Feeling nervous around LGBT people

I often feel nervous around gays and lesbians but probably for a different reason, as historically they don't like me...so I feel I'm often waiting for the "other shoe to drop"...waiting for that moment when I do or say whatever it is that they don't like (I have no idea what that is or why).

One thing that you might think about is moving past their orientation (and any expectations that might accompany that knowledge) and striking up a conversation about something else...asking them about something that they're interested in, complimenting them on something they're wearing, looking for commonalities etc., basically the general "rules" of making conversation. You're not going to develop rapport with everyone, gay or not, so this gives you a chance to see if some might develop without having to resort to the commonality that you do have, orientation, which can feel awkward.

Hope this helps.

 

Oh man I really get this as well.. I feel like for my case though I already had a few bi and gay friends to begin with so I didn't feel weird or awkward around them after realizing I was bi, but I did start feeling awkward around other LGBT kids at my school. I've talked to a few of them though and once I get past the initial awkwardness it'a really not that bad- but I still wonder what causes this

 

I would suggest that maybe it's because you really really want other LGBT people to like you. Almost like you really want to join a club but you are afraid of intruding or that the member won't like you.

 

You know, I have gotten ever so slightly better at it over the years, but I do have a fairly similar experience.

I do think it's mostly a case of overthinking. With other GLBT people there is always this part of my mind that goes: "What do we talk about when the fact that we're both gay comes up?"
At which point I become afraid of what would happen if we don't actually relate. What if all I get are blank stares, or what if they tell a story that seems utterly alien to me?

I've had that happen once before and it was indeed majorly awkward. The other guy was trying so hard to bond over "So, if you only came out last year, how was it getting sex on the down low before that?", and "So, who of te local gays have you hung out with yet?". As someone who was very recently out at the time, I just didn't even know how to properly answer those. (pro trick, from a decade of experience: the truth is usually a good option ;-)

The whole thing was a situation of him trying to use his well-practiced array of gay icebreakers, and me shutting down completely. I felt like I was somehow actually relating less to him on the topic of "being gay" than I would to any random straight person.

Which ironically lead to the even more awkward position of completely avoiding any sort of "gay" topic around other gay people, for fear of not relating. But then you're deeper in the closet to a fellow homo than you are to straight guys, which also makes for an unnerving situation.

So yeah. I'm awkward around LGBT people. Even to this day. Because there's somehow this general assumption that you'll relate on the topic of "being gay", but if you don't, it can become a bit of an elephant in the room.


Does the above situation mean I'm right to be awkward, however? No, not at all. It's just overthinking. Sometimes you don't relate to people, even if you share hobbies or experiences or even something as supposedly defining as a sexuality. And if you don't relate, then it's water under the bridge. I did actually find a boyfriend and even a gay best friend after the above letdown. Which I do relate to. And if I am awkward around someone, then it's no deep commentary abot myself or my life. Just a conversation going nowhere.

Even knowing that, however, I'm still awkward around gay people IRL.
I don't have a magic method either, but I can wholeheartedly support the advice by wickedwitch. Try to find other things to relate, just as if they were straight. Don't see sharing a sexuality as the only inroad. Once you relate on other topics (both with my BF and best friend I started by geeking out over computer games), relating on sexuality (or not) becomes less and less important.

 

"It was so uncomfortable and every time one of them looked over at me I felt a little panicked." Maybe they were all thinking "what a cute guy he is..."
I probably spent 2-3 years in high school and never spoke to anyone unless they spoke to me. For me it took a long time to be able to open up and be social. Something I just decided to force myself to do and after some time it came easier.

Dean

 

Niagara, I think I'd be the same. For me it would be a mix of excitement, delight and fear to be around other LGBTQ+ people.

 

To be honest, I’m rarely around lgbt people. At least as far as I know.

 

Exactly...lots of people are in the closet. And that closet seems to have no handles, a locked door and full length glass looking back at those who stare at it.
Sorry for being obtuse, but I'm sure you get my meaning.

 

So, based on what you said here, it sounds like this is a broader issue and not just about other members of the LGBT community. It sounds like there is a general fear of being judged in some way if you attempt to strike up a conversation, but it's maybe a more acute fear of being judged by members of your own community. Unfortunately, fears of this type get into our mind and an internal dialogue begins where we ruminate over the smallest details of our persona and become our own worst critic. We convince ourselves that we'll not fit in (whatever that means) and it can have a corrosive effect on our self esteem and confidence, but in most cases it's all coming from within. It often begins after one idiotic person makes an insulting or demeaning comment about us and it just hangs over us like a cloud for months or years afterwards. Has that happened to you Niagara? Can you remember a time when someone has said something that dented your confidence?

Whilst it's true that some bitchy people will make snap judgements about others, the majority of rational and sensible people (the sort of people we want as friends) refrain from doing so. If you approach people in a calm, friendly and polite way they will warm to you very quickly.

Good conversation begins by showing a genuine interest in the other person and asking open ended questions about what they are doing or what's going on it their lives and keeping things light. It's really not as difficult as you might imagine.

 

It wasn't a venting/self-pitying post. I asked the question and you responded with a full answer that goes some way towards explaining why you have this ongoing struggle. How would you feel about trying to address the specific issue of confidence and self esteem? Counselling would be one way, but you might even look at short courses that can do a lot to boost your confidence by teaching you specific techniques and skills.

I do think confidence comes to many people with age (it's certainly been my own experience) as you begin to care less about other peoples opinions, but if you could find a way to kick start a process it might be good for you. You're part of the way there by understanding and acknowledging why things aren't right and most importantly you are succeeding in many other ways, even though your mother set you up to fail. In that key respect you are sticking two fingers up to her. Regaining some confidence and self esteem would allow you to stick two more fingers up to her.

 

Is it easier to write about your problems, like you have in this thread? Is it the action of giving a voice to your problems that doesn't seem to help? When you write it out, you seem to be able to articulate your feelings pretty well and peel back some of the layers of distress... like describing your mother's negative influence. I think the method is less important than the process. What do you think?

"Talking" is important, otherwise everything remains clogged up inside and when we have no outlet it starts to drag us down even more and that's one of the reasons why we turn against ourselves and become self critical. When we hit a low like this it's enough of an effort to face a new day.

All of this is not insignificant, or ridiculous or petty. It's a true reflection of how you feel and you shouldn't minimise any of it. Of course, it's less than perfect to feel this way, but life is imperfect in so many ways - I'd even go as far as saying that life is perfectly imperfect. It always has been that way and it always will be and we should try to embrace it. Life is messy, complex, frustrating, challenging (and many other adjectives besides) and part of being human is negotiating our way through all of it. If we're not having to do any of that, we're actually missing something. When we're able to embrace the imperfect things, we begin to savour the things that are special and closer to perfection, like our relationships, studies, work, hobbies and interests.

I once spoke to someone who was incredibly wealthy and apparently had it all. To me (and you) her life seemed perfect and carefree. She had a good marriage, lovely children, lots of friends, an amazing home, nice cars and all material possessions. She was fit and healthy and able to indulge in anything she wished and she often did, but she hated it all. You see, her life was just too perfect. She wasn't being challenged or stretched by life and she had nothing special to savour. Far from wanting perfection she wanted some of the imperfection that is the norm for most people because her life had become perfectly dull.

I know it's not easy to switch off how you feel, but maybe try to look at things from a different perspective (a shift in focus) to turn the switch in a more positive direction. You have a boyfriend who is on your side, you are at university and studying and you are living independently and working through issues connected to your sexuality. In actual fact that's quite an achievement and you are in a far better position than I was at the same age. Despite everything, you are not failing at life at all. When it comes to making friends, you should look for joint friends with Destin because it will be positive for both of you. Instead of going it alone, go at it together because relationships are all about togetherness.

 

Well you definitely got that one wrong and I have a strong feeling that someone else will be telling you the same.

 

I see Patrick asked for a second opinion, and I am happy to concur. It's not even remotely annoying. In fact, I find it very relatable.
Also... it's a forum where everyone is free to answer or not. If people respond, it's because they want to!

Honestly... I don't think it's a silly or insignificant issue. Yes, there are always worse things happening to someone else. But you don't have to bring peace to the entire earth before you are allowed to have some time to work on your own issues. Also, working on our own issues allows us to be more balanced and better at ackling other people's or bigger issues.
Or maybe that's just what I tell myself when working on my own silly little issues ;-)


For what it's worth, when I visited a therapist for similar issues, she gave me (among others), two tips I still use to this day. So I'm going to offer them here, for what they're worth:

- First of all: try to find a way to relive the feeling you had during your biggest triumphs. Could be anything, really. A test you aced, a project that went well, that day your boyfriend told you he wanted you and noone else.
Put yourself in that situation. Try to relive the details. Pair it with a certain gesture or phrase (I use a particular position of my fingers).
Train yourself in quiet moments to repeat that phrase or gesture and bring the feeling back to mind. And once you can do it in quiet moments, you can begin doing it in stressful moments. Remind yourself that if a particular moment sucks or if you're doubting: hey, you're still the guy that had those successes. You had those great moments, and you will have them again!

- Secondly: set your goals small. Sure, after you graduate you have to find a job and manage a career. And if you stay together with your boyfriend, you'll have to decide on a house and a pet and navigate all of the opportunities and pitfalls of a relationship.
But those aren't manageable goals. You can't manage them with a single master plan, because no one can!
It's great if you can live in the moment to overcome that. But if you can't (I can't either, and neither can my boyfriend), set small goals. Stuff you can manage. The next test you have to prepare for. A fun date or week out with the boyfriend. A single GLBT person you want to just give a polite nod and a perfunctionary "hi" to in passing.
Work on those. And if they work, plan a next step. Always have something to do.


Especially the small goals thing has helped me immensely. I went from a shy introvert to a somewhat more social introvert. I solidified my relationship by just making sure we always had a next fun outing on the horizon. I found a new job, one interview at a time.
Deep down, I'll always fear ultimate disaster, but at least it's good to have a short-term success to work towards.
I... still don't have the courage to talk to GLBT people IRL, but my current goal is to be at least in the same city as a pride is being held. Maybe the exact other side, but it'll at least be closer than I ever got.


And finally: never stop writing. It's not silly. Your problems are real, but we like listening and taking a shot at making them a bit mor manageable. And to be blunt, we don't need reasons to like you or to like helping you out. You'll just have to accept that we do ;-)

 

We're definitely going to talk about this when you get home, but I can't let this stand without a response because it breaks my heart you feel that way.

I would never leave you to be with someone else. We get along so well because it's not just a relationship - it's also the foundation of trust and friendship that came before that. We've gone through so much in a short time and those shared struggles have only brought us closer together. Even if the relationship does somehow end one day, you'll never end up alone. You're my best friend and no matter what happens I'll always be there to support you however you I can.

You're so hard on yourself all the time - I'm not better than you at all and I don't have more potential than you. You're an amazing person and just don't see that in yourself for some reason. I love you because you're genuine, sweet, intelligent, trustworthy, loving, and have always done everything you could to make me feel valued and protected. You have a lot to offer, and I just wish you could see how great you are.

Even when we barely knew each other and had just met you were already looking out for me. Do you remember that time I was cooking pasta and accidentally spilled boiling water on myself in front of you because I didn't have a pasta strainer to use? The very next day when I got home there was a pasta strainer sitting on the table, because you were so concerned about me you walked two miles to the store just to buy that so I wouldn't get hurt again. You had only known me for like a week at the time but already your natural kindness was showing through.

You said I'll find someone I like more, but that's already been proven not to be true. I never had feelings for any guy before meeting you, and those feelings were strong enough to undo a lifetime of repression and let me discover being gay. If I liked other people more, don't you think that would have happened with someone else instead? It didn't though, because I love you, not other people.

 

Niagara, reading the post above, I think you have an AMAZING partner! I also think YOU are an AMAZING person, you are just having a hard time seeing it in yourself. When it gets right down to it life is about health, happiness and most important LOVE, and it sounds like Destin really loves you. Love isn't about how a person looks, trust me, that will change as you age. It took me thirty years to grow a decent goatee and now I am about to turn 46 and there is already gray in it. Love is about what is inside, what's in your heart that counts.
It sounds like your Mother was a very damaged person and that in turn hurt you. The same happened with my dad and I. Healing for your experiences is going to take time but you WILL get there.
The first thing I would suggest is to continue to see your college counselor. Everyone hurts, or can be hurt in different ways and what everyone has to say is important, so don't feel ashamed.
Second, remember the past is the past, nothing you can do about it. The future is the future, you can plan for it but it is unwritten.
Third, keep writing here. It will help more than you realize.
Fourth, set some goals. Small ones that are manageable at first. Work you way up to larger ones like getting you drivers license. This will help with your self confidence.
Fifth, find a hobby. May help to keep your mind busy rather than dwelling on the past.
Sixth, and most important, remember the old man sitting in his tree stand deer hunting one cold November morning in Minnesota. The longer he sat the more he had to pee. First he thought he would stand up and just do the deed, but it had snowed the night before and it was a little slippery. He didn't want to fall out of the tree so he thought better of that idea. So he sat a little longer, trying to be as quiet as possible so as not to scare that big buck that might just be over the hill. Finally he just could not take it any longer and decided to climb out of the tree. He was just doing fine until he got to the ground and then it happened, he wet his pants. When he got home his partner asked him what happened? Well, he said, it was so cold out this morning I put on five layers of cloths, (long pause) sigh...it was only four layers long....

Remember to smile at least once each day! (Hope I don't get in trouble for #6) I hope it made your smile.
Just some things that helped me get through some though times.

Take Care, Everyone is here for you!
Dean