they're bound to be closer than I am with them but I feel so jealous and I hate it.

    I had asked the friend to stop telling me about stuff that they do with the girl I like because I didn't like the way it made me feel, but I can't exactly ask the girl I like to stop talking about other friends without explaining why...

    I feel so conflicted about everyone and everything. I'm at a loss over what to do :frowning2:
     
  2. Gravity

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    Sticking with the friend you have the feelings for, for the moment - why do you think you are continuing to have feelings for her if she told you it wasn't going to work out? What do you feel like you want (even if you won't get it) from her?

    Also, you mention at one point that both of these friends are in another city. What sort of friends do you have in the place where you live right now? Are any of them lesbian or otherwise LGBT?
     
  3. starmotive

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    Because the things I love about her are still part of her. Even though she doesn't like me back, those aspects of her are still very real and I can't just turn that off. Realistically I know it would not have worked because she's not present enough in my opinion, but I wish she would be there for me. I want to cuddle with her. She's the one I want to talk to good day or bad. In all honestly I'm not even sure I wanted a 'relationship' with her. I think I might be asexual, but I'm not sure. I guess the best way to put it would be I want her as a squish and I still see a future with her.

    I don't really have friends where I live right now. I've only got a few classmates that I'm closeish with. One of them is bi, but other than that I've got no one.
     
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    I wonder if your current situation, in not having many friends where you live, is contributing to this. It's difficult to go through life long term without any social connections nearby - perhaps you should ask your classmate who's bi if they would be interested in hanging out sometime. Maybe there's some specific event you wanted to check out that they could go with you to. Or of course you could always ask other people.

    Do you think you would be comfortable trying to spend some time with people where you live now?
     
  5. starmotive

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    I understand you are trying to help and I don't mean to shoot down your suggestions, but I'm not comfortable hanging out with people where I am now, that's why I don't really have friends. Most people here speak a language that is my fourth language so I'm not all the comfortable socializing in that language. It makes it hard when I don't always understand what people are talking about and don't get the inside jokes. I have 'hung out' with the friend who is bi before but I feel like she is judging me hardcore for not being able to move on... I understand that I need to move on, but with it being the first time I've had feelings for anyone and the fact that we're still friends is making things a bit trickier I think. Or maybe I just don't want to let go... I feel at a loss for what to do but I'm also finding it really hard to listen to people's advice :sweat:
     
  6. Gravity

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    That's okay if you're not comfortable with that right now - it might be something to keep in mind for the future, but if you're not ready, you're not ready. :slight_smile: However, a lack of any other attachments where you are might be a big factor in not being able to let go of this situation with your friend.

    You mention the language issue - what brought you to your current location? Was it a job, school, or something else? If they brought you there, is there any chance that they offer any services such as counseling or other kinds of support? Or are there other people there who speak languages you're more comfortable socializing in? Perhaps you could seek out some counseling (if that's offered through your institution/employer/etc.) or look for people with whom you have more in common. Even if not spending lots of time together and building deep friendships, being around people speaking a common language can be comforting.

    Otherwise - why do you think it's been hard to listen to people's advice?
     
  7. starmotive

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    I'm here for school. I've been seeing a psychologist but that service is only offered in the other language so it doesn't make for the most effective sessions... The bi friend I mentioned earlier as well as another friend speak to me in English, but I don't feel close enough to them to really be me, if that makes sense.

    For one, I find it hard to listen to other people's advice because most of it has been 'you can't be friends with her anymore' or people completely glossing over my feelings for her as if they aren't real. I guess I find it hard when I hear things I don't want to hear or when I don't feel like I'm being listened to. Another reason would because a part of me doesn't want to let go and by following advice that's exactly what I'd be doing, I think.
     
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    While I do think that it's very difficult to stay friends when one person has rejected another - either in the form of a breakup after a relationship, or in some cases, in the form of stating a lack of interest in a relationship - the choice of what to do with this person after that point also has to be your own. Maybe the answer is finding a way to remain friends - assuming she is interested in that. Maybe the answer is accepting that a relationship didn't happen, and moving on to other people.

    But, I think, either way you come at it, branching out and meeting other people, and forming other friendships, is going to be a component of moving forward here. If you stay friends, she can't remain your only friend, and supporting you in all things from a long distance - that's both not possible and not fair to ask of someone. And if you didn't remain friends, then of course you'll still need to branch out at some point.

    Language might be an issue, and if so, then I would encourage you to find a way to connect with psychologist or other people who do speak a language you're comfortable with. Since you're there for school, maybe it would be a good idea to think about transferring to a different one, where there will be more resources and community for you. But, eventually, you will have to choose to seek out these changes if you want them.

    Since you mention it, what do you think you're not being listened to about?
     
  9. starmotive

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    She has said that she wants to remain friends and that 'nothing has changed'. Maybe for her nothing as changed, but for me I don't think it's fair to say that everything is as it was before. I do want to remain friends but at this point I'm not sure what the right thing for me is...

    With most of my friends I don't feel listened to when for example I say I am sad or any other emotion. We might talk about it for a minute or two but then they will forget about it. Or after the initial rejection, what I was feeling just got brushed under the 'everyone feels that way' umbrella. Or if I say there's something I want to talk to them about (i.e. something that's bothering me, something that happened between us, etc.) I don't feel like I'm being taken seriously.