Accepting your sexuality - does all come down to your ability to dismiss your own negative thoughts?

I just think it’s different for everyone. The human brain and the way people think is very unique to each individual.

 

More questions than what I have time for. I'll address the word "dismiss".
Disclaimer: The following material is my onion(s) but with substantial research and observations.

"Dismiss" sounds like a logical effort. (dismiss in the brain, fact check needed.) Ones sexuality is dealt with via a complex cocktail in the brain, with major portions dealt within the emotion part of the brain. (sorry do not have brain region names, no time.) Emotion is very powerful. Emotion can at times over rule logic - this is why people kill someone in a rage.

Dealing with sexuality suppression causes "anger" and "hurt" and "confusion" and much more. See anything logical here? Nope. It all emotion baby. See why it's so hard?

 

I don't think you have to overcome or dismiss negative thoughts about your non-hetereosexuality in order to accept it. To me, acceptance means that you stop trying to control or repress it and you just say to yourself "it is what it is." You still might have negative thoughts about it, but you are no longer struggling to push it away or deny its existence. I think we all do this all the time ... if your plane is delayed you accept that fact because you can't control it ... but you're still not happy about it. I think acceptance of my sexuality is much easier than finding a basis to feel happy or proud about it.

 

Same here as you, the more comfortable I get the easier this is becoming. Being on here and seeing people’s responses to things is helping too because it’s nice knowing others are going through the same.

 

I don't know about you but I remember having a troubled romantic life from the start. Basically most of it happened in my head lol

I am familiar with the circle of doubt, self-reflection, becoming almost certain about an identity and then something happens or a thought comes and the certainty becomes doubt, feeding the vicious circle.

You've already got some good advice from other posters. I think coming to terms with your identity in general has more do with letting the realization or inspiration come to you. We all sense the truth deep down and know it but our mind usually wreaks havoc and doesn't allow the quiet voice of truth reach us. I think we all are close to it.

 

Acceptance for me, has been such a long process, and as I look back trying to figure out how I got so far into my current life, my head spins. All the times I refused to accept my gayness, while not being in denial to myself about how I feel, I can't wrap my head ahead around it in hindsight. I guess I just came to a point where I hit bottom and the realization I would never be the the ideal I daydreamed about being, I have nowhere to go but in search of the real me. I have a long way to go, but I see acceptance as both a victory and a defeat, and it's a matter of navigating the transition from trying to be where I thought I wanted to be, to where I am meant to be and learning to embrace the reality of my inner soul.

 

I think it comes with time. I freaked out a lot in the beginning, that omg, I'm not going to have children etc. But the feelings wore off and I realised that I never had control over my own fertility to begin with and that a lot of heterosexual people are infertile, and on the contrary, LGBT have children.

I also realised that if, for example, I knew I was a lesbian from the very beginning, I would not freak out about it, but accept it as it is, as something given : I love girls. And that it is the change that makes it so hard... this thought somehow made it easier to... reframe it. Time had the largest role, though. Becoming familiar with my bisexuality. Getting used to it. Accepting it as a fact of life. The most difficult moments were when I didn't know if I'm making it up or not. Now it's been several years since I noticed that and the evidence speaks for itself, so to say.

I wouldn't say it's about dismissing the negative thoughts, I agree with Chip that it's quite the opposite, it's about facing them head on.

 

To add something...
1. For me, not realising as soon as I realised heterosexual attractions, has to do with a. Not being presented with the possibility of being a lesbian b. Lesbians being portrayed as couples of lipstick lesbians in the media c. Hence not understanding what I am feeling d. Further not understanding, because I didn't think about physical or emotional intimacy as a result, didn't imagine things e. Not being a hypie - this is how I nicknamed people who act before they think. Also, not ever being properly relaxed and listening to my inner feelings. f. Being bi makes you think you are a proper hetero. Or that everyone is bi, just embracing one side of it. I definitely was convinced that everyone is really bi and just acting straight because culture, baby making etc.
I think I'm not unique and a lot of people share this experience, and what I wrote is to an extend a fruit of common reflection with another bisexual person who has had a similar experience.
2. I do think some people cope better or worse with the acceptance. In my opinion it has to do with your level of fear, ease acting on your thoughts, and thought retention rate, so to speak - some people forget more easily, others have thoughts that come back over and over again. Also, it chenges a lot whether your background is homophobic or not. It is for sure easier to be gay/bi and grow up in a liberal area in which you see gay couples and people being openly gay than in the Bible Belt where it is stigmatised.

 

@Richard321 I agree with this actually. I'm still in this process. And yes, they do keep coming up, if only because of what other people say (like remarks concercing sexual orientation or gender identity). Or because at some point you realize you react to something in a totally different way. Seeing one of your female colleagues get totally excited because we get another man at our workplace and asking yourself 'why is she is acting like a teenage girl?'. Then seeing all your other female colleagues react in exactly the same way and realizing it's you who is reacting differently. And then thinking about it and then realizing it's because you're bi. What do I care if our new colleague is a man or a woman, right? I actually slightly preferred it would be a woman again because I was afraid otherwise the dynamic in our group would change (we were all women except for one man from my first working day until this point in time). And then when they met him afterwards they were all talking about his looks. And I was just sitting there like 'Ok how do I respond to this?' because I didn't think he was that handsome but then again I like more feminine men so yeah I know my taste in men is different than most other women too, and in the end I just didn't say anything at all. I found it very confronting. I know it's because I've started to accept myself (which is of course a very good thing!) and that more situations like this will take place in the future and that I'm just gonna have to learn how to deal with them better. But I do believe it will get better and that's what matters in the end of course. It just takes some getting used too.

 

I've known I was gay as soon as I knew the word. I was, from the beginning, afraid of actually being gay instead of it just being a phase, but obviously I actually was exposed to my feelings after pushing them down for years, when one of my friends took an interest in me (a girl) and I realized the dread/excitement that I had feelings for her too.
I feel like logically I can get past everyone's bad arguments against homosexuality, like yes they are flawed, but in my mind it is still hard to just feel like I'm not being watched. I can't be affectionate without my skin crawling because I feel like we're being judged, even in my open, diverse city. I can realize that logically probably nobody is watching/cares, but still in my head I can't get rid of some fear, so I agree with brainwashed here..

 

A lot of good material written by Chip in his reply post - as usual. Thank you. The words "unconscious belief" caught my attention in the post. Why? Because I've been exploring this area, what I believe, through meditation and "reflecting on things" during exercise. (These are about the only two ways I know of on how to get at this material. (yes therapy would/may be another way.))

Much of what we think deep down comes from psychological scripting (As mentioned in the book Coming Out of Shame) when we are younger. There is a myriad of ways negative material comes to us. Much of it is automatic. Absent a USB port to the brain this material is very hard to obtain. Obtaining access to unconscious belief is key to understanding ones self.

I will close with: I've also been working on understanding "habits" which can operate automatically. I catch myself doing habits from the past all the time.

 

For me personally it wasn't negative thoughts that come with homosexuality but once you comeout my question was, was there a way back in? Like if I come out as bisexualy, have sex with a guy, and realise i didn't like it. Is there a way for me to be straight again, that is the question I was trying to answer and for me, it was a if you don't know for sure don't come out. Atleast that is what I did in my personal coming out.

 

This is leading to something. Read on.

Ah the heart of the post. I think your situation is, you are worrying about labels and what people think.

And "don't come out" , ah there goes a label again! Worse yet not opening up and making yourself venerable will impede forward progress - I know, I've been there.

You've got to accept that you are a complex human being and thus will engage in explore and discover to find your true self. Hard as it is, being completely open allows full emotional explore and discover as well.

 

Take a queue from Buddhist teachings, ~you are who you are, love yourself for who you are. (The ~ means these are my words from material I have learned) This is also called "loving kindness". Love yourself dude.

 

For me, yes. I was lucky enough to grow up in a home where I have several gay family members and no one was ever treated differently because of their sexual preferences. So in that sense, I was very fortunate to not have that sense of fear that my family would reject me or that I wouldn't be allowed to be who I am. But I am not out to anyone, so I do feel a little nervous, not because of how they'll react but more that I am sure it will take them by surprise. I haven't known I was bi for very long and I "seem" very straight because I have kept my changing feelings under wraps. So for me, the negative thoughts are not internal, I don't feel shame for my feelings, but more about how to cope with other people's negativity in the external world. I have honestly just had to accept that some people may never accept me, and sadly there is nothing I can do about that but hopefully try to change their mind. But I have to continue to live my life regardless.