Well, here's another down down down down day: [(Background) I came out to my wife in January. Then to my 2 adult children in March. I've always been a people-pleaser, yet I've been able to push through it to this point where I am finally living for me.] But today: All I can think about is the hurt and disruption I'm causing. (At 61, I'm still waiting to be called into the principal's office.) I missed my childhood and want to go out and play NOW. Starting over I see only hard grown-up work ahead, with the reward far-off and not guaranteed. I'm tired. Very tired. The "coming out" afterglow has gone dark. My fifteen minutes of fame have passed. I'm still the same me . . . Little inside has changed. Still angry. Still lonely. Still unworthy. Still no income. Still failing at life. I'm discovering a proportional amount of intolerance inside the gay culture. I shouldn't have to push my body image or my age or my wardrobe or my faith back into the closet just to be "acceptable" --even amongst other gay men. I'm so tired of working "to fit in." That's why I came out in the first place. Can I truly be myself or do I have to create yet another self for this chapter? Summary: I still hate my life. What kind of a cruel trick is this? Enough!
You are not alone. I still haven't told any of my family or friends of my bisexuality. I realized it maybe 2 years ago But I am not worrying about what anyone might be saying about me. They don't know me. They don't control my life. I will find someone who will love me for me and you will to. Patients is the key.
Hey Markster, I think most of us understand how you are feeling to some extent. At first you feel liberated when you come out to people. But that early enthusiasm and joy gets replaced by bewilderment, a feeling of "ok, now what?", and then the realisation of what you have done starts to eat away at you. But you will be fine. You are not too old to still enjoy many years ahead, which hopefully will be your best years. You have the right to enjoy your life, be who you want to be, and grow old disgracefully if you want to.
Hey Markster, I wish I could offer you some measure of comfort through some philosophical attitude, or some mental trick to alleviate the suffering, or more precisely, the mourning for your past self; the one that kept you in the thrall of some idea of what you thought you were, that self that kept the peace, no matter the cost. But no one can offer you this without some untruth, or some reassuring words that just don't cut it. All anyone can do is help you describe this more accurately and in so doing increase your understanding of what is happening. You see, you are not alone in feeling this way, it is an experience so intense, so eternal and so universal that it dwells the realm of archetype, it is an experience in the realm of the mythical. In Greek mythology, one sees this recurring theme in tragedy. The play by Sophocles entitled Antigone, is a case in point: Antigone, daughter of Oedipus, must bury her brother despite the king, Creon, having ordered that the body must rot in the sun. She buries him anyway and must, as a consequence, be executed. The tragedy is that she must die for having done the right thing. There was no way out...This theme was a source of continuing fascination to the ancient Greeks. You may indeed question the "rightness" of what you are doing now, and the disruption it has caused...none of us can completely escape our past commitments, no matter how much they caused a different kind of suffering. All you can do now is spend some time among the ashes, and properly grieve the lost years and all the illusions. As for creating another self...may I suggest that perhaps there is no core to the self. We cannot escape being a mystery to ourselves, we are for the most part, a performance, we take on roles all the time, this is part of living among others. You were at least incontestably "right" about one thing: pleasing people is the wrong way to go; so why start that again in your current context? First and foremost, question why you would want to please the people you are trying to please...you (and I) are old enough to insist that others start to please us! Get involved, get out there, perform whatever self you choose to present, as long as you do it consciously and as long as you do it knowing that it is a performance, you would be amazed at how things will develop.
Just an observation: you've lumped a lot of stuff all into the "bad" category and assumed that you have to fix or overcome it all in order to be happy. Some of that may not belong in the bad category (e.g., why is it so terrible to cause disruption?). And why can't you do some playing (not sure what you mean by that) now? As for hard work and far-off goals ... well isn't that the case with most big things in life? I agree that gay culture is pretty lousy, but you still get to choose the extent to which you engage with it. So having said all this ... you might consider going out and doing something simple and fun ... something to get you off the track of rumination!
THANK YOU, greatwhale. Your thoughts are extremely helpful! I'll have to think a little on the concept of a conscious performance.
Dear justaguyinsf, You've nailed it. Rumination will be my ruination, if I let it. The down down down down day is an example. It's a familiar / lifelong / BAD habit. And so is the "lumping." I can be moving along pretty smoothly, starting to feel pretty good about the road ahead, and then I step into one of those sinkholes. The drop is vertical, sudden, and swift. I need suggestions for "Danger Ahead" road signs!! Thank you so much!
Glad it was of some use! By the way, I like the slogan "rumination will be my ruination" ... very poetic.
@Markster , you sound better already. Inevitably there are ups and downs. In the depths of the downs it's good to know it won't always be that way, and on the tops of the ups it's wise to remember it won't always be that way. It was a huge realization for me to discover I didn't have to wait for everyone around me to be happy before I could be happy. I really hope you can allow yourself to feel happiness. Thanks for reaching out. =Sevn
