I have questioned my sexuality for a long time now and the more I think about it the more I find that I require strong emotional connections to be able to actually want sexual things. People would consider me demisexual because of this but I am still able to have sexual fantasies (I'm not like asexual until I find somebody I love). Anyway though I want to know how to meet people the demisexual way, I want to try dating but I don't want to turn somebody off because of the way my attraction works. To give an example the common norm is you ask somebody out and you go on a few dates to like dinner or movies or shopping (simple pleasure kind of stuff) and usually by the 3rd date somebody "makes a move" and the relationship is brought into a sexual realm. To me this seems way too fast especially when you meet a person just a few weeks or even days before having sex with them and it gives me anxiety to think that I have to be that person and I have to put on that "performance" just to hold somebody's attention for a few hours. The few people that I have been attracted to in my life (all just been crushes nothing sexual ever happens) have all been friends that after several months I am able to form attractions to them because I shared experiences and feelings and trust with them. I can understand that there are people that don't want to wait and date for possibly several months while I figure out if I'm actually attracted to them and trust me I don't want it to be that way either but I would not enjoy being physically connected with somebody when I haven't yet become emotionally connected to them. I know that telling someone that I need to take things really slow will be a major turn off to most people on the first few dates but I really don't want to waste somebody's time so what should I do? Is online dating worth trying? because at least I can let everybody that sees my profile know that I have issues at least. The only thing I don't like about online dating is the fear of being in a long distance relationship or somebody turning out not to be the way they were online. Is it even worth dating? I just want some kind of companion someday.
Well. Your post has just made me realize I may be demisexual as well, which now explains a lot to myself. So thanks. As for your questions. I mean you should just do what you feel, if you think online dating could go somewhere go for it, I definitely understand the fears of online dating as you mention, this is why it was never an option for me. And meet people, keep meeting people, you'll find someone who gets you and who will be comfortable with taking it slow until you're ready, which is awesome and will be awesome. Just don't give up and keep dating, even if it leads no where you'll never know until you try. Eventually the right one will come along and you'll be glad you just kept up with it. I'm currently in a 5+ year relationship and honestly this is the person who I've enjoyed most and felt connected with more than any person I've ever met and ever dated. At first she did try to get with me sexually and I just wasn't feeling it, I declined and basically told her I don't know you that well, she then allowed me time to get to know her more on a personal level and we connected about so many things that eventually it did happen and I was okay with it. As I mentioned in the beginning I never really thought about it until your post, but it makes sense now as to why none of my previous relationships aside from one and my current one went well. I totally couldn't seem to connect with any of those people on that level and therefore I could never feel that sexual attraction towards them as they did for me. Mind Blown. haha
Just for the record... about half the population (according to one study I read sometime back), almost none of whom labeled themselves demisexual, have the sort of attraction that the OP describes. It's well within the normal spectrum of ordinary sexual attraction. It's simply a matter of saying that you want to go really slowly, and that it's important to take time to get to know people before you really "let them in." Now... if it's taking months, I would argue that there may be some issues with trust or vulnerability that are getting in the way of connection, which has nothing to do with a sexual orientation. If that's the case, these are cognitive issues that could be effectively addressed with therapy. The long and short is... some people will be turned off by taking things slowly. Those aren't going to be the right ones to date. But there will be others who will understand and appreciate it. I know a number of people who have had these kinds of experiences and things have worked out quite well once they realized that they are perfectly entitled to take things slowly.
I think I know why I have problems with trusting people. It's mostly caused by some of the relationships with friends I've had in the past, I have had several friends that cared for me and I trusted and cared for them while it was just the 2 of us hanging out but when we would hang out in a group the same friends would turn on me and treat me like shit to seem like a better person to the group. I just got so tired of the feeling of being stabbed in the back constantly and just gave up on trusting people. That's why I take a long time to let new people into my life because I need time to gauge their behavior both around me and in other social settings, I need proof that they're someone I can trust and respect. I don't know if I need therapy to "fix" that because all it would do is just bring me back into my gullible old self that sacrifices my feelings and time for people that don't deserve it. I wish I didn't have to be this way but I can't take any more of those emotional mind games.
That's a pretty powerful insight. I'm really sorry that happened to you, and I can totally see why that would have you in "shields up" mode early on. What I hope is clear here is that this is definitely a learned behavioral pattern and not a sexual orientation. It's important we understand those differences since one is changeable and the other is not. This makes total sense. Well... here's the bad news: If you go through life like that, you're going to be pretty miserable. Brené Brown has studied this specific issue (vulnerability) as it relates to connection and basically, one is impossible without the other. But here's the good news: The issue isn't that you need to sacrifice feelings for people that don't deserve it. The issue is that you need to learn not to attract those sorts of people, to quickly jettison them when you do find them, and to learn to attract happier, emotionally healthier people. And this, unsurprisingly, is tied right back into the same things you'd be looking at in therapy to address the vulnerabilty. Most of the time, that's coming from a place of lack of worthiness, a sense of "not being good enough" and sticking with shitty people because you don't believe you deserve better. If that's the case for you, then as you work on it, you'll find the whole landscape... who you want around you, who you attract as friends, who you spend time with, and how you connect to people... will begin to change. It isn't fast, and isn't super easy, but it's a heck of a lot better than spending your life with your shields up, taking months to trust people.
I guess my biggest problem is that I have a hard time attracting people at all, anytime I talk to somebody it feels like I am on a completely different planet from them. Hobbies, interests, music choices, favorite movies, career goals no matter who I talk to it seems like nobody cares about the things that I like and eventually any conversation ceases because I have nothing to say anymore. I don't know if I feel like I'm not good enough I just seem to not have anything to say that anybody can relate too, I guess that's why I used to hang onto people that hurt me it's because they were the only people that at least acted like they cared about what I was saying. Maybe I do need some sort of therapy but I really don't want to go, I don't like talking to people I don't know and sharing my thoughts and feelings with someone I don't know is definitely a no-go.
Well... I'll point out that, in a way, that's exactly what you're doing here on EC. The only difference in doing it with a therapist is that you're in the same room, face to face. And if that's an unmanageable hurdle, there are therapists that do therapy over Skype, phone or even email (though I don't think email is a very effective way of doing it.) It *is* scary for a lot of people to start therapy. But almost without fail, once you get into it, it's a pretty amazing thing to have someone who "gets you" and understands you without judgment, and helps provide new insights and perspective that helps you better understand yourself and move in a positive direction. Everything that you're describing fits in with shame or low self esteem (which are interrelated) and working with a therapist would help that considerably... which will ultimately help you connect better to people, and will also help you to attract healthier people, and sustain better connections with them.
This resonates with me. I'm not terribly good at online dating and it makes me feel far more secure to date people in my social circle where there isn't a deadline in mind. The problem is that, due to a social awkwardness that is the stuff of legend, I have had the tendency to be picked on or exploited or even just misunderstand others. I'm working on it. However, I have found that boosting my self-esteem in other ways helps, for example volunteering or developing my talents in a controlled and supportive environment. Therapy will help you a lot. You can give it a little more time if you don't feel ready yet, but don't leave it too long, or you'll kick yourself in years to come.
I didn't really put this well; I mean I'm not good at any conventional dating and prefer being able to get to know someone slowly, as in a social group or work-related environment. I know most people would probably have that preference, but for me I don't really feel secure any other way.
