I'm so sorry this is long, I tried keeping it concise, but relevant details and feelings pumped up the wordcount. I'm a gay guy in an exclusive polyamorous relationship with two other great guys. Just because this is the internet and I'm looking for some help without bringing them into it, I'll refer to them as Quin and Ash, but those aren't their names. Quin and I have been together for five or six years. About three years ago, we had the conversation about our polyamory, and, in time, we met Ash and have been a complete trio for almost two years. Complicating things, however, Ash had plans with his best friend (an ex-boyfriend) to move to out of state and find jobs in a particular bigger city. We met Ash the Summer of 2016 and he moved that December, but we all agreed to the LDR, and even though Quin and I are still living where we started, our trio has remained together just fine. Navigating polyamory, which was pretty new to all of us, and all the related feelings takes time, but on top of that, a distanced relationship can pile on the insecurity. Pretty early on, I clocked my insecurity with Ash being away, living and sharing a friendship with his ex, eventually getting a job with his degree (compared with my single year of college before dropping out), and his body which doesn't necessarily match some stupid standard, but has always seems more objectively attractive than mine. These were there early, and over the years we've been together, they've been discussed and mulled over before. I'm pretty aware of my feelings, and I make it a habit to voice them whenever I'm bothered, because at least then they're part of a wider reality and I can work with them. Alright. So the issue. This past week, Quin and I visited Ash and his roommate in the City (our second time there) and his fairly regular trips to the gym had done some good work on him. Now, the three of us are not muscular, not particularly athletic. Quin and I don't go to the gym. There are several reasons for this. Quin, for one, gets socially anxious. On the other hand, I have HCM, which is an inherited heart condition that makes physical activity potentially dangerous. And beyond this, Quin and I lack the income to afford much more than our rent and basic necessities, let alone a membership. So we leave it. Anyway, out of the three of us, I'd be the first to be called skinny, but none of us have abs or flat tummies. We aren't even particularly attracted to that, but we all, in some sense, subscribe to the beauty standard for gay men -- it's hard to shake. But besides that, the main thing was that I noticed how much firmer and rounder Ash's butt was, and that, at the time, made me mildly jealous, but I was enjoying being with him, and I didn't dwell much. But now Quin and I are home, and Ash mentioned being at the gym, which always brings the same feelings up. But this time, I remembered how he looked on our visit, and it sort of got to me worse this time. The thing is, I dont think I just have a body image issue. When i've been single, I haven't felt bad about myself this way (although it's been six years). I get this way in relationships, and I feel like the motivation behind my envy is that I hate not to be just as objectively attractive as the person I'm with. It makes me want to make myself better, and maybe if I had a different heart, I would, but as it stands, if I were to exercise for the body I want, I could make my heart worse (not really keen on getting a valve replaced before my 30s), or have a heart attack. But even then, I know all the motivation is wrong, because I shouldn't want to look good (the kind of good that media says is good, not even the good I already rationally know I am) just because my partner looks good (in that way). It's severe enough that i can't fully enjoy Ash's progress in the gym because I'm constantly comparing myself to him and wanting to be better. When he says he wants a flat tummy, I try to suggest, in some way, that he keeps his tummy the way it is because at least then (the warped way it is in my head) I have something I don't need to worry about measuring up to. I'm not always feeling this way. There are plenty of times that I'm good with my body. But when I hits, I don't want my body, or I don't want to be in the relationship because then I wouldn't be comparing, or I consider fishing online for validation (which, to an extent, I've done, although not nude or anything). But I feel guilty for all of that. Then at the same time, if I steel myself to try and get the body I really want, what can I do with my body that I don't want if the heart in it won't let me do the things I need in order to make it look that way I do want?
