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Really Dysphoric Lately

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Nike007, Apr 16, 2018.

  1. Nike007

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    I'm dysphoric about my body and how I appear to others. I have bad dysphoria about my chest mainly. I do bind, but I feel like it doesn't make my chest look that flat at all. As if I went from a C/D to a B/C. And I hate being gendered as female, and although I don't like being gendered as male, as I'm non-binary, I feel like I prefer it more than female at this point. I have cut my hair quite short to look masculine, and my mom thinks it does (she doesn't know I'm trans*, and doesn't like my hair because it looks masculine, but).

    I want to go on T for the social reasons of looking masculine, but not for the side effects of being infertile. I already have a medical condition (PCOS) that have increased my odds of not becoming pregnant, and I'm afraid that T would for sure ruin this. I'm non-binary, so this is why I want this. But there is other factors too, such as being with an infertile partner, being with someone of the same sex, or my medical condition getting worse I guess, which could mean that getting pregnant is impossible in the future. I don't want to pursue this now.

    I really want top surgery, and I know that this will realistically take 2 years or so if I start working on this now, but my dysphoria does not like this and wants it now. I really hate my chest.

    I rarely pass because I am pre everything and have a feminine voice, which I'm also working on.

    I don't know what else I can do for the time being. I dress masculine, I wear a binder, I go by a gender-neutral name, but is considered more masculine in Western countries.

    I do plan on trying to lose weight, as I am obese apparently (everyone says I don't look it, but I'm diagnosed by a doctor with it), and it's hard when I am in a depressive episode, which I currently am, and tend to eat too much. Plus I don't have control over what I eat, since I have a meal plan with my school, and I have to eat what is served, and it's generally unhealthy things. And also working out.

    I just hate this...
     
  2. LittleMouse

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    Afraid I can’t really offer a whole lot of advice, but can offer solidarity.

    As far as binding goes, I know it’s hard but remember cis guy’s chests aren’t totallly flat either. Looking down will always make your chest seem bigger than it appears to others. I know it is tempting to try anything but remember to stick with safer binding techniques, as unsafe binding can potentially impact on surgery results in the future.

    I don’t know much about the fertility side of things, but I do know it is possible for people who have been on T then take a break to become pregnant. Best to speak to a doctor about that though who knows your full medical history and perhaps has some experience of patients in a similar situation.

    Haircuts are a great place to start, would you consider trying anything different again? It can sometimes give you a little boost. Also, little things like underwear can make a huge difference, especially in situations where you maybe aren’t able to presentable you would prefer.
     
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  3. Nike007

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    Thank you. I have never binded unsafely.

    I have been thinking more and more about T, as my dysphoria is getting worse and worse as the days go by.

    I just got a new haircut and I do wear men's boxers already and it does help a bit. I feel like I don't pass that well at all.
     
  4. Mihael

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    Yeah... like... I never get it when someone on the internet complains so much about the bust, I have not such a small bust, I don't try to hide it, but some people still think I'm a dude? It's like, nobody is looking for the chest on purpose, if it stands out and attracts attention out of the ordinary, people will notice, and if not, then they'll forget about it. I also think the bust doesn't make too much of a difference and even my medium chest can sink in a loose top. An F cup? That is hard to ignore, but few people actually have that size and I'm not sure, surgical breast reduction might be medically advisable in that case because of chronic back pain... Sorry. Rant.

    But that being said, I can offer solidarity as well, binding doesn't work for me at all. I can bind flat, but I still look like a woman without boobs when I do, so it makes no sense at all. An alto voice doesn't help the case either. A female looks like a female, simply *shrug of resignation* And that being said, I'm happy to pass or confuse people about my gender even occasionally, because it is the most I can realistically expect, because it is simply difficult to pass for a cisgender person without HRT.

    As for PCOS or weight, I have no insight whatsoever.

    Well, it's up to you in the end.

    I guess that works for me? I mean, I don't even aim to pass this much, but I want to do masculine things for myself, because I feel like it, and the little things are real mood boosters. It's not a substitute for transition for me, it's exactly what I want and need, the small things. I have a need to express feeling masculine. Undies... nah, I dislike male undies, lol. But there is plenty of things you can do, up to your imagination. As for non-obvious suggestions, you can try cosmetics if you haven't already. Get a cologne. But you know, it's only my personal prefernce.
     
  5. Nike007

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    I personally don't like my chest. It is partially how it appears to others, but also to myself. I don't like it whether I'm alone or not. It's just I feel like it's there when it shouldn't be, as I assume all dysphoria is like. I don't like it when I look in the mirror and see my chest. It's hard at night when I don't bind.

    If you don't get it, it's fine. But for me, it's my biggest source of body dysphoria, feel judged by having it whether that judgement is from others or myself.

    I realize that passing won't work really unless I'm on HRT. I have passed a few times. I am trying work on the voice. I need to focus on it more.

    I have been doing the little things, and it has helped a bit.

    Thank you for the response.
     
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