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What are signs that your attractions are derived from trauma?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by ellyy, Apr 17, 2018.

  1. ellyy

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    Does anyone have any idea how to tell if the "sexual attraction" you have towards a certain gender is a a genuine part of your sexual orientation or a fabrication of trauma? Or maybe, in some cases, they could be directly linked to each other?
     
    #1 ellyy, Apr 17, 2018
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  2. Silveroot

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    This is something I've pondered on for most of my teen years. I guess a licensed professional with expertise in areas such as post-traumatic disorders, sexual abuse and lgbt issues could give us more accurate answers.

    My own intuitive take on this is that one should check his levels of stress towards a relationship. If there's only fear and pain with no joy in it all, then that's when I'd risk saying it could be an attraction based on fear more than anything.
     
    #2 Silveroot, Apr 17, 2018
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  3. Chip

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    There are few incidences of trauma, even sexual trauma, altering sexual orientation. When they do occur, what you tend to see is an extreme fear or discomfort around people of the sex of the perpetrator, and a lack of true attraction/arousal to the opposite sex. (This is an oversimplification of a complex and nuanced issue, but gets the basic idea across.)

    In short, if you're looking at it as being gay is a byproduct of trauma, there's no credible evidence to support that idea, and even the few (really poorly designed) studies that made this claim have been retracted by their authors.
     
  4. SkyWinter

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    What's making you ask? Do you think that your sexuality is linked to trauma?
     
  5. ellyy

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    I have no clue if my sexuality could possibly be linked to trauma (but I worry that it is), or if, like Chip said, it's not likely.

    If
    it can affect sexuality, it probably doesn't have to be the biggest factor involved. Though it could still be significant enough that if the trauma never occurred, you would be straight. But again, that's just hypothetical. And who can say that this isn't how it was for me?

    I also haven't been sexually abused but I more or less have trauma from my parents. I can't help but wonder if my sexuality is linked in some way to all the negative ways my dad, especially, treated me. And if that's true, I also don't see how I could accept my sexuality as something that's "alright", as if it's in essence good when something bad factored into it. And therein lies my issue. And I have no idea how to get past that.
     
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  6. SkyWinter

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    So your dad treated you negatively. Are we talking about emotional abuse? Was he an absent dad? What would those things have to do with feeling sexually attracted to someone? Are you talking about sexual attraction towards women?
     
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  7. ellyy

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    Yep, I'm talking about sexual attraction towards women and little or no such attraction towards guys. I'd say both emotional abuse and being absent emotionally, not physically. And there's also been a disorganized attachment pattern. All those things make me wonder if they're part of the reason to why I am attracted to girls and don't seem to feel the same way about guys.
     
  8. Chip

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    I have never seen anything in the research about the sort of abuse you are describing having any influence on female sexual orientation.
     
  9. SkyWinter

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    When did the questioning of your sexuality start? Was it before, during or after your dad became emotionally absent/abusive?
     
  10. Chip

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    From what we know, that would have little bearing on the issue. When abuse does affect sexual preference, the abuse can predate any sexual awareness or acting out by many years.
     
  11. Silveroot

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    I have a question. Certainly abuse seems unlikely to make someone attracted to the same sex, but if one is bisexual wouldn't it make opposite sex relationships more challenging? In that case, a bisexual identifying as gay would be inaccurate, wouldn't it? How is one to tell what is going on then?
     
    #11 Silveroot, Apr 20, 2018
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  12. brainwashed

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    I asked myself this question a couple times. Did a bit of light research - primarily web based research. Asked a psychologist about the possibility at a social event - he said not a chance. From limited information gathered, there appears to be no credence to this possibility. .
     
  13. Cinnamon Bunny

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    I had similar concerns as I wasn't sexually abused as a child but there's emotional abuse from family severe enough that I actually do need therapy. I honestly didn't know if it had or hadn't effected me and took on the question without looking for a certain outcome. I have done the research on all kinds of abuses and childhood development from reading books, research articles and surveys, and therapists notes on extreme cases and I've seen no evidence that childhood abuse leads to changes in sexual orientation. The only changes I have observed are either hypo or hyper changes to sexuality, which is just an increase or decrease in sexual behaviors, in conjuction with sexual abuse. This is usually seen in childern / teens acting out or adults wanting nothing to do with sex even with a beloved partner. Sexual attraction can be decreased due to mental health issues too such as depression, ptsd, anxiety, etc but again it doesn't shift orientation. Generally speaking psychological issues with sex see improvement or recovery with therapy. If sexual orientation was cause by trauma, trauma based therapy would change orientation. There would be reports and evidence of this improvement, but there's not. People have been willingly trying to change their orientation through therapy for decades to no avail. While it's not understood exactly why some people are gay, it's appears to be biological in nature.

    The reason we think attachment affects our sexuality is because of old theories posed by Sigmund Freud from the early 1900's. How he believed heterosexuality operates, especially women, will probably blind side you. These theories have been debunked but still live in our culture today because such thinking was alive and well in recent generations.

    A huge problem with this theory and theories related to it is that it simply doesn't apply to everyone. What has helped me to realize that attachments has nothing to do with orientation is the sheer lack of consistentcy in stories of gay, lesbian, and bi people I have observed. Some had emotional support but parents were cold about affection, some were the opposite, some girls had good relationships with their fathers but not their mothers, some had great relationships with mothers but not fathers, some had poor relationships with both parents, still others had healthy and loving relationships with their parents. What "caused" one's person gayness may be the opposite to mine. People are complex, but there are typical and predictable patterns in how people function. There isn't a pattern of causation with attachment and orientation. Moreover, how many experience trauma and abuse and are not gay? Gayness would be rampant if childhood trauma was the reason.

    I could go on...
    Do the research if you feel uncertain.
     
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  14. Cinnamon Bunny

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    Abuse could cause challenges for bi people... it's not a given it would mske a challenge. Abuse doesn't mean we'll end up with issues with the opposite sex as much as just issues with close relationships. Many people just repeat dysfunctional relationships patterns, it doesn't stop them from going after the opposite sex. It doesn't kill libido and attraction or desires for relationships. People with an avoidant attachment style would have it effect all genders not just the opposite sex. Self sabotage is another thing that could cause issues. Also trauma that leads to ptsd and anxiety can lead to avoidance behavior of situations related to trauma... which could lead to avoidance of a specific gender even if we feel attraction. The opposite sex could be a trigger for anxiety that negates attraction too. So some bi people might have challenges. Bare in mind, it's hard for attractions towards one sex to be shut down and the other not.

    How can one know? I gather if there are emotional/relational problems with your opposite sex relationships and you have a history of abuse. When people tell me there's disgust or hate towards men (it's usually men) I remind them that has nothing to do with being lesbian. Being gay is about a lack of feelings, not the presence of animosity. The presence of some negative emotion usually has to do with something else. Not necessarily abuse, but some environmental factor. Beyond that, all I know is to work out our problems in therapy and see if there are changes. If you've been abuse, why wouldn't you be in therapy anyways?

    Ironically, I consider myself bi but lean towards women so much I still question my sexuality. My relationships with male relatives are so strained it wouldn't surprise me if therapy made a difference. I don't think it would increase my attractions though... more likely that I'd be more open to pursuing men.
     
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  15. SkyWinter

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    Abuse can cause a repeat in dysfunctional relationships, but then we have to question whether same sex attractions are somehow attached to acting out the search for dysfunctional relationships and then participating in them. People repeating parental trauma with sexual partners aren't typically engaged in conscious animosity. If there is any animosity there it is more likely subconscious.

    Why wouldn't people be in therapy? Because they can't afford it. I'm not sure how much money you make, but for a lot of people therapy is too expensive. Some therapists also just suck. You have to spend time going from therapist to therapist to find a good one. Some low cost/free therapists usually aren't that good. (You pay for what you get). Also, a lot of people on this site mention how young they are, and that going to a sexuality/gender therapist would immediately out them to their parents, which might not be a good idea given the kind of family they have. I'm honestly surprised I have to talk about this.
     
    #15 SkyWinter, Apr 20, 2018
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  16. Chip

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    Absolutely agree about this.

    I've not seen anything, anywhere in the research or clinical experience of those who work in the field that would support this idea.

    Perhaps that's your experience, but it is absolutely not the case from what I or many others I've known have experienced. I've unfortunately found zero correlation between what a therapist charges and the therapist competence. Some of the best, most intuitive therapists I've worked with professionally have been people who were either in the end of their education or still in their internship hours, and some of the worst, most unhelpful and sometimes downright damaging therapists have been people with 30 years experience that were supposedly highly regarded. I agree that one has to spend time looking around, but there are lots of excellent low cost or even free therapists.

    Most therapists that work with sexuality and gender issues don't work solely with that. And most therapists realize, if they are working with younger clients, that the client may not be ready for parents to know. So in these cases, unless a parent is really digging around, they may not even be aware that the therapist works with those issues, or that their child is being seen for those issues.
     
    #16 Chip, Apr 20, 2018
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  17. SkyWinter

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    The likelihood that a bad parent is also controlling is very high. So a gay or trans kid is risking a lot by going to a therapist, even one who primarily works in some area other than gay/trans issues. They might end up outing themselves due to parental pressure/snooping. The only therapist who might be able to help them is a school therapist that they can basically go to in complete secrecy and the quality there might not be so great. It's one of the few situations where I recommend staying in the closet if the person knows that their family will be antagonistic. You don't want going to a therapist to make things more difficult for them.

    As for dysfunction, obviously a gay man can act out a bad parental relationship with a sexual partner just like a straight person. The only question is does it play some role in making them gay. I don't think there is proof that that is the case, but it's also interesting how often this topic comes up. I don't think studies on sexuality and gender are completely exhaustive. There have only recently been studies to try and explain why transgender people tend to be gay/bi and how it's different from gay/bi people who don't consider themselves trans.
     
  18. Cinnamon Bunny

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    I'm sorry if I didn't use the best phrasing, I wasn't suggesting therapy has no challenges. What you said was really hurtful. You don't know my situation or what I've been through. I spent months doing my own work books because I could afford nothing else and afraid of getting a bad therapist again. I'm borrowing money for the therapy I am getting now because it was getting to a life or death point.

    Therapy for abuse and therapy for minors addressing their sexuality is two different topics. My comment was for therapy for trauma and abuse.
     
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  19. ellyy

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    Sorry for replying pretty late -- I wasn't able to get on a computer for a few days.
    To answer you questions, I started questioning my sexuality on and off 4 years ago and it was long after the way my dad had treated me.

    To everyone else in this thread, thank you for participating. I haven't read all of your posts yet but I will.
     
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  20. SkyWinter

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    Okay, so it was long after. So what is making you connect the two things together?