It has been some time since my last post. During that time I have been checking in, reading with great interest the various posts with both the joy and sadness they represent as we each continue on our paths of discovery. I wanted to share a little more of my life's journey towards becoming the proud open gay man I strive to be. I know my story is far from unique, but it my hope that it might help someone here on EC realize that there is light at the end of the journey and not an oncoming train! It has a year for me since coming out as gay, and nine months since living with my BF openly. I have gone back to using boyfriend because partner seems so business like and impersonal and our relationship is neither. The last nine months have been some of the greatest times I have ever had in my life along with encompassing some of the saddest one. My relationship with my BF only gets better and better. We are in every sense of the word a couple; more so than I had ever been with any woman. Our relationship seems so natural, unforced, open, funny, serious and so much more. I can honestly say my sex life has never been as rich and as satisfying as now. The connection I have with him is so intense, sensual, erotic, respectful and just plain fun. At the beginning of our sexual relationship I was weighted down with preprogramed heteronormative guilt and could not fully embrace the idea that I could find total sexual fulfilment with another man. I was uncomfortable with my body and anyone else's for that matter. No more as I have found it is not only possible but for me some much more "normal" to find this deep connection with another man. This is not to say that we don't have any issues. Of course living with any other person presents everyday issues and challenges, however we seem to have developed the ability to deal with the issues as they occur without the drama and recriminations I was so use to in a hetero relationship. I wish I could say that my relationship with my mother and sister was also getting better, but alas I am still at arms length. This is my one deep disappointment, hurt, and scar that I just can't find peace with. To my ex-wife I am now that "homo" but that I could care less about. It has absolutely no effect on me or how I feel about myself. I still marvel that for half a lifetime I was an actor playing a role that wasn't really me. In retrospect I still don't understand how I was able o fake it so convincingly that I even fooled myself. I could never ever go back to a hetero existence or disguise that fact that I am 100% gay, as it would be living a lie again. The story of my incredible journey continues and I am despite the challenges loving every minute of it.
Really glad to hear you've found yourself and it's not only a great feeling, but you've found the person whom you can share your life with....
Your post gives me a little light to look at from the dark end of my tunnel. You sound very happy. Thanks for sharing.
Mav, I can’t believe how fortunate I have been on this journey. Through some magic of fate I was able to come to terms with my true sexuality the catalyst being a wonderful man I now call my BF.He has helped me in so many ways become comfortable with my homosexuality ; has help me break free of long held heteronormative propaganda and start to rid me of guilt I first felt. My relationship with him is so much more on every level, than I ever had with a female.One regret is that I didn’t come to terms earlier with being gay open and proud.
Contented - my story is of course different from yours in that I have children and that is another realm of pain, when one is dragging them through everything too...However I can really relate to your sense of feeling comfortable with your body and comfortable with your boyfriend's body and being able to express yourself sensually. I feel that with my girlfriend and also prefer the world girlfriend. I have experienced the pain of being rejected by my father now as a feckless and untrustworthy loser and my Mum - whilst less judgemental - seems to be hopeful that this may be a crazy phase as I find myself...
PPG so sorry to hear of the rejection from your father and mother. I understand that pain for sure. I don’t have the writing skills to express how much becoming comfortable with my body has meant to my mental health. My BF has been fundamental in helping me overcome homophobia and opening the world of male to male sexuality to me. The comfort levels I now experience with my sexuality is so far beyond what I experience as a hetero male.
