I find myself in an interesting position when it comes to sexuality and myself. I know that I have desires towards men, that much is true. It is something that I cannot deny. And yet....there is this burning hate inside for other LGBT folks. I’ll try my best to put this into words, it’s tricky to unpack. It’s like, seeing LGBT in real life is unappealing to me. Like I want it to go away and be gone. Yet when it see it as a drawing or a cartoony way then it’s sweet and nice. I tend to read fan fiction a lot for shows (not really the explicit stuff, but more like the sweet stuff of admitting feelings). It’s like it’s ok in that context but horrid anywhere else. I’m very confused. I remember that in the fire emblem games I would play as the female since you could romance the males in the game. This sometimes translates into reality in that I wish I was a women so that I could be with a man. I tried to talk to it with my therapist but we didn’t really get anywhere. Not because he’s mean or anything but rather because we just could not nail down anything that would lead to actions to take. So here we are, hopefully someone can elucidate but if not then I understand. It sounds crazy hearing it out loud.
You have internalized homophobia and it is therefore distressing to you to see real LGBT love. Some things like cartoons are so far separate from reality that we don't always consider actions in them with the same rules. Like, we would.be disgusted by murder and war but in a cartoon they hardly bother us at all.
I agree that there's definitely a problem with internalized homophobia and probably a lot of shame. Have you read "The Velvet Rage" by Alan Downs? The author talks a lot about the core emotion of shame in a lot of gay men. It could be useful to read, or buy on Audible as an audiobook
