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Boundaries with my parents

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by RainydayTofu, Apr 7, 2018.

  1. RainydayTofu

    RainydayTofu Guest

    Hello,

    Recently I have been tormented by feeling that I am holding myself back by always seeking approval from my parents.

    TL;DR: How do I get the courage to be me, not my parents' ideal version of me?

    I live with my mom and dad (only child) and I'm 24. I pay them an amount each month and help with stuff around the house e.g. cooking, cleaning.

    I've generally had a good relationship with my parents, especially since mid-teens onwards; we don't argue/shout etc. like a lot of families seem to. But, lately I have been wondering if my constantly seeking approval from them is holding me back, and not helping my mental health.

    Here're two examples:

    1.) Whenever I go out for a drink with friends, if it gets past say, 10pm, I'll start fretting that I ought to be back home, and can't enjoy the rest of the night. Sometimes, I leave early. My parents have never set a 'curfew' with me (which is odd; they were much stricter than my friends' parents [from my perspective]), but I worry what they'll say to me the next morning about me staying out late. I don't always drink when I go out, even, and when I do I don't go crazy with it. Also, before I go out I'll ask my parents "Is it OK if I go out, is that alright with you? I won't be late.". They always say it's OK, but I wish they'd explicitly say so, instead of being all 'meh' about it.

    2.) Yesterday, my mom and dad planned to go out somewhere, just to another town nearby that has more stuff to see/do than the small town where we live. They asked if I wanted to go and I said "Not sure...maybe..I'll see". It wasn't a big trip that required forward-planning, and they're both the spontaneous type. Today, my friend text me to go out with him, so I agreed, and told my parents "Thank, but no thanks". I kept apologising like mad to them, like I always do with this kinds thing. I just wanted them, more than anything to say "No worries, of course it's OK- 24-year-olds aren't supposed to hang round with their parents!". But they're so 'meh' about it, like I said before. My mom is always pressuring me to socialise with them, and while I do get on with them both, I feel like I'm taking the easy option and staying as a child, instead of becoming my own person (I'm not out to them as gay BTW).

    Well there are two examples. Every time I fail to live up to their wishes I feel wracked with guilt for the rest of the day. I'm always apologising to them about everything.

    I don't know if they do this on purpose (I'm not saying "How do I change my parents"; I'm asking more like "How do I get the courage to be me, not their ideal version of me?").

    I feel guilt for all the things they've done for me in the past. I wish I could dump a big load of money on them and say "Here! Thanks for everything, now I will be me from now on!". I don't mention to them when I am depressed anymore, or anxious. When my mental health is not great (like now) they (particularly my dad) prefer to ignore me, or get angry with me. I am sorry I caused them trouble in the past through depression, and God if there was a way to go back in time and keep it secret from them I would!

    I think Iove my parents, even if I don't I certainly owe them a lot. I'm an only child so I ought to keep good relations with them, as there wouldn't be anyone else to look after them if they get ill when they're older. I'd love to move out into my own house one day- it's a massive dream of mine actually, but I feel so scared to even do research on affordable options. You can see why I haven't come out to them! I think I may be able to though if I had some physical space between me and them, and I wasn't a guest in their house anymore. I just feel like my parents don't really actually know me, if you know what I mean?

    I'm not sure if I've written this very well/clear, so if you want more information, please ask. I know people on the internet can't find a solution for me; I'm really asking if anyone has experienced/is experiencing this too, or advise what I could do.

    I haven't posted on EC for a long time, as I always seemt to get upset by people's comments, or get into arguments. Just typing all this made me feel pretty panciky, so if you can see anything I've written that offends people or makes me seem whiny, please please please tell me! I don't come on here to make enemies.

    Thank you,
    J
     
  2. RainydayTofu

    RainydayTofu Guest

    Just to add:

    I've been to two therapists in the past and something they both picked up on (without any prompting from me) is how I was extremely reluctant to say anything bad or critical about my parents. I just couldn't.
     
  3. RainydayTofu

    RainydayTofu Guest

    Wow... so many replies :frowning2:
     
  4. 21zephyr

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    There is a lot to digest here.

    First, it’s a positive that you have such a good relationship with your parents, not everyone has that. Because you both obviously love each other, your decisions to move or come out might not be as bad as you think.

    I know people will say it’s unhealthy to live with your parents in the situation you have, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do to survive.

    My advice- take some baby steps to separate from them. When they go out of town, stay home and be guild free. That’s the one thing that jumped out for me- the guilt you feel when you feel you are letting them down.

    You don’t have to have a million dollars to move on your own. Find something small and reasonable and as you get stronger financially you can upgrade.

    Because you are the only child, you and your parents are each other’s lives. You both are scared to let go because you have a deep love for each other. It’s good for both of you to experience some separation from each other- that doesn’t mean you have to stop loving each other.

    Make a plan to find something on your own. Discuss how you feel with them, it doesn’t have to be a fight, just let them know how you feel. I’m sure they want what’s best for you.

    Finally, when you find a partner that will add to the separation difficulty. It’s best to start being more independent before you get serious about someone.

    BTW, I will offer you advice, but I won’t argue or demean you. This site should be a safe place for you to share what’s real without getting overly criticized.
     
  5. RainydayTofu

    RainydayTofu Guest

    Thank you for replying, I really appreciate it. I know you also posted on my question on another forum but I still need to read all the responses there.

    Sorry, I know there was a lot to go through- I wanted to make sure all the facts were there.

    Yes, you're right- guilt guilt guilt is a lot of what I feel all the time. At the moment I 'm trying to get a new job, so I probably won't look for accomodation just yet. It feels like I've got a lot on at the moment, and all while trying to be less mentally screwed-up, but that seems to be taking my whole life to fix *sigh*

    I hope I can get things sorted soon, so I can maybe find a partner. Being 24 and still single makes me feel sick to my stomach to be honest.

    Sorry to be so negative, not feeling very good today but I know you've given me some good advice so I wanted to respond :slight_smile:

    When you said [QUOTE/]BTW, I will offer you advice, but I won’t argue or demean you. This site should be a safe place for you to share what’s real without getting overly criticized.[/QUOTE] was there anything in my writing that might have been offensive? Sorry, I really wanna know just in case.

    Thank you!
     
  6. 21zephyr

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    When you said [QUOTE/]BTW, I will offer you advice, but I won’t argue or demean you. This site should be a safe place for you to share what’s real without getting overly criticized.[/QUOTE] was there anything in my writing that might have been offensive? Sorry, I really wanna know just in case.

    *You wrote nothing offensive, I was just telling you this because you said you were previously on EC and were upset by people’s comments. I wanted you to know I support you and would never judge you.

    Just start taking some small steps and soon you will see progress. Keep in touch and know you have a lot of worth!!!!
     
  7. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    I think your therapist hit the nail on the head: it sounds like there's an unwillingness on your part to actually address the issue with your parents and acknowledge their contribution to how your relationship with them works. This comes from a place of "not good enough" within you, which comes from shame. So, too, does getting anxiety over the possibility of posting on an online forum and fearing negative replies.

    So I see it as a twofold issue: First, you need to explore the "not good enough" that's going on for you. I am a strong advocate of Brené Brown's work in this regard; she has three TED talks (Power of Vulnerability; Price of Invulnerability; Listening to Shame) that I recommend watching to get an overview of the issue. Second, you need to have a real conversation with your parents and directly address all of the things that are bothering you. If you're still seeing the therapist, this is something your therapist could help you with, and could be done in the therapist's office.

    I think the fact you're thinking about it and talking about it here is a good first step.