It’s over..

Hello, everyone! It’s been a while since I’ve written something here..
So long story short - I lost my long time friend to homophobia and it hurts. And what hurts the most is that it’s not the evil society or old school family who did it - it’s her. I really need to talk it out and maybe understand what I did wrong.
So, with your permission, I will tell the short version of our story. We’ve been friends since school. Once, eight years ago she confessed to me that she has sexual feelings for me. I was shocked at first, but somehow her confession woke something in me and we became more that just friends. I struggled to admit my sexuality back then, but I was willing to deal with whatever it was between us. She on the other hand chose to act as if it all never happened. I decided to focuse on my own stuff and leave her alone. We remained friends, but once, during a party, she came on to me again. Then the next day she again begun to apologize and said we should forget everything. Then I started to notice a pattern..It continued for over 8 years. I don’t know why I kept up with this. I guess on some level I loved her. But recently all this happened again and suddenly I felt that I couldn’t play this game anymore. I told her that I am tired of this situation and that I don’t want to ignore it anymore. I offered to talk about it, but she completely shut me out. Suddenly she didn’t have time for me, she said she has to work and don’t have time for friends. She also said that she feels ashamed about what happened. (Let me remind you, it wasn’t a one time thing, it happened many times over the last eight years).She feels like she failed a test or something and now I remind her of this. So she is so deep in denial or internal homophobia or whatever else it is, what she refuses to even talk about it. So now I have lost her as a friend, because she pushed me away. Although she says she still wants to be my friend, I can’t. I feel like something broke inside me. She made me feel like I’m some kind of shit (excuse my language)in her picture perfect life, like everything that happened between us is something to be ashamed of. I can’t get over that feeling. It’s incredibly sad, because she is still very important to me, but our relationship as I knew it is over.

 

Thank you, Silverhalo You always seem to have the right words for everyone.
I guess this outcome was inevitable, it was just the matter of time. Or maybe I have changed and finally can feel proud of who I am and what I feel. What hurts me the most though is the fact she doesn’t even want to talk about it, to acknowledge it. I don’t ask her to be happy about the fact she is attracted to me, if she clearly doesn’t want to be, but I am her friend and deserve at least a conversation.

 

You are right again, I’m afraid I feel that she can’t talk or even think about it. But it makes me feel rejected, I am a only a human after all I have spent so much time trying to justify her behavior, trying to be patient and understanding. But after this last time it dawned on me that she has never done the same for me. I doubt the thought of how I feel ever crossed her mind. She just thinks of me as something that reminds her of what she doesn’t want to feel or remember. Not I nice feeling - being a donut in fat person’s house Desired, but unwanted at the same time. No wonder I ended up in the trash.

 

It’s exactly how I feel. Guilty for something that is not my fault. I have never took advantage of her, she want es it to happen as much as I did..

 

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I know..But one person can be more involved than the other. Sometimes we don’t even notice that. Until something happens and you finally understand what is going on. Sad, but at least no one is living in illusions.

 

Thank you for sharing. And for advice. To be honest I don’t really get this not being ready thing..I mean, I understand that it might be difficult to admit who you are and what you want, but in my case she seems to be more than ready to do it, but is not ready to talk about it. And it’s not just once or twice, it’s been going on for years. I can’t even explain things to her, she is not listening. It makes everything much harder, since we have to work together occasionally. I catch her glances, I see what is going on in her head, but it takes at least 3 glasses of wine for her to start to talk. I guess I’m just tired of waiting.
I hope everything will turn out well with your girl. Would like to hear more about your situation, so if you are willing to share, I’m listening

 

Oh, sounds way too familiar. Sorry you had to go through it. It’ just not fair.
Well, in my case she is not my boss per se, but she is in the power position. Some parts of my professional life sort of depend on her. But I don’t care about that anymore. More important for me now is to not let her humiliate me anymore. I know she is not doing that on purpose, but it doesn’t change how I feel.

 

Well, rejection has many faces..In our case I feel rejected not because she doesn’t want me. She does. I know that, she has told me that many times before and probably will tell me many times in the future. I feel rejected because that one time I decided to talk to her about all this, she wasn’t there for me. Yes, I think as my friend she should have listened to me. But all she could think of was HER feelings, not mine. For me it’s a deal breaker, because I don’t turn to other people for support in real life very often. And when Ido, I really need to be heard. She knows that.

 

Thank you for your support! It’s really important for me to be able to talk to someone about this stuff..I don’t have friends in real life I could open up about this subject, so I have dealt with all mostly by myself. It’s ok now, I know who I am and what I want, it’s been a lengthy process, but I am quite happy with the result. Although no one in my circle suspects I am different (it’s a very conservative, old school circle ), it’s enough for me that I know. I really hope she would have enough courage to face it, it must be very hard to live ignoring such a big part of yourself. And it’s not just a phase for her either, I know that.