What should I do...

I am keen to start joining online dating apps to meet women but am keen to hear people's thoughts on a number of issues I have.

A couple of years ago I had mental breakdown brought on by bullying at work due to my sexuality, people thought I was gay and so seemed keen to out me. This lead me querying my sexuality myself and questioning people around me which let me having suicidal thoughts and a psychotic episode.

I am pleased to say I am in a much better place, I take daily anti-depressant medication which levels me out and has reduced any social anxiety I previously experienced. I feel healthier physically and mentally and feel I have a lot of love to give and keen to meet someone.

Throughout my teenage and adult life I have been attracted to women this has never changed, but I am aware that I am not straight but have never had a homosexual experience and in all honesty have no aspirations to do so.

I have only had one real girlfriend about nine years ago, but in that time I have had one night stands or casual flings with eight women.

Last year I came out to my Mum and Sister explaining how I felt and they both feel that I am not gay and that I am overanalysing what people think of me in social situations.

I also came out to my line manager at my next workplace due to what I previously experienced identifying myself as "queer", but I won't be doing this again. I was trying to use it as an umbrella term as I clearly do not identify with the term gay, but odd situations and conversational topics soon after made it obvious that something said in confidence had been spread around the office like wildfire.

For the majority of the population in the UK sexuality is black or white, you are either gay or straight, there is no middle ground. If you mention the Kinsey Scale they are likely to think it is a set of musical notes or a mathematical formula.

In the past I have been bullied by gay people frustrated by my supposed closetness and straight people annoyed by my "fake" interest in women.

I also came out to probably my closest friend and this is where I believe I have a problem.

If I had said I was gay to him it wouldn't be an issue, but the fact that I have aspirations to continue dating women and potential start a relationship with a woman pisses him off.

Though none of my other friends have directly said anything I get a strong feeling he has relayed these fears to other people.

I know if I do start dating what I have said to him is going to be hanging over me with which ever woman I start a relationship with.

Now I know that sexual orientation is a delicate issue and reading some people's messages on these boards it can feel like going through hell. I think this forum is a fantastic place and it has helped me no end over the last few years.

However if I was woman I don't think I would have this issue.

Just the way society is, a women who regards herself as bisexual, demisexual, heteroflexible, pansexual etc. to a male is seen as exciting, traditional alpha males sit in front of their laptops and computers watching lesbian porn with sexual fantasies of threesomes.

So if a woman puts this on their online dating profile I doubt their number of matches will change, however as a male though I am being open and honest I am instantly reducing my number of potential partners.

Due to general ignorance, presumptions and tired clichés I am going to be judged before I have been seen in the flesh and a word has come from my mouth.

This is why I feel I am better off not being initially open about it, never tell anyone at work as it is none of their busy anyway and date women and only tell them if I feel there is any longevity in the relationship.

This maybe seen as untrustworthy, but I feel that I have tried to be honest and open in the past and had it thrown back in my face.

I've got so much love to give and I'm not being allowed to show it.

 

I'm just messaging again to encourage any viewers to reply. I don't mind whether a positive or negative comments it's just good to hear other people's opinions on my situation. Thanks again to everyone on this forum.

 

Hi Jack,

I appreciate you responding to my message.

I find writing on the forum very cathartic, sometimes when you have face to face conversations with people I often find myself flipping between points and in the end not making much sense.

I suppose it becomes like a diary entry where I can take the time to think what I am trying to say and provide more clarity.

I was venting my frustrations in my initial post, thank you for your kind words and I will try and be a bit more relaxed about situations and not try and overthink stuff too much which as you can tell reading my thoughts happens a lot.

Thanks again.

 

Thanks Federico98.

Not to get to philosophical but at the end of the day that's all there is, all the tangible things, house, car, TV, phone etc. are all great short-term, but in life everyone just wants to love and to be loved.

If you've got that, everything else pales into insignificance.

It's one of the positive things about the internet, it has allowed me to converse with a guy from Napoli and feel that I'm not the only one who suffers with such anxieties. Thank you.

I wish you a positive 2018 Federico98 and hope you find a guy who gives you the love your looking for.