Hi everyone So, recently, just out of nowhere, I've been questioning my gender. And that, a few days before my 19th birthday. I feel completely lost about who I really am. I don't really know to do this so I apologize if it's a mess. But I guess this is my mind's state right now ! Like I said, I've been questioning my gender. I don't know how but just like that I was like "maybe I'm not a girl". I can't be more specific. Then I've realized that maybe it was always like this ! In elementary school, I was the biggest tomboy you could find. I was always playing sports, talking with boys. But most importantly, I dressed like a boy. And I LOVED doing it. At home, I only played with boys' toys. In junior high school, I could say I was "forced" to dress in a more feminine way and I just went with it. I stopped hanging out with boys. And at the end of my last year, I realized that I wasn't attracted to boys, but to girls. In high school, I began dressing in the way I wanted: in a more masculine way. Now at 19, I also realized that, despite not being attracted romantically to them, I was envious of them. Envious of their body, their clothes, their voices, their "behavior"... Well, everything! I recently began buying only men's clothes because I kinda feel more like myself while wearing them. I now prefer wearing men's underwear, wearing panties is something I don't to do anymore. I plan on getting a more masculine haircut in the coming days. There's one thing that I feel like I shouldn't have on my body: my breasts. They feel completely out of place. That's why I've begun wearing sports bras so my chest would "be" more masculine. I've rarely been mistaken for a guy, and it never bothered me. On the contrary, I was kinda happy! While playing video games, I always want to be a guy. Sometimes, I wished on being a boy for a day just to know it feels like. But I feel like I don't want to be entirely a man, but completely don't want to be a woman. Maybe like a demiboy? Well, after this long explication, I was finally able to express my feelings. After reading blogs, watching videos on Youtube and not being able to tell someone about my feelings is a bit of a relief. I hope anyone will take time to answer me, 'cause my head is a mess, I keep thinking about all this, what will be the next steps...
“I was envious of them.” Could it be that you have been influenced by the advantages that boys sometimes are given by society?
No at all. I was raised to be independent from anyone else and that everyone was equal. I don't think it's the society 'norms' that made me question myself.
