I am a sophomore in college and I'm planning on coming out in the fall when I'll no longer be living in dorms or sharing a room. I'm currently out as gay to my parents, sister, aunt, and one close friend. I know that I'm attracted to guys, and I think I'm not attracted to girls but I'm not certain. If I am, it's less than I'm attracted to men. I'm just worried about coming out as gay and then realizing feelings for girls. Any advice on what I should do? Thanks!
I know everyone wants to put labels on things, but I wouldn’t worry about it too much. If you are out to family members as gay and you are attracted to guys- there is nothing wrong with coming out as gay. If something changes, then change your label. Just be true to yourself and you will be fine. By the way, congrats on telling your parents, that’s a huge step! Good luck in the fall and know you have lots of support here!!!
Hi there, I am also a college sophomore and I came out to my parents last year when I started dating my first serious boyfriend. When I came out to them I told them I was pansexual, I thought I was gay but wasn't totally sure so I thought that would be easier to tell them I was pan. I will say it kinda caused issues for me because my parents kinda see bi/pan as being able to choose if I wanted to date a guy or a girl and so they kinda we like "why are you dating boys if you still like girls, that just makes your life harder". Also telling them now that I am pretty sure Im totally gay is coming out all over again because I guess I let them have hope I'd end up with a girl. My biggest advice would be: You are what you are now. Sexuality can be both confusing and fluid. I think right now I am gay so that's what I tell people. If they can handle me going for thinking I was straight before to gay now, I think they will understand if later on In realize I like girls. Im sorry if this isn't helpful haha I hope all goes well!!!!!
Good point. I just don't want to have to come out twice but I guess it won't make much of a difference if they find out I'm bi after already knowing I'm gay lol
Interesting situation. I guess I'm on the mirror opposite side of the spectrum from you, I'm mostly attracted to girls but am definitely sometimes attracted to guys as well, and in fact my first sexual encounters were with guys as a teen. Only in recent years have I really accepted and embraced this reality of my sexuality, and frankly I love the openness and opportunity it allows in matters of sexuality and attraction. Frankly, you don't sound very convinced of your non-attraction to women. Maybe don't worry about having to explain yourself, just let your actions speak for themselves. For myself, I do still acknowledge a particular sexual act I might do as heterosexual or homosexual, sure, but I don't apply any such labels to myself. I guess I'd be polysexual if anything, but still--I like to label the actions, rather than the people. Though I'm ok if others want to use labels for themselves or others, to each their own.
I'm not an advocate of using the "bi" label when you're not sure, as it contributes to the stigma that bi people experience that everyone who claims to be bi is actually gay in disguise. Quite honestly, labels aren't that important, and people assume that "gay" is 100% attracted to same sex with no exceptions. But the truth is more nuanced. Kinsey's work (the best we have, while being imperfect) says that only about 10% of the population is at one extreme end of the spectrum or the other, and that everyone else is somewhere on the spectrum. So a lot of gay men are probably Kinsey 4 or Kinsey 5, who use the "gay" label for convenience. And there are gay people who incidentally find one opposite sex-person they love, and decide to marry. So if you're mostly attracted to guys, there's nothing wrong with using the "gay" label, or simply saying "I'm into guys" without using that specific label. Honestly, I don't think it's all that important, as long as the people you're talking to get whether or not there's any possibility of connection for them (if that's what they're after.)
From my own experience... I came out as gay first in my early 20's, then very shortly thereafter as bi... and stayed with that label for nearly 25 years. And then came back out as gay after my divorce, but then realized that I'm certainly not a Kinsey 6 (like Chip points out above). "Bi" as a label for me does not fit, though, and "queer" is kind of a problematic term for me personally (and if it's not for others, that's cool!). So "gay" works. It really doesn't matter as long as you accept yourself.
When I came out (I’m partly out) I told some I was gay and a couple I said.. “I have something to tell you, I’m not straight”. Nobody cared about the label and the couple I told that I wasn’t straight just accepted me... nobody gave me the “maybe you are bi speech” or “Are you going to switch back to your heterosexual life?”. Your sexuality label only matters to you and your partner. I think people make it more complicated than it is. If someone treats you differently because you are gay rather than bi, you don’t want them as your friend anyway. You are what you feel, if you switch from gay back to bi who cares. I’ve looked at the Kinsey stuff a lot, but I don’t even care to put myself on the scale because it doesn’t matter- I’m interested in having a male partner and that’s what’s important to me. I feel gay covers more than just a 100% homosexual and for me it fits who I am.
