I’m quite new to this sort of thing - the forums and community - and I’m not really sure on what to say so I guess I’ll sum up my feelings and questions regarding my sexuality. So as a child I never really thought about being with girls and never thought about me being lesbian. I just kind of went by. I never have really had a proper crush on a boy, more of a feeling of enjoyment when flirting. However I simply cannot imagine myself in a domestic relationship with a man. In the past year I’ve been exposed to the lgbt community and I became really interested in it and I experienced a want to be in it as I felt I almost wanted to belong to it. I was also into kpop at the time and there are many gay/lesbian ships and fanfictions. I always would read the lgbt fan fictions and I would feel uncomfortable reading the straight ones. I then became worried that I was heterophobic (is that even a word) and then began to question my own sexuality. But then of course came the doubts and I thought that wether I preferred lgbt films over straight films was insignificant and not at all indicative of my sexuality. Since then I began noticing that I had never had an interest in boys romantically and not really sexually either. I also got my first crush and it was on a girl. It wasn’t really sexual but I was very young so I wasn’t that ‘active’. I really liked her romantically and it was the typical crush with jealousy and all that. It was then I knew I wasn’t 100% straight. I don’t think I am at all. However this is the messy part as I have so many doubts and then again, my feelings are probably quite common. I prefer watching lesbian themed things and get very happy and excited at the mention of the lgbt community. I then get worried that I am fetishisizing(?) the lbgt community and that I just ‘want’ to be lesbian so I am tricking myself into thinking that I am. Because I find males nice to look at and that more are physically attractive to me than females but I just can’t be attracted to them sexually or romantically. I love the idea of living with a woman and being in a romantic relationship with them. But once again, not really sexually. I am definitely not asexual, I think it’s just because I am still quite young so I don’t really have ‘those’ desires. I also enjoy flirting with men - I get a kick out of it- but nothing further. I have never felt that with a woman. I also feel very comfortable and happy with the idea of being lesbian and almost want to be but then that goes back to the worry of if I’m convincing myself I’m lesbian when I am not? Overall my worry is that I find males nicer to look at but I would love to feel the same with a woman and grow old with a woman but I don’t like the sound of that as it seems I am trying to be lesbian when I may not be? Is there any advice anyone has with helping me figure out what I identify as? This post is so long I’m sorry but it’s kind of a big blurted rant.
Hi, El09! It seems to me that you are a bit confused! I believe you are overthinking all this, especially if you say you are still young. Don't worry so much about this! First of all, you have to remember that you don't have to identify as anything. You don't need a label, if it makes you worry so much about these matters. But, if you happen to really want a label, you have to consider that it doesn' have to be "straight" or "gay", you could very well be pansexual or bisexual or any other thing you think is fitting. Another thing you should know is that physical attraction is a bit different from romantic attraction, even though they are often associated. You can be attracted both romantically and physically to men, and just romantically attracted to women, for instance. Anyway, romanticizing the LGBTQ+ community does happen, but trust me when I say that there is absolutely no reason why you'd want to do that. LGBTQ+ people suffer from a lot of discrimination and abuse, it's not always pretty and lovely, as you read in fanfics, happy tales, and movies. It is totally fine for you to watch gay content though, whether you are a lesbian or not. I don't know if any of this helps, but I hope so. If you need anything, let me know. Take care.
Thank you very much I will try to be more relaxed about it and I’ll also try to be less stressed about finding a suitable label. Thank you
Hey El09, Big blurted out rants are sometimes the best way to get feelings out. My experience isn't exactly the same as yours, but I hope it can help you. As a school-aged kid, I never liked boys in the same way my friends did. I would talk about having crushes on boys, just because that's what I thought I was supposed to do, but the feelings weren't genuine. At the time I didn't know those feelings weren't genuine, I just figured that's how things were supposed to be. When it came time for high school proms, I wanted a date so that I wouldn't be alone in pictures, but really didn't care which boy asked me. I couldn't put words to it then, but I think I was starting to realize that I didn't want a boy date at all, but I never really thought a girl date was an option. Fast forward to college: I dated a few guys, but never cared for them all that much. Physically they were nice to look at and they made me feel normal. I didn't enjoy sex with them, but chalked that up to being young and inexperienced. I wasn't sad at all when we broke up. I slowly started noticing that I paid more attention to female characters in movies/TV. In hindsight, that was always the case even as a young child. I don't know what changed, but all of a sudden I realized that it was probably more than just really admiring their cool clothes or hair. I liked the female characters differently. I spiraled into a weird place of confusion: not knowing what those feelings meant, not knowing if they were real or imagined because being a lesbian was starting to have a trendy association, and not knowing what I should call myself. I found websites like Empty Closets (too scared to sign up at the time) and began reading to learn about other people's experiences. That didn't give me an absolute answer and didn't tell me what terms I should be using, but at least I felt normal that others had the same experience. Eventually, I knew that I was something "not straight" and signed up for an online dating site just to see what would happen. Initially, I signed up as bisexual but that resulted in endless messages from creepy guys (really unfortunate and sad that it still happens), so I switched my "label" to gay, which cut down on the noise. I messaged several women and even with the ones I wasn't that physically attracted to, I felt something different when talking to them and that different was good. My heart felt lighter, even though I had no intention of actually dating them. Without planning on it, a really amazing woman messaged me and we hit it off. We're now happily married. I sometimes feel like the term lesbian fits me well, but other times not. What matters is that I love my wife, who happens to be another woman, and I don't bother trying to find a word to label myself.
I feel myself relating to quite a lot of what you just said. I have talked to my friends about crushes on boys and dating them because that’s what everyone did. I’m also in the process of trying to understand wether what I feel when flirting with boys is a genuine attraction or not. Thank you so much for telling me your journey of ‘finding out’ that you weren’t straight because I really feel like that’s helped a lot in clearing up the unnecessary kind of parts? If that makes sense. It’s also reassuring to see that you don’t always feel like one label fits you because that’s a big problem I have with finding one label which will always fit. Thank you!
