I'm still feeling doubts...

I have also asked myself if I'm fetishizing the whole idea of becoming a woman, if it's just that I get turned on by the idea but it's nothing more than a fetish. In my case, what scares me about even thinking of transitioning is that If I ever did it, I would want the results to be 100% feminine, that no-one could ever know that I was a man before. Because I know that's really hard to attain I haven't even tried crossdressing (I did wear some stalkings and my sister's bathing suit a couple of times). Maybe, that's what makes you doubt, not being able to convince yourself that you are indeed a woman... I don't know if I'm making any sense but at least that's how I feel

 

If you weren't afraid and didn't doubt, it would mean you're insane. It's healthy to question yourself before makng such a big, life altering decision like transition.

 

in my opinion, it's not confusing what you wrote. You are afraid that:
1. You might be gay
2. It might be a fetish
3. You might be seeking excitement this way
+ in all these cases you might regret transitioning.
Imo, it's clever, insightful of you that you those things as possibilities at all.

Unfortunately, I don't know how to end the confusion. You must arrive at your own conclusions. That either you transition regardless of possible "wrong motives" behind it, and that this will make you happy anyway and this is what counts. Or that you have too much to lose and transitioning isn't worth it.

 

I've had a lot of these same thoughts, but let's go through them

Are you gay? Well, obviously you need to be sexually attracted to men for this to be true. So are you attracted to men? What about women?

Is it a fetish? Okay. What if it is? What if it's all just a fetish and the clothes you like are just the object that you are fetishizing? Well, now what?

Let's consider something else.

What if tomorrow you had the chance to be put into a woman's body? We're going to pluck your brain out of your body and into what you see as the ideal female body. No going back to your old body. Ever. Everyone you meet from now on will see you as this new person, but you'll still be you inside. What would you do? Would you do it? Not do it? Why?

 

The argument is out there a lot, especially in the case of trans women, that they are fetishising femininity. How I see it... Let's consider two "levels" of fetish. The first very obvious level would be if you put on women's clothes and then get off to your reflection in the mirror. Then... yes, transitioning would be a bad idea. However, if the fetishisation is less obvious, don't many cis women do it too? I mean, they put on a sexy red dress (or something) and feel sexy in whichever way. People like to be attractive both for others and for themselves. Yet another thing is random sexual excitement when you put on feminine clothes... but that might be a random arousal that results from simply emotional excitement, it happens (it really does -_- ), or if you find yourself attractive but your purpose was different to begin with? Then ... it doesn't matter, I think. Back to fetishising femininity... the very same argument is being pulled out by "feminists" against women who simply like to be feminine and dress so. I wear a tight top? I am fetishising myself and a man pleaser! To hell with feeling attractive!

And if you were gay... it isn't a proof either way, I think. On one hand, it can be argued that you'd rather be a normal woman than a gay man, or that gayness is known for making people feel like they are the other sex (from my experience? It does contribute). However, a "true" trans woman is a woman trapped in a man's body and she is into men, like every normal woman should be. I would even argue that being gay wrt genitals you were born with increases chances of finding transition a good option. Because you don't lose the hetero sexuality with easy baby making. But you could end up being an androgynous gay man being completely happy with his body.

As for seekig excitement... yeah, this is a tough one. I think it all comes down to what you really want. On one hand, nothing wrong with being excited, right? On the other hand, what would you have to sacrifice for it? Is it worth it?

 

No, no... I put the "true" in quotation marks. it's not that I think that a trans woman can't be a lesbian. It's just... how people say and I repeated it. That's why the quotation marks. I'm sorry that it sounded unkind to you. I for sure didn't mean it this way. And I didn't mean that trans people can't be homo (wrt their identity or post transition).

I'm glad I could help.

I think it's good to even talk about it and articulate your thoughts.
It seems like you would enjoy being a girl not for a reason, but you would... just enjoy it? From what you say. Which seems to point against "hidden motives" to transition in my opinion.

 

"Hidden motives" = to not be gay, to not be gender non-conforming, and the similar.

 

It doesn't make sense for someone to "choose" transgenderism, when its a known fact that trans people have it... a lot worse than gay people (especially if you're comparing trans women to gay men). Fetish... its a term researchers used in the past when they didn't care to distinguish between cross dressers, transsexuals, etc. Phase? Coming out is certainly a phase, as is transitioning, but I highly doubt your average man or woman seriously considers it.

I know its tempting to try and downplay it, or look for "excuses" for what you are, but if its something recurring, you probably are trans in some way. The lines between trans and cis aren't always clear cut, by the way. I know many former trans men who later decide they're lesbian (but still not comfortable with their breasts, or traditional female clothing, roles, pronouns), and gay men have long drawn comparisons with women. I'd say the exact label is less important than what you want, which you've described.

Rather than thinking that being unhappy with yourself makes you trans, how about considering that trans people are unhappy because of their circumstances? That would make a lot more sense, but I'm no professional.

 

To not be gender non-concorming: for example someone would think it's wrong to be a masculine woman or a feminine man. That someone would think that for example... they have to transition to be a woman to like fahsion and cooking or to have a non-dominant, kind personality. But what they really want is to enjoy those traits alone, not to have the body of a woman. Those people, i think, are the group of detransitioners who feel like they let someone else (the society - that stigmatises being different) dictate what to do with their body.

 

If the doubts don't stop even if you know the logical solutions to them, it means you are afraid. It's normal to be afraid, however, from what you describe it might be really paralysing you and doing no good. Do you have any other obstacles to transition? Also, I think the most harmful thing in transitioning, apart from the society not always being okay with that, is becoming infertile.

 

Good luck :/

 

I think the issue of fetishism is a tough one. Lots of people who say they are MtF's do exactly what you are describing, get off to their own reflection. I'll admit I've done it before. Does it mean they aren't trans and just engaged in a fetish? I think what you said about cis women doing something similar is of note. It's not all of them, but I've heard plenty of cis-women say they are sexually aroused or excited by their own appearance. So could it be that a MtF just takes that feeling of arousal to an extreme because they grew up in a biologically male body attracted to women? This is why I often times try to find out what cis-lesbians think about these issues, because they are more likely to understand. Also, it's hard to tell how much of the excitement is some kind of gender euphoria. I know when I really look my best dressed up it's very exciting because I feel like I'm capable of "correcting myself" into something more appropriate to how I feel inside.

 

Heck, I never got off to my reflection, but I certainly find it arousing at times :/ But it might be my lesbanism. I found it disturbing in the beginning, but now I just accept that as a fact of life.

I think one does not exclude the other. With the fetish and being trans. But if it's the only reason to be a woman, then the transition will end up being a bad idea. But it's what is being said out and about, it's not that I came up with it all... I think you have a point SkyWinter with growing up male and not accustomed to feminine clothing causing... a lot of extreme feelings in the trans woman concerned.