A happy update :)

It's been a while since I was here but it is so great to be back. For those who aren't familiar with my story here it is in a nutshell:

I'm 32 and have been aware of my sexuality most of my life but only accepted it about 3 or so years ago. I was in a hetero marriage with 2 kids. It took me a long time to take the leap into the unknown and end my marriage but I finally did and that was nearly 3 months ago. The last time I posted we were only separated for a few weeks. He was still living in the house and we had told our kids and families...I also had made some new friends, mum's at the school my son goes to, and one of them is gay. I was able to come out to her but at that stage was unable to tell the others.

Fast forward to now and so much has happened. Firstly, I just want to say I am so happy. Let's start with that. I AM SO HAPPY!!

So my ex husband lived in the house with me and the kids for a total 6 weeks after our split. I'll be honest, at first it was okay, we were slowly splitting apart, I was letting him down gently. But by the end, I was so glad to see him go. The problem was, I started to make new friends and spend time with them a bit more, and when he found out that two of them were lesbians in a relationship, he kind of started to get very jealous and mean. I felt like I was suffocating with him in the house, just watching me and still judging me and being possessive of me and my time. I remember once he got angry at me because I went outside to wave one of my friends off when she left my place, but that I didn't do that every morning when he left for work. He would make cutting remarks to me and I was tired of having to pretend I was gutted at the ending of our marriage just as he was. I mean there were times where I cried, but the overwhelming feeling I had and still have is just peace.

He had the option of living with his dad and I had hinted to him a few times that maybe he should do that so we didn't fight in front of the kids but he held off, until one day we had a big fight over the fact that he went behind my back and shaved our son's hair (something I said I never wanted to do with him) and that was it. The next day he packed up all his stuff and left to go live with his dad.

Not long after that, he secured himself an apartment and is living there now. I have stayed in our house with the kids and all of his stuff is now moved out and we've agreed to me living here for the next 4 years until I can graduate from University and secure full time work. Looking back, over that six weeks, I can hold my head up high that I was the most compassionate, caring and kind person I could be through it all. I got new friends yes, but I still made time to listen to him whenever he needed it, to offer a hug or give him space if that's what he needed. My family and friends say that most people wouldn't have been so caring the way I was.

My kids are doing great, they have their moments, as is normal, but for the most part I think they see a much happier mummy and my daughter has expressed to me that she sees how much happier I have been and she is kind of glad in that sense. My son is super cuddly but I am just giving him all my time and I think he will be fine.

I finally came out to the other mum's in our circle and they were so happy and supportive of me. We all catch up multiple times a week for coffee, breakfast or drinks. I feel so peaceful to know that I am myself around these women and my family. Pretty much everyone who I am close with and see regularly now know that I am gay and it is honestly the best feeling in the world.

I just have this joy that follows me around all day long, an inner peace that never fails, even if other things seem hard (like my ex husband ghosting me on all social media, and then not acknowledging me or saying hello when picking up the kids, which I totally do not deserve)

I can just be me every day without judgement - and I don't just mean a lesbian, I mean - the music I listen to, how much or how little I want to clean, what I choose to eat... I realise now how often he would complain about something I did or didn't do. There was always so much guilt in my marriage. Guilt I wasn't doing enough, I wasn't good enough, interesting enough, funny enough, sexual enough...I just don't have to deal with any of that.

And the sex...no more having to feel pressured into having sex, no lying there waiting for it to be over. No more having to hide away to pleasure myself and indulge in lesbian fantasies because he had put a rule in place that I wasn't allowed to do anything to myself while he wasn't there because 'It's not fair to him.' NO MORE GUILT!! It feels indulgent and so lovely to lay in bed at night and know there is not someone needing me to share my body with them.

Everything around me now is a reflection of what I love and who I am. I have cleaned and moved things around in my home and I've brought in a more feminine vibe. It feels like my haven now. I'm in charge of all my own finances and don't need permission to buy something I want.

I have secured employment in the medical industry that I used to work in which is amazing, it's part time to fit in with my university studies that I will commence in July. I will be studying counselling/psychology and I hope to one day be able to work with LGBT teens.

I'm heading out with my friends on Saturday night to a gay club. This will be my first night out on the town as a gay woman and I'm so excited! I'm definitely not looking to start anything, I am loving my freedom way to much, but it will be great just getting out and meeting people and just the freeing feeling of being able to flirt or check out girls now that I am single and out of the closet will be so nice!

I just wanted to share this update with those of you who are where I was 1, 2, 3 years ago. I was so confused, so messed up. So scared of leaving a marriage for a life I had no experience in. I jumped from labeling myself bisexual, to lesbian, to bisexual...Now I finally label myself lesbian. I have finally been able to just embrace who I am and the feelings/thoughts/desires have come flooding in. I can honestly say, the peace that comes with being true to yourself is an incredibly wonderful payoff for the short term pain you will experience and others will experience by ending a relationship/marriage. Trust in yourself and your strength and capabilities. You can and will survive anything that is ahead of you. Just keep that little flame within you burning.

I hope that in the coming months I can keep you guys updated on my journey. On my interactions with any gorgeous women I meet and how my kids are doing and anything else that comes up.

Thanks to everyone who has supported me on my journey, it gives me such joy to be able to share this happy update with you all! xx