First online dating heartbreak (here we go...)

Hello EC Friends,

Well, it was bound to happen. I knew my first attempt at online dating would have its share of heartbreak, and it didn't disappoint.

I only recently started dating online, and started chatting up people fairly quickly. About 2 weeks ago, I met my first date for coffee. We hit it off quickly and saw each other almost every day for the last 2 weeks. She would text me and call me quite often every day. She seemed genuinely interested, telling me that she liked me, that she was attracted to me, bla bla bla. We kissed often, but I didn't want to take it beyond that yet (even though she did).

Sounds great right? Not really. The bad news is that she's still madly in love with an ex girlfriend. I knew she was friends with more than one ex (which was fine with me). What I didn't know was that she still had hopes of getting back together with one of them, and had slept with that ex only a few days before meeting me. This broke my heart because if a person is not completely available emotionally, why would they start dating a new person, kiss them, tell them they like them, etc.?

How did I find out? I noticed she would talk about the particular ex more often, and I sensed something was off. After a long conversation, she came clean and told me everything but first insisted that she "hoped to move on" and that's why she began dating me. I asked her about her hope to "move on" by asking if she's willing to get back together with her ex today if the ex would take her back. She said, "Yes." I told her I didn't want to feel second best in any relationship, and that she shouldn't have started dating me if she still had such strong feelings for her ex with hopes to get back together with her.

Yes, it has only been 2 weeks of dating this person, but I really liked her, and believed her when she told me the same. How can a person say these things to me, kiss me, be affectionate, text & call daily, and spend time with me every day, while still wanting to be with someone else? Why would someone do this? I told her that she had hurt my feelings and that she acted with total disregard to the fact that I'm a human being here. I don't understand this. I just know that for whatever reason, I had hoped for happiness and ended with heartbreak.

 

I’m so sorry that was your first experience, it sounded like you were doing better than me but that does seem to be one of the main problems, is that they aren’t over an ex and can’t be alone so look for a replacement asap. Some just disappear, some don’t put any effort in re getting to know you. Some I feel just play games. I’m afraid this is what it is like but I’ve heard so many good stories re people finding the one that I’m willing to keep trying. Fingers crossed the next one goes better, don’t give up. I do think we learn though, with each new experience, even the bad ones.

 

@Rana I agree with the others, don't give up. I do think there is a chance to meet someone really wonderful through these apps. I'm sorry that this one didn't work out

Like @Lia444, I'm having a lot of mixed interactions myself. Hoping that at some point I find that diamond in the rough

 

Yeah, I definitely don't want to give up. I'm feeling really hurt this morning since the feeling of being deceived is still raw from last night. I know I shouldn't feel anything for someone I've known only 2 weeks, but she was starting to grow on me. I really liked spending time with her. Right now it feels as if a real relationship has ended. I know, I'm pathetic.

 

You are definitely not pathetic! Just a woman who wanted to connect with someone genuine and unfortunately met a person who was unable to be that for ya. I can relate to the quick build of feelings...it's so easy to do even though we cognitively 'know better.' However, as time goes on, I'm learning to be...hmm, not guarded exactly...more like, aware I guess. It's a tricky balance - being open enough to let someone in, see if they fit, and yet being distanced enough to protect myself. Hopefully your experience will help you navigate future situations better. Thank you for sharing with us actually - I feel like your story will help me too!

 

You’re not pathetic, I’ve felt hurt by some who have disappeared and one who I met twice and liked but she then disappeared. My imagination seems to run away sometimes and I need to learn to be more guarded I guess. But I’ve hidden my whole life and never let anyone in so am trying to change but am getting hurt so need to find a balance.

 

I decided to go out with some friends tonight to get my mind off of all this. I don't know how it is that I feel all these emotions for someone I met 2 weeks ago. I think we hung out so much (every day) that it became an expected part of my day. Today that emptiness is very real, and hurtful.

 

Hey Rana I'm sorry you had that experience and I really hope that you don't let it put you off completely. Honestly I don't know why these people do these things, it makes me sad that they do but out there waiting are other good people looking for the same as you and when you find them I promise it will be worth it. All these things that came before will just be learning experiences for you and make you stronger and better.

 

First off: all the hugs.
A week is definitely not a long time in absolute terms. Yet, we don't tend to feel time in absolutes. Instead, we measure it in memorable experiences and emotional moments. So it totally makes sense that it felt like a whole relationship went by. All of those first and potential firsts can't help but be meaningful and intense, no matter how it later turns out.

It's normal to feel bad when those promising beginnings ended in disappointment. But you're definitely doing the right thing. Hang out with friends, feel bad. Take a bit of time to heal before you venture out once more. Nothing pathetic about that!

Also, I would urge some compassion and empathy, here. That's not to say she acted entirely right. But I do also feel the need to point out that, just as you, she is a human being. Sometimes we demand to be seen as complex beings, with conflicting emotions and thoughts and baggage, while also assuming that everyone else has their act together and is working through a detailed plan.

In reality, it sounds like she didn't really have her act together. Wasn't even remotely over her ex, but probably thought she could still soldier on. Wanted to give you a real chance, but also probably discovered that a new dating experience has a way of triggering nostalgia for the previous one. Wanted to feel one way, but actually felt another way, and until you pushed her, might not even have known entirely how she felt.

Was that fixable? Probably not. But don't necessarily see this as a malicious attempt to get you as "a spare" while still working on her own relationship. Most often, stories like this involve people who just try to make the best of a confusing situationand are playing it by ear just like you or I. It's normal to be angry now, but also don't get caught up in resentment here.

All the hugs. Lovesickness hurts. But it's not something you can't move on from. You learned much, and you are now better equipped for the future!

 

The plot thickens, and it gets worse. So the woman I dated the last 2 weeks (let's call her T) called and emailed me today with apologies, sweet words, etc.
She said she wanted to resolve some issues, etc. She invited me to one of our local gay bars tonight. In the spirit of being understanding, I agreed to go. I wish I hadn't. She kept texting me to see when I'd get there. It all seemed very sweet but when I got there, she was a complete jerk. She was a little drunk, not completely though.

We sat down with some people and one girl was talking about a friend she had that she wanted to find a girlfriend for. So T looked at me and said, "We're all single here right? Yeah, we're all single." I guess it was a jab at me for telling her last night that I didn't want to date her while she's not over her ex.

But wait, the pain continues. While we were still sitting there, T says to the girl to give her phone number (T's number) to the girl's friend, and she does it, complete with the spelling of her last name. Oh but wait, there's more. T then gets up, goes to the next table where 2 ladies are sitting, introduces herself and starts seriously flirting with them.

By this time I had enough, so I get up to leave. T comes over to me, hugs me, says, "Thanks for coming to see me," and "You know I still like you right?" I said bye and left.

I'm so stupid and foolish. I walked right into a situation where T purposely wanted to hurt me. I totally deserve it for being such a dumb girl.
Needless to say, my pain has now tripled. I came home early and I'm lying in bed crying like a baby.
I hadn't seen this jerky side of T before. It hurts so much right now (just as she planned it I guess).

 

Aw, @Rana, big hugs lady. Wow! I can't believe T did all of that. What an asshole! I feel bad that she hurt you and I know it stings terribly right now. But honestly thank goodness this didn't drag out longer and get even more complicated. Treat yourself tomorrow - you deserve it!

 

To be honest I would have gone too. She does sound like she still thinks another relationship is going to help her get over her ex maybe but at the same time would get back with her. She will most likely go on to hurt others too until she sorts herself out. Filip made some good points about looking at things from her side. I would like to think that if I had just broken up with someone that I would take time for myself etc but that suddenness of being with someone and then not, maybe it’s too hard and in an effort to fix it she put herself back out there. I know it’s no excuse but I do feel sorry for her a little. You are strong you will get through this.

 

Hey Rana I'm sorry that you experienced that but I think in a while you will look back at it and just see that actually it was a good thing she showed you her true colours. Don't think of yourself as dumb and foolish just think of yourself as deserving of better. She is obviously hurting because of her ex and then the rejection from you, and don't get me wrong I'm not condoning it just thinking that deep down everyone is hurting.

 

@Rana I’m glad you found out how she really was before you got any more involved. I don’t know why people have to be that way. I am sorry that you had that experience and your hurting. Hang in there.

 

Yes, I know that she was lashing out due to being hurt. I guess I didn't expect to be lashed out against after she sent me several seemingly sweet invitations to join her at the bar. It was like walking onto a land mine.
I wish I could rewind to 2 weeks ago and not even meet her.

 

I really did want to resolve the issue in a friendly manner even though I didn't want to date her because I don't want to be anyone's rebound.
I just didn't see that hurtful behavior coming, so I'm still shocked and saddened by it. I haven't blocked her in any way yet. Part of me wants to call her out on her bad behavior, and another part of me wants to just ignore her. I don't know which is best.

 

All of these experiences will in the end make the right person seem even sweeter. I am not saying that she was in the right with what she did at all, she wasn't but I think you should let yourself grieve for the promise you saw in her and for the upset she caused and then try and channel that energy into finding someone else, unfortunately dating can be a bit of a roller coaster but you have to try and keep your eyes on the prize and know that it will be worth it. At least it didn't drag on any longer than 2 weeks, sure it doesn't necessarily make it hurt less right now but it will help you move on quicker.