Finally came out to immediate family

I went home to visit family and finally told my sisters I’ve been sort of dating women. When I told my mom, she cried and said she didn’t want to talk about it. My middle sister was accepting and said it makes sense. My older sister said she loves me, but she feels I’m looking for something I’ll never find. She then said she’ll pray I’ll find a man who I can love.

I wasn’t upset, but I ended up talking with someone, an older lesbian, about this. A few people have commented about how closed off I am and my middle sister said I’m prickly. This behavior hurts her since I don’t let people close. A lot of it is due to other situational stuff, but it did give me pause.

I asked said woman if being private or “prickly” would hurt me once I decide to settle down. For example, I started coming out back in 2013 and NO one knew. I process information very slowly and I hold my cards very close, hence why it took five years to tell my family. She felt it wouldn’t since I would draw the right person who will also be private.

Again, I’m not upset about my family. I expected this response l and was happy my middle sister was okay with it.

 

Hm, those are important things to think about.

Romantically, no. I’m very guarded and that’s been a huge complaint from exes. I also haven’t dated in over five years because the thought terrifies me. I just started again and I panicked. It was awful.

I’ve gotten very close with my two best friends, but it took a *long* time and patience. I’m extremely independent and my best friend jokes I just take off and sometimes she won’t hear from me for months. I’ve become more conscientious of that because I realized, years ago, how selfish and cruel that was. Now I warn her when I’m dropping off for a bit.

The woman I went out with I realized I came off as guarded. In my defense, she mentioned an ex though and I panicked even more. So, I texted her and said we didn’t need to talk anymore. A friend said when she met me she was terrified of me until she realized those were self defense mechanisms.
I think I’ve done it all my life and I’ve become more aware of it.

 

Thanks, although I kind of had to. Long story short, I had met someone a year ago and I thought it was actually something and one of my relatives found out. They went and told and rumors started circulating so I amended the rumors.

I think that was what upset me the most.

 

This is a really good question. I can’t get this woman out of my head and I think it was a two-fold situation. She mentioned missing her ex, which was a red flag to me. I, on the other hand, put up walls to keep her out. I wasn’t warm, I wasn’t engaging her, and I wasn’t telling her how I really felt— that I wanted to take it slow and be friends. As a result, I panicked, told her we didn’t need to see each other again, and never heard from her again. Ironically, in a huge metro city, I’ve seen her, but I don’t talk to her.
I’ve asked a few of my friends about my being standoffish since they said I come off cold and callous and then they get to know me and I’m not that way at all. Several said they figured out its a defense mechanism and a few said I intrigued them. But I want to stop doing this since it seems to ruin any potential for romantic relationships. I’ve been doing EMDR and I’ve had three sessions so we’ll see.
I also debated about contacting that woman again, but I don’t know. I’m also one of those who tends to cut things off and move on.

 

Sure, and thanks. I feel bad and self-conscious discussing these issues (although I have posted on here about them a little bit since I think the anonymity helps) because I think I'm being selfish. However, as with a therapy group setting, I hope that maybe these issues can help someone else, too.

I will try to be brief. And as a disclaimer I have sought therapy and continue to see a therapist.

My dad died when I was a baby, which sort off set a chain of events in my immediate family. My sisters reacted very viscerally to this, and my middle sister still has a lot of detrimental coping skills due to his death. My mom, however, has a lot of problems due to her own childhood abuse and my dad's death. She kind of abandoned us three girls, so my Grandma often raised us. My Grandpa was verbally and physically abusive. For the record, my mom still raised us girls, but was often hospitalized or wouldn't get out of bed for weeks. I love my mom very much and I don't blame her for her actions in my early childhood since she was hurting.
When I was about two or three, an older female began molesting me and continued to molest me until I was six. When I was eight, I was molested when a friend slept over. I firmly believe that these girls were molested themselves so I don't hold this against them, but this abuse coupled with my dad's death and my mom's behavior caused some serious consequences.
My sisters and I have talked about how we had to grow up really fast and become our mom's parent. My mom moved us around and struggled with depression and suicide ideation. Again, I hold nothing against my mom since she was in a lot of pain.
When I was ten, my mom remarried a man who was mentally ill (he has since passed away) and some other things happened due to that marriage, which I don't really want to get into. One positive thing that did come out of that marriage was that I told my family that I was molested. My mom immediately got me into therapy.
The first guy I started "dating" when I was twenty pretty brutally raped me-- forcibly held me down and seemed aware of what he was doing since he told me afterward that it "had been a while." I told my middle sister who wanted to take me to the hospital and get checked out, but I refused. When I began seeking therapy for sexual abuse, I learned that many adults who are molested as children are raped as adults due to unlearning healthy boundaries. So, after that, I didn't really date. I became so terrified that I would be raped, I became so hesitant to date anyone since my brain just automatically convinces itself that I'll be raped again. I have had two sort of relationships, but they were strange and a few friends feel they were unhealthy.
So, I haven't dated in over five years and I've been taking care of my sick mom, who got into therapy a year ago and realized she has PTSD. I'm from a very small farming community in the Midwest where I was indoctrinated in the thinking that I should get married and have kids. My mom is very supportive of me not getting married and not having kids. She is trying to be supportive of me dating women, which I appreciate and thank her for.

I'm very proud of how far I've come since I'm finishing up my PhD, I've held down long-term jobs and been successful in them (meaning I'm published and won awards), I have close long-term friends, and I'm happy. In therapy, I've done CBT primarily as well as mindfulness, some hypnotherapy, and I just started EMDR, which I really like. I don't find myself scanning the room for exits as frantically as I used to.
When it comes to romantic relationships, I feel like something shuts down and I am witnessing it happen, but I can't stop it. The real me goes away and I put up all of these walls in order to protect myself. With this last date, which was several months ago now, my brain was blaring, "she's gonna rape you! Get out of there!," which I have been told is the PTSD, while another part of me was saying, "why can't you just shut up and listen to her? Stop panicking."
Essentially, I don't know how to turn the panic button off, and logically it makes sense since every romantic encounter I've had has been traumatizing, and every sexual situation has resulted in trauma. In fact, every therapist I've seen since I've been an adult has validated this and has asked me what I want in a partner and I said, "Someone incredibly patient."

 

I just moved to this new city about nine months ago and have ventured out to some LGBT groups, although not any support groups. I’ve thought about it since in my previous state I was involved in several close groups. I do have friends here and they now know about the abuse and one in particular can tell when I’m panicking, but they’re all straight and coupled up.
As far as the girl, she actually came up on my FB and I friended her but she did not respond. I don’t read too much into that since it took one of my friends four months to friend me back and some people don’t use FB. I deleted her number (because I was panicking) but I’m not sure about contacting her.

Thank you for your really kind response! It’s frustrating because I watch my friends and it’s so easy for them, but I try to remind myself that I don’t know other people’s stories and so many people have it so much worse.

 

Of course. I think what bothers me is that I want to be supportive, and I do think I am, but I also worry that I am selfish. This thinking stems from silly things since my best friend doesn't see it this way, but it's hard to undo a lot of this thinking. It's difficult to explain.

To answer your last question, and again I hope this helps people, it depends on the situation. With J, she invited some friends (which made me wonder if she was also uncomfortable or overwhelmed) and her friend and I got to talking about the metoo movement. I generally am not triggered by talking about rape, but when I went to the bathroom, it suddenly dawned on me that I didn't know these people and I started to freak out in the bathroom. I considered leaving, which in my friend group I'm known for doing Irish exits because my friends know I freak out a lot. I also worried that perhaps our conversation had upset her, which in turn upset me that I wasn't being more cognizant. Getting up and leaving, thinking about the situation, and having space (sometimes months even) helps me. I know people who don't like this about me, but it's something I've learned about myself, so I tend to surround myself with friends who respect my need for distance. I need time and distance to process events, my emotions and reactions to things, and eventually see how I feel. I think this is one reason why I worry that I'm selfish.
In other situations, I need to remove myself entirely to have a full-blown panic attack and I can't return to the situation. These are a bit more dire and a bit more infrequent (maybe every few years now). I also have purposely worked on these types of situations in a controlled environment (ie therapy) so that they happen more infrequently and eventually never. The last time it happened, someone was telling me how their daughter self-mutilated and it was the exact same way I did when I was a child. I suddenly got up, started crying and panicking, said, "I need to go, I'm sorry," and left. My friend found me hunched over in the bathroom crying. I was able to recover relatively quickly, but it freaked several people out until I told them about what had happened and then I didn't return to the situation.

With my friends, if I feel overwhelmed in a situation, I go home and take care of myself. If I'm not with someone I feel safe with, that's when I sabotage the situation and panic since I don't feel safe. I should also note that it often takes a while for me to feel safe with someone, which I don't really like.

Actually, writing this out helps a lot! I can't thank you enough. These are things I know about myself, but I think writing them out and processing them helps me comprehend them a bit more.