Confused about my gender identity with fluctuating dysphoric ideations

Hi, Matt2

You sound thoughtful and smart. You've stated your issues clearly. My dysphoria fluxuates, too. I think it's part of the process. I think it's normal. I think you're normal. Please keep working with your therapist. Nothing will be easy but it will work out. Always, always, always be kind to yourself.

Take care.

Susan

 

Hi, Matt2, you write very eloquently. It's possible that you do have some gender dysphoria. So, maybe you do have some. But maybe you don't. Surely gender dysphoria doesn't have to be all out raging, or ever constant. But your liking of feminity might be you liking female qualities over male one's. It might also be that you want to be around females more than males. You don't hate your own body - you seem OK with it. Go easy on yourself. If the videos are disturbing you, then don't watch any more of them. They do seem to be disturbing you.

 

Hi Matt2,

Welcome to EC! I'm glad you found this place. It's helped me get through a lot, and I hope it can do the same for you. It's important to remember that gender identity is really confusing for a lot of people, and there's nothing wrong with not being totally sure of how you identify. Don't feel pressured to figure this out all at once. Also, no one here but you can say if you're trans. There's no test for it. All you can do is be honest with yourself, and remember that you're not the only one feeling like this. I apologize in advance for the novel.

When we turn on the TV, we see Jazz Jennings or stories about transgender kindergartners and believe that this is the norm when it comes to trans people, but that's not the case. Most trans people aren't the 3 year old on Good Morning America. I didn't even know what it meant to be trans until my senior year of high school. I knew that something was off, but I literally didn't have the words or even the concepts to explain it. Growing up, I felt pretty normal until I was a teenager. I realized I was interested in men my freshman year of high school, when I developed a huge crush on a boy sitting next to me in class. I figured this meant I was gay, especially since I'd never shown any interest in girls. But for whatever reason, gay didn't feel like the right thing to label myself. I didn't come out as gay until college, partly because I went to a private religious high school, and partly because even though I liked men and not women, it just felt weird to call myself gay. When I learned what it meant to be transgender, I felt a deep connection with the term, more than I'd ever had with being gay. All the weird little signs throughout my life were starting to make sense, but I was also very scared. Being interested in guys never really bothered me, but being trans was too much. So I pushed down my feelings. I went to college, and tried to live a normal life. But my feelings of dysphoria didn't go away, they just got stronger. While on vacation with my family one Christmas break, I came out to myself as a trans woman. And it felt amazing. I spent the whole trip imagining what my life would be like as a woman. But when I got back home, I started to get nervous. I thought about the hardships I would face as a trans individual, including the possible loss of my family. I tried to convince myself that my life would be so much easier if I lived it as a man. And in some ways, it might be. I decided that even if I was trans, I wasn't going to do anything about it. I went back to school, and a year later, I came out as gay. And in a some ways, it's helped. I can be more feminine, because that's what society often expects of gay guys. But I knew from the moment I came out as gay that I wasn't gay. I wanted a boyfriend, but I didn't want to be a boy with a boyfriend, I wanted to be a girl with a boyfriend. I'm making progress towards coming out as trans, but that's a story for another time.

Gender dysphoria is weird. I don't really know how else to say it. It means different things to different people, and all trans and questioning people have their own experiences with it. Some people know something is off from a very young age, and for others it takes a little longer. Sometimes it's direct, and sometimes it's indirect. What is definitely true about gender dysphoria is that it's different for every individual that experiences it, and it can come and go. There are days when I don't experience that much dysphoria, and there are days when I can barely get out of bed. Recently, my gender dysphoria has been really bad, to the point where It's hard to carry on a conversation. I literally cried myself to sleep yesterday because I was so upset that I wasn't born a girl. But a few weeks ago, my dysphoria wasn't bothering me that much. And different things can be sources of gender dysphoria. I wish I had long hair and I hate having body hair, but my genitals don't give me that much stress, even though I do want a vagina. Some people get sick at the sight of their bodies, but even though I don't really like my body, I don't get uncomfortable looking at it. On the other hand, I hate being referred to by any masculine nomenclature, and always want to be seen as a girl. My point is that gender dysphoria is unique to each individual, so don't get too caught up on comparisons. What is important is that you have gender dysphoria.

Something else to consider is gender euphoria. This is when you get really happy doing things associated with another gender, like wearing women's clothing or being referred to by a female name/pronouns. For example, I love shaving my legs, and a couple of weeks ago I almost died of happiness when a store clerk accidentally referred to me with female pronouns. Growing up, I was always interested in women's clothes and makeup, and always connected better with women. I think gender euphoria is just as telling as gender dysphoria when it comes to figuring out your identity. I know you said you can't really experiment with women's clothing, but is there anything else you could do to get a feeling for what it's like to live as a girl? Maybe makeup?

Finally, there are little things that you might not recognize as dysphoria, but could be. For example, you already talked about playing the female character in video games, or dreaming that you were a girl. Looking back, I think a symptom of dysphoria for me was a major disconnect with those around me. Like I said, I felt pretty normal until I was a teenager. I had a lot of friends and was pretty popular up until around 7th grade, and then I started to become a new person, or, rather, my old self died and I became a shell. I became depressed and numb, something I still struggle with today. I felt like everyone else's life was going on around me, and no matter how hard I tried I just didn't care. I couldn't care. I got very little enjoyment from life, even though, on the outside, my life appeared to be going well. Mostly, I just went through the motions and felt nothing. When I finally admitted to myself that I was transgender, I felt the world open up again, or at least saw the possibility of it opening up. I remember being on that vacation over Christmas,on a boardwalk by the ocean, finally getting excited about the things everyone else was excited about. For the first time, I got what it was all about. I wanted a husband and kids and a career and to live my life as a woman. In that moment I knew I was trans because I was the happiest I'd ever been for the first time in so, so long.

I'm sorry again for writing so much. I connected a lot with your story, and wanted to share. Figuring yourself out can be so terrifying, but you'll be a better person for it. Just be honest with yourself, and love whoever you realize yourself to be, regardless of who that is. Have an awesome day, and remember to fight every day to be the best version of yourself you can be, because you're worth nothing less.

 

Hi Connie,

It seems like you're very in tune with your thoughts, which is good. For now, I would say just see where things go. Like you said, it's too soon to make any drastic changes. I think you're at a point where you should try and experiment with gender. I get that it can be hard to hide this stuff when you're living with your family. But even when I was still at home, I managed to sneak stuff past my parents and three siblings. Online shopping can help you out a lot in this. Try ordering clothes or makeup online, and having it shipped to a delivery store. I ordered different things and had them shipped to a FedEx store, where I just picked it up. And If you have sisters, they probably have some old makeup lying around that they won't miss. Get some basic stuff that's easy to hide, and try it out when you're family isn't there. And just see how it feels. See if you experience some of that gender euphoria I talked about in the last post.

You said something really important. "I don't really think I could be myself without having that face and that name." That say's so much!!
I forgot to mention this in my last post, but I think it's a good exercise. When picture you future, who's in it? Think about what you want out of life, and then look at who's accomplishing it. Is it a boy, a girl, or someone off the binary? This question has been very helpful in figuring myself out.

PS, if you need makeup tips, check out Stef Sanjati's Youtube Account. She has very informative videos, and she's a great trans Youtuber in general.

PSS, how did it feel to be referred to by Connie? I love it when I get called Olivia on EC. Getting super happy when you're referred to by your chosen name is an awesome example of gender euphoria.

 

I really like hearing such posts as are in this thread - posts that explain and say things from how it is inside for the person. Yes, one can attempt to put self in the place of the other, but actually hearing / reading it from you directly is so much more intense.

I have a peripheral comments regarding makeup and stuff - after reading this thread. I think that anyon of any sex or gender should be able to wear makebup. I think that all of the judgement that an outwardly physical guy might get if s/he were to wear even a touch of makeup is wrong. It seems to me that many men have tattoos because they "aren't allowed" to use makeup. It's all so crazy... I think that this is the same regarding male dress... Also, we seem to have a fixation with he and she when we refer to people.

I speak from the UK, but i think the same is so in many / most other countries - to some degree or another.

People have to deal with all of this from parents, grandparents, siblings, friends, colleagues, strangers... It really makes it so difficult for them. And of course I only mentioned peripheral things. So, when it's a bigger thing it's surely even more difficult to deal with.

 

That's an interesting theory about men and tattoos. What makes you think that given that women wear makeup to appear young/beautiful. Are you saying that is what men are doing with tattoos?

 

Well, some women do get tattoos, too, but less of them get them than men do. Women who do get tattoos generally get less tattoos and different ones when they do get them, and they tend to have them hidden, too. Women do very commonly use makeup to alter their looks - be it to feel good or to attract others or both. Men more often get tattoos but few wear any makeup. I think people get tattoos not to put people off, and more likely they want to be more attractive, so surely their tattoos must be done to attract... And since more men get tattoos than women do, and the men who do get tattoos tend to get more tattoos than women do, then surely men use them more than women to attract... Just my thinking. Yes, there are others reasons for tattoos than to attract, but I think that to attract is most often a consideration. It's men being men! Lol.

 

Yeah, I would say with men it's also an issue of them being a rebel or a risk taker as that is what women are often time looking for in a man. Someone who will take a risk.

 

But do many men endow themselves with tattoos to make themselves appear as risk takers in order to attract others?

 

Matt/Connie, does your lesser feelings of dysphoria lately have to mean that you are less Connie than before / less accepting of Connie than before? Perhaps it is just you accepting more that you are Connie. And anyway, you previously said that things fluctuate for you anyway... The ego, Id, superego model is interesting - I will revisit that myself to reacquaint myself with it.

 

Yeah, I think there are a lot who do. Tattoos on men are often times not what I would describe as beautiful. There is something about tattoos on men that is more raw or primal than women using makeup.

 

Hey Connie,

I just wanted to give you my cup of tea. If you don't care about my story, just read the next paragraph, because it will be more relevant to you, I promise. I remember my first stage of realizing that I was transgender. I was in a lot of denial at first, because I am non-binary, and there seems to be a lot of backlash against non-binary people from society, such as the attack helicopter memes, which made me feel awful, because I was like, I can't be girl, but I can't be a boy either and so I was just stuck on this binary gender system and hid this for about a year, when the dysphoria was getting worse, and I thought about my gender a lot. And I would just dream of being called Niko by people, and being seen as Niko too (like having an androgynous body) and it made me really happy. I realized after this that I needed to do something about this or this excitement and fear and emotions from being transgender may interfere with my life, so I came out to a couple of people. Once I moved away, I changed a lot about me: new clothes, new haircut, I told everyone my proper name, and I told a few my proper pronouns, but I hope to change this in the future. And I was feeling a lot better about myself. I eventually got a chest binder. But literally, as soon as I put my binder one I was so excited, and then knew almost immediately that I needed to transition medically. You don't have to do this, but I have realized as I get further along my transition, the more I realize that I need to medically transition. Everyone is different. I have recently discovered that I would like to have a masculine expression, but I don't have a male identity, and that I still identify as being androgyne. So even for me, after 3 years of learning about being transgender and realizing that I am trangender, I discover things about my gender that I didn't know before. I am sure that this will continue. I am also in a voice group for trangender people too.

My point of my story is that it may seem like transitioning is a straight line from point A to B, but it really isn't. It's more a line that travels all over the place, and never really ends.

Anyways, gender dysphoria isn't necessarily body dysphoria. There are different types of dysphoria, from body, to social, to mind/mental. Here is a link about the different types of dysphoria:
http://whenevebecomessteve.blogspot.ca/2015/04/different-types-of-gender-dysphoria.html

People have different intensities of each type of dysphoria. Body dysphoria may be the highest for one person, but for another, it's the lowest type of dysphoria, but they are still both transgender. It really depends on the person.

Is there any way that you could try more feminine clothing/expression, assuming that this is what you want? Like get a shirt you really like or try to get more gender neutral clothes, if the feminine option isn't possible. You can try make-up too, as that is generally easy to hide and you can try cheap stuff from a dollar store (it's not that good, but it's something).

For pronouns, you can try this site. Personally, it has helped me:
http://www.pronouns.failedslacker.com/

I have also made an avatar (my profile picture) to tell myself that that is what I would like to look it and this is me, and not how I actually look. It gives me a mental image of my goal, as well as helps relieve some mind dysphoria. I used some free avatar creator that literally seemed to be at every link possible, if you just google "avatar creator" or something like this.

You are almost 18, and being able to move out was the best thing for my gender dysphoria, as I can present and be whom I want to be without fear or judgement from family.

I wish you the best.