nonbinary and wanting physical transition but fearing being unattractive

Hey there, I’m just wondering if this is something anyone else has ever experienced or worried about, and if it’s made them have doubts or held them back from doing what they really needed / wanted at all....

This may sound really contradictory, but I think I worry too much about being physically unattractive to the wrong kind of people (maybe because my self esteem is so low and I’m scared to be myself or something?) because I’m afraid of rejection / not being attractive enough if I were to try and appear the way I wanted to?

For example:
I’m AFAB, and theoretically I’d get top surgery in a heartbeat if I could easily, because I’d love to have a flat chest.
But I’m scared to actually consider it because that might make me unattractive to straight guys or lesbians, or people who are already attracted to me just because of my body.
But.... I think I’m only afraid of this because I’m afraid if I were to get top surgery and just be myself, what if I wasn’t attractive enough for anyone to like me? So then, the people I really love and who are right for me wouldn’t even accept me, so then I’d be out of options, because then even my last-resort wouldn’t like me either. So I can’t give up something that would make it impossible for me to have a last resort, if that makes any sense....

I’m not sure if this even has anything to do with my gender dysphoria, or if it’s just some other form of mental illness or low self esteem rearing it’s ugly head. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, so my fear of abandonment and being alone is pretty strong and basically fuels most of my relationship-based thoughts.

I guess I just fear other’s people’s reactions to me a lot even if I know it would make me personally feel better because I don’t want to be alone. I’d love to go on T but only so I could live more androgynously and be how I see myself, I don’t want to fully transition to live fully passing as male all the time. But I’m scared I’d never be good enough for a gay boy to see me as an equal or be attracted to me. I’ve already dated lesbians in the past too but.... would they stop being interested in me? Where do I fit? Does anyone else worry about this kind of thing? Is this some internal form of bisexual erasure? I’m bi/pan.... but I still understand everyone has a preference.... I guess I’m scared of just being seen as “something else” or “other” that no one can really understand or wrap their mind around and it ruins their ability to have a good time or relate to me....

 

Yeah it’s a weird dichotomy of thought.. the only thing I can think is maybe it’s based partially in growing up and not being able to self-identify easily in the media and our culture due to gender roles and heteronormativity being what’s seen as culturally attractive and whatever else....

Fear of abandonment is one of the core components/symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, and is often highly pervasive. Borderline itself is partially a genetic condition (basically just a highly sensitive person who feels more depth and for longer than the average individual) who is affected by something environmentally to trigger the inability to regulate these strong emotions. Sometimes this trigger is abuse or neglect, but other times this doesn’t even need to be present for someone to develop this. Something as slight as being invalidated often enough could be enough to traumatize someone who has the genetic disposition to be this highly sensitive.. my body and mind feel things so extremely, I develop trauma-like reactions and triggers to sometimes seemingly mundane and normal events. I remember I used to have complete mental breakdowns when one of my exes would accidentally fall asleep without saying goodnight to be because I was just afraid they weren’t going to talk to me ever again even though we had been dating 3 years. Basically it’s not a fun time, and I’m just used to having to constantly analyze myself for irrational delusions like this so it was one of my first thoughts on the matter....

but for your short answer, just, a lack of close relationship with my parents and others for a lot of my life and continuous emotional neglect/invalidation.... I’m good at maintaining a lot of stable, distanced relationships because that’s what I always had with my parents, but anytime someone gets genuinely close to me it tends to blow up in my face eventually....

Anyway sorry for that, it pretty much didn’t have anything to do with the rest of the post....

Ahh thank you, I actually relate a lot to caring about potentially being a parent / carrying a child as well. I didn’t know if that was like, a stupid / superficial type of concern to have in all this.... my body would resemble that of a mother, but I’m not sure if that’s what I would “be” I guess.... so then I’m just scared other’s will idealize / place that role on me, or I’ll want some aspects of it but who I am will be dismissed I’m the process.... it’s kind of just a passing thought though because I’m not sure if I’d actually be able to carry or handle the stress of childbirth due to other chronic physical health conditions.... but I’m glad to know I’m not alone. Also it’s okay if you sound contradictory, at least then that let’s me know it is similar / we have that in common and it’s not just me being fake or confused or petty or something.

THIS ^ ....I guess it is pretty hypocritical, but there’s always that little part inside of me too that got taught growing up about what’s attractive of men and women and what’s ideal in a relationship even if that’s not how I feel or experience it.... it’s crazy how deeply strong that feeling can be. It’s like.... I inherently see everyone else as way more valid than me, and I hang on really hard to anytime I was ever slighted or anyone dismissed my gender or told me I wasn’t actually nonbinary or whatever.... I totally see other nonbinary people being successful and attractive in relationships and just in general but not myself. I guess I need to work on realizing that it doesn’t have to just be a fantasy or an “unrealistic” way to live because there’s a lot of other people who live openly this way too and I can be one of them.

 

That’s true, I do identify in part with a lot of things, thank you for reminding me it’s not so black and white. I just often worry others will try and in me into black and white roles and then maybe I’ll get confused or insecure myself.

That’s also true, I guess I do have a tendency to assume the worst out of very small or often unintentional reactions. It’s hard to determine the difference between something that’s intentionally abusive / gaslighting / passive aggression, and just the accidental or unintentional tone of someone’s voice, because it all feels the same and very extreme to me. It’s rather difficult to explain a personality disorder because it literally affects my entire personality and how I form relationships. But I agree I should probably give those who haven’t talked to me much before but are still trying to the benefit of the doubt before just assuming or fearing they’re trying to harass me.

If someone you were emotionally close to for months and dating just ghosted you like that wouldn’t you consider that abuse and be rather hurt and distrustful for some time at the very least? I would, but on the contrary i’d probably also feel emotionally like they had killed themselves, and I’d probably dissociate and self harm and have panic attacks, and immediately need to become dependent on other friends until I recovered (I had paranoid delusions / near psychosis during my last breakup). I often need outside sources of stimulation or to feel other people’s emotions in order to emotionally regulate myself properly. Again, I’m not really sure how to rationalize this in a way you’ll understand because I’m aware it’s irrational, but it’s literally just what the disorder is.

 

Yeah no worries I understood what you meant in the first message! It seemed thought out you were just also being honest about how you felt which is nice....

Also yeah sometimes I think I do just tend to get wrapped up in labels and worrying about what others might consider one label, but I don’t see that, etc.....

 

I understand this, however the problem is also not entirely that I become dependent on the wrong people and therefore can’t tell the difference, but rather the disorder makes me lack emotional permanence. In a sense.... even those who are close to me and I have a healthy relationship with I will eventually forget the emotional weight / permanence of that, or if they do something accidentally mean to me and it’s on a bad day, I may enter a paranoid state and forget how close we were before. Essentially I’m always on the edge of thinking almost everyone is a stranger to me, and that’s why I cling so hard to those who I’m aware have been there for longer, even if they’re not good, because I can’t always remember and compare that experience to someone else who is good. I lack emotional permanence and all experiences feel like they have the same emotional weight to me (usually pretty extreme) so it’s sometimes very hard to weigh different situations against each other in a quantitative way (but mostly this only applies to those I’m close to... strangers and not close friends I can judge more objectively because my own feelings aren’t attached to them.) I’m highly empathetic and can read and adapt well, just once my own attachment is involved the more likely I am to become delusional. Maybe this stems from not having proper emotional attachment to parents as a child, but I don’t know. It’s kind of inherently self destructive in that way, I can’t function without being close to people, but the closer I get to someone the more likely I am to start falling apart myself. Again I just hope you understand this isn’t voluntary on my part.

 

Thank you I really appreciate it <3

 

In other news, I think once I’m set up with a regular therapist and back on medication and more stable (I’m also planning on trying to move out with some friends + my partner soon) after all that maybe I’ll actually start seriously considering my name change and HrT or something. I’m not ready for it right now, but being open about this finally has made me realize that I guess it can be something that I’m capable of doing in my life.

 

If I was completely losing my sense of people, I would have dissociative identity disorder, or dementia or something, which I don’t, which is very black and white and not how these disorders work. But I do lose myself enough to become borderline psychotic, and dissociate enough to severely hurt myself and those around me. Isolation is not something I can just “practice” and get better at due to this. The fear of abandonment is not the root of the disorder (like PTSD or something), but rather a symptom of it. I’m working on finding a therapist who is capable of handling me as I stated above, thanks.

 

Contrary to popular belief, those who experience breaks from reality (bipolar, schizophrenic, psychotic, paranoid, even PTSD etc.) can develop awareness to their triggers to when they may be about to enter such a state. To imply that they must be completely negligent to their own behaviors in order to be bad enough only continues to perpetuate the stereotype that those with delusional disorders can’t be trusted to take care of themselves and are incapable of being held accountable for their actions, when that just simply isn’t the case. You can have self awareness to how you will react, but be incapable of reading reality once you enter such a state. And the lines between them are not so black and white usually.

 

Ah, to be honest I think that makes a lot more sense that way, thank you. I agree, I suppose it’s equally bad to try and overly-rationalize feelings as opposed to just being honest about them but without over-analyzing them or letting them escalate to the point where they end up just becoming destructive because of an inability to relay them regularly and calmly. It’s difficult to do this in unsafe / invalidating environments where you’re forced to explain yourself and then judged on if it’s worthy or rational enough; thank you though.